10 Decent Things That Happen When You Graduate College That No One Tells You About
By Alex Shaw
This one is for all of the seniors out there who aren’t ready to graduate yet. That’s where I was a year ago, but I promise there are some good things coming your way!
1. You will get less fat.
It is much easier to lose weight after you graduate college. Gone are the days of binge drinking 5 nights a week, pizza delivery at 3 am, and a carb-heavy diet of Ramen, beer, and poor life choices. I’m not saying you won’t still be fat, just less fat than you are right now.
2. You will have money.
If you were one of those lucky assholes who had money in college, just skip this one. The typical first step after you graduate is getting a job, and jobs generally bring money. Money is good. You can even buy name-brand food once you graduate. Say goodbye to “Butter it’s Not!” and hello to “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter!”!!!!
3. Your alcoholism will subside.
Unless you hate your job, then it might get worse. But even so, similar to #2, you can probably afford at least some Smirnoff to drown your sorrows in instead of Mcormick’s.
4. No more homework.
Sure, sometimes (all the time), the 9-5 life sucks. But, the silver lining is that when you get home from work, you’re done with work. No more papers. No more all-nighters to study for a midterm. And weekends are completely yours. Sundays post-college are whole new ballgame because you can actually enjoy spending all day downing mimosas at brunch without feeling guilty about it.
5. Your apartment probably won’t have asbestos.
I heard 97% of college apartments have asbestos. The other 3% have rats that ate the asbestos. Not sure on the accuracy of these statistics, but from the ones I’ve been in that sounds about right.
6. You won’t have to see all of your past hookups on a regular basis.
No more run-ins on the way to class with the guy you threw up on while giving oral freshman year!
Ok I stopped after 6 when I really intended on having 10. I literally could not think of another reason post-college is better than college. Wow my life really sucks now. Quick, go fail some classes and take a victory lap before it’s too late!!!