10 Reasons I’d Rather Not Die Alone


1. My cat allergies. Unfortunately for those with an allergy, a feline roommate simply isn’t doable unless you’re willing to experience itchy, watery eyes, a runny nose and constant sneezing on the regular. Perhaps looking into other pets is a smart move, but if you’re allergic to dogs as well, you’re limited to goldfish and ant farms. Depressing stuff. 

2. I’m not great with a can opener. It just seems like a lot of tuna and canned goods are generally involved with the whole solo existence thing, and I’ve always had a great deal of trouble getting a clean cut on the first attempt. I ain’t about that life – can’t afford to spend twenty minutes struggling to open my dinner every single day.

 3. Easy scare. When watching television before falling asleep, all it takes is some upcoming horror movie airing their preview during a commercial break for my imagination to snowball into some very frightening places. This anxiety is certain to keep one awake for sometime, whereas there’s comfort in having a companion right there next to you. I mean, at least there’s another target for the knife wielding masked murderer.

4. Nobody will stop me from overdosing on sugar. If there isn’t anyone to intervene and reiterate that rocky road ice cream for breakfast and sour patch kids for lunch & dinner aren’t such a good idea, I’ll continue to devour boatloads of sugary treats until I not only die alone, but do so by age 34.

5. There are particular chores that I’d rather split responsibility for. Laundry, specifically the process of folding, hanging and organizing clothes is my nightmare and I’d rather dust, vacuum or mop instead. One of the many benefits of having a life companion is the whole dividing of household chores, providing the option of negotiating and hopefully finding your way out of the tasks you despise the most.

6. I wouldn’t want to eat Applebees alone. I know most of you are saying, “Why would you want to eat Applebees at all?” but sometimes I have an urge, even if they serve nothing more than overpriced microwavable dinners, nuked and brought to the table for you. Also, it’s not just about the food, Vince Vaughn explained it perfectly here in Couples Retreat:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGahOxpGLSk]

7.  Hooking up can’t/won’t get any easier. If it’s this hard to find a person willing to have sex with me in my twenties, I can’t imagine opportunities increasing in my 30s, 40s and so on. Not only will chances be scarce but everyone knows that performance declines and it’s just a very nasty downhill fall into sexlessness. That being said, it’d be nice to have someone, as in a wife, to regularly have sex with. Although from what every older married couple ever says, the levels of physical contact aren’t as frequent as I’d like to think.

8. The occasional argument is necessary. Sometimes I want to disagree and go back and forth disputing things with someone so that I at least feel something other than self-loathing.

9. I’d prefer to have kids at some point. I’m assuming dying alone means that at no point did I procreate, and I’d really hope to make a child someday. I mean, not just so there’s someone to live on and continue my legacy when I’m gone, but I think most people want to raise a child from infancy into a successful man or woman in an often crappy world.

10. Who arranges the funeral? If a person passes and literally has NOBODY, who is responsible for their belongings or throwing together a memorial? I want to leave this earth knowing that my Macbook is going to be in good hands, and there’ll be some decent quality cheese platters served at my wake. 

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