A Letter To The First Guy I Fell Hard For, Here’s How I’m Letting You Go

I never really believed that the passionate, whirlwind romance you saw in movies and read about in books existed. At least, I never believed it existed until I myself experienced something like it. Here’s the thing about such stories though – the movies, they lie to you. The “bad boy” doesn’t change. The jerk doesn’t end up falling for you. There’s no ultimate kiss on the bleachers of a rainy football field and there’s no running to the airport to confess your true love. There are no miracles, and there’s no Cinderella with the happily ever after.

I’ve had crushes since the days when “boys vs. girls freeze tag” was a game on the playground and we still thought “cootie shots” were a thing. I’ve had every sort of childhood crush you can think of: the close friend, the random one you regret later, the crush who you’re not even sure why you liked – all of them. Hell, my closest friends can still name every one of those crushes of mine and laugh about it to this day. Every single one of those felt intense, they felt like the end of the world. But I didn’t really understand what falling for someone meant until recently. And when I did realize, boy, is there a difference between a harmless crush and falling, tumbling, and catching feelings for a person.

I always assumed that the first guy I ever really “caught feelings” for would be someone who was kind and caring. Someone who was like the “perfect guy” I always daydreamed about as a cheesy teenage girl; you know which one I’m talking about – the one who sends good morning texts, surprises you with cheesy gifts and remembers every little detail.

Barely two weeks into my freshman year of college, I found that person. The person who, later on, would turn out to be many firsts.

But in reality, this guy was the exact opposite of the kind of person I expected to find.

Turns out, that perfect guy might just be a little too perfect to actually exist.

It started out harmless and fun – after all, I was still on cloud nine, being cocky and excited about going off to college and being in a completely new environment. Adding a guy into the mix just took it to a whole new level.

There was something exhilarating about it. There was a rush from being with a guy who was older, someone who I considered to be wise. A guy who I knew was normally out of my league. And yet, this guy wanted me. That ego-boost, along with the new feeling of being grown up, made for a dangerous combination.

Being someone who is attracted to intelligence, there was just something about a guy who could woo you with witty comments and discuss in-depth quantum physics all once.

The thing though, was that this guy was incredibly clever and deceiving. He was a narcissist, and he himself admitted it. He was cocky – he was intelligent, good-looking, snarky, and he knew it.

There weren’t any cute good morning texts; there were texts that only came when he needed something. There wasn’t anything cute, no cheesy presents or deep late-night conversations. Instead of good morning texts, all I got was “what are you up to?” texts at a time that we’re all aware can only be known as “booty-call hours.”

But even knowing all that, I kept it going.

What was harmless and fun quickly turned into something so much more intense though.

When the clock struck midnight and the magic disappeared, the reality was suddenly no longer fun.

Before I knew it, I was falling hard – and I didn’t know how to climb back up. I was suddenly falling too hard for a guy who didn’t really care. For a guy who could move on without a care the second he got bored.

For the first time, I saw myself putting a guy over my own personal goals and desires – even though I knew he wasn’t worthy of that.

My priorities changed, and not in a good way. I spent too much time thinking about him. I expected his name to pop up every time my phone said I received a text message. I let him call me, not even fully sober, at 5 in the morning, and instead of being annoyed, I was just glad that he hadn’t gotten tired of me yet.

There’s a gut-wrenching feeling that comes with knowing you didn’t mean as much to a person as they meant to you. It makes you wonder why you’re so weak, why you can’t learn to be emotionless and not care about other people. It makes you wonder why you’re not enough for that person.

The worst part about it, though, is when you keep wondering what you can do to make them care.

I’ve always been someone incredibly stubborn – I never changed my stance once I made up my mind. With him though, I’d give in, I’d change the way I acted and said and did things that I normally would not have, because I thought maybe then, the feelings would be reciprocated.

Except what I didn’t realize, at the time, is that you can’t force someone to care. Especially someone like him, who was an emotionless robot.

It turned into a new low point. When it all ended, suddenly and unexpectedly, I tried everything possible to forget – I tried distracting myself; with people, with reckless ideas, with so many different things. But it never worked. Every now and then, I’d remember everything and break down again.

It took months for me to climb out of that dark hole I fell into, and it was then that the people around me saw me at my worst so far. I don’t know why or how the people I’m closest to dealt with it, but I’m grateful they did.

It made me realize that I don’t ever want to feel so out of control again. Falling for someone should be exciting and fun, it should make you feel like you’re on top of the world.

It shouldn’t make you feel embarrassed at the end. It shouldn’t make you want to forget it all. It shouldn’t make you want to crawl into a hole every time you think about how you acted. Most of all, it shouldn’t make you feel like you don’t know yourself anymore. It shouldn’t make you feel like you screwed up.

How sad is it that, even the most independent and strong people can fall to their knees when it comes to emotions.

So, yeah, to the guy I fell for:

You screwed me up. You made me forget my priorities, you made me weak.

I put you on a pedestal. I thought of you as this amazing, unique individual, and I was afraid that, if I lost you, I would never find someone like that again.

I was so into you that I couldn’t even admit what terrible clothing taste you have – after all, those goddamned salmon pink shorts. Really?

Little did I realize, that you’re as ordinary as every other guy out there.

There are a million others who are as intelligent (and less cocky about it, might I add), the adorable pick-up lines and witty conversation starters of yours that I was so charmed by turned out to have been stolen from shady twitter accounts, and your bad-ass, cool-guy exterior was nothing but a facade.

The person I turned into, when I was around you, was someone that even some of my best friends said they could no longer recognize.

By the end of it, I lost a lot.

I left behind a piece of my heart, many memories, a lot of debt in the form of uber bills, and a pair of glasses that you never did bother to return to me.

But that’s okay.

That’s okay because, while i’m still fixing the pieces you broke, I now know that I will be okay without you. I can keep the good memories close to my heart and learn from the bad. I’m younger than I’ll ever be, and this is the time for me to learn to be independent, make memories and experience life. Most of all, it’s time for me to move on and not waste another second on you.

But before I do, I want to thank you. Thank you for the lessons you taught me, thank you for making me realize that I deserve so much more than what you gave me and better than how you treated me, and most of all, thank you for showing me exactly what type of a person not to fall for, ever again.

While I hope to never run into you again, I wish you all the best. I wish you success and good luck, and I hope that one day, you truly do find the right person and treat them well.

Have a good life.

Yours Truly,

Sai.