10 Crap Things About Adulthood


The whole phenomenon of transitioning to adulthood (I’m 27 and I still haven’t made it there yet) is an entirely disorienting experience. It’s not the letting go of being taken care of by your parents, no. It’s all the confusing shit that literally makes no sense. At all. Below is a list of the top ten shittiest things to expect from this transition, most of which make absolutely no sense at all.

10. Taxes. Pretty much too confusing for me to even BS for the sake of this article.

9. Health Insurance. High deductible. Low deductible. What is a “copay”? Why do I pay a super high fee monthly? Also why is the ONE THING that I am guaranteed to need, birth control, not covered at all? And on another note — since when is dental an optional service? I mean what unpaid interns came up with this? This shit sucks. And it doesn’t make sense! But you are expected to pay for it. This leads me to number 8.

8. Your body. Unfortunately you will not have the same super human ability to crawl to work at 8am in a drunken stupor with 2 hours of sleep after a night out. This just won’t fly with an adult body. The confusing thing is this: even though adults are supposed to be responsible, a lot of them don’t know a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g about taking care of themselves. So let me walk you through some basics: drink lots of water (NOT coconut water, Vitamin Water or anything flavored — just pure unadulterated water), get regular exercise (walking counts) and eat your fucking vegetables.

7. Meetings. If you work a 9-5 job in an office, stuck behind a computer, you know exactly what I’m talking about. These unfortunate time sucks are often scattered throughout the day, marring your outlook calendar with the constant reminder of how much shit you have to do while simultaneously detracting from the time you have to do it. Makes. No. Sense.

6. Coffee addictions. These. Are. Real. Why do we drink something that makes us feel so bad? And how is this specific chemical dependency exempt from stigma? Bizarre.

5. Business Casual. Slacks. Sports jackets. Heels that are low enough to be both comfortably hideous. Panty-hose the color of a dead woman’s skin. Not quite formal and most definitely not informal, this gray area leaves you contemplating the difference between looks to kill and you’ve been killed. Literally. You are dead. In a coffin. Wearing the same exact outfit. This is not the bright “semi-formal” world as seen on fashion blogs. This is where fashion goes to die.

4. The more money you make, the more money you spend. As you earn more and more money (which hopefully, you will) the list of pointless shit you spend money on grows exponentially. From any kind of insurance (car, health, life — yes! Life insurance is something you will have to deal with), to paying higher rents/mortgage for living in a place that isn’t a giant housing code violation, to investing in kitchen appliances, to buying shoes with arch support that don’t kill your aging feet. As you grow older you are expected to spend an abundant amount of money on shit that’s not that fun or cool. It’s crap and it makes no sense.

3. Dreams are dead. You would think that more experience leads to higher aspirations and lofty goals. Not true. People have been beaten down with pragmatism and a shitty economy, when you couple that with having to pay your bills and health insurance copays, this one kind of makes sense. You no longer have time to dream about all the cool shit you want to do. You’re not going to Paris. Your shitty app company is never going to launch. This is probably the last year you will be jamming with the guys. So forget about your dreams.

2. Being a woman. You thought being a girl as a teenager was shitty and confusing, well buckle up and get ready for a never-ending crap ride of sexual harassment and double standards. First off: street harassment never stops. It doesn’t matter if you are wearing sweatpants or if you are with your coworkers. It literally makes no sense at all. Secondly: sexism doesn’t stop in the office. Dudes are not any more savvy about gender shit. It’s actually as though they experience a reverse education as they grow up and get jobs that allows them to be even less aware of their man privilege than they were in their teen years. Makes. No. Sense. Finally: People. Never. Stop. Judging. You. Based. On. Your. Appearance. It’s fucking shitty.

1. Racism. Police officers don’t stop racial profiling. Neither do TSA agents or people who work in department stores. In fact, it gets worse. As with the aforementioned dudes it’s as though white people grow more and more indignant and refuse to acknowledge their privilege. If you bring up anything about race they will crouch down in a defensive position and attack. You might even be accused of reverse racism. Actually you will most definitely be accused of reverse racism.

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