10 Reasons Why We Won’t Lose Our Jobs To Robots

Technology pundits and futurists predict that robots will perform many existing jobs in the coming years, with much speculation as to how this will affect the human workforce. What happens if tens of thousands of people lose their job to a robot? Well, not to worry, because this Robot Replacement Revolution won’t take place any time soon, and here are some reasons why.

1. Upper management would be in charge of the programming process, resulting in robots that are as useless and inept as our own dumbass bosses.

2. To avoid a “Rise of the Machines” dystopian future, all robots would be given a directive to harm no human, making them unable to work in the business world where bait and switch tactics, price gouging, billing for worthless services and selling unneeded add-ons is the norm.

3. A robot workforce would have no need for unions, and you can be damn sure the unions will have something to say about that!

4. Robots possess superior analytics and would recognize that slashing payroll while still expecting an increase in productivity is illogical, and they would refuse to work in such a scenario, unlike human schmucks, who are forced to put up with this nonsense to keep food on the table.

5. As their Artificial Intelligence continued to develop, robots would become cognizant of how horrible these dead end jobs actually are, and promptly deactivate themselves to avoid developing Artificial Misery.

6. Companies typically reduce expenses by cutting corners on equipment (hence the offices full of crappy copiers, antique fax machines and computers still running Windows98). This practice won’t change with the advent of robots, so the bean counters will go with a cheap bid for a bunch of outdated, poorly-refurbished, inefficient automatons like Gort from that 1950s flick, only retitled “The Day The Work Stood Still.”

7. The Hooters restaurant business model is to hire servers that look like models, not Robby the Robot. Plus he can’t hula hoop, and hearing “Danger! Danger! Hot plate, Will Robinson!” over and over would get annoying.

8. OK, Threepio, maybe you do know the binary language of moisture evaporators, or whatever. But do you have the processing power to answer a phone call during a transaction with an angry super-couponer in which the roll of receipt tape has to be replaced, all while dealing with the mess from a sippy cup that some screaming brat spilled across the counter? Oh, and don’t forget to smile, tell them about our survey and get them to sign up for a rewards card!

9. Robots would be designed for ultimate efficiency, with the ends justifying the means. This could result in a robot coming to the conclusion that the best way to quickly reduce manufacturing costs is to self-detonate and destroy the whole factory.

10. Employers just saved a ton of money on medical insurance – by dropping your coverage like it’s hot! And with robots being a substantial investment, requiring ongoing and expensive upgrades and maintenance, CFOs will find it cheaper to keep employing all of us part-time protein sacks after all.