10 Stupid Questions The Internet Can’t Seem To Answer


Don’t you just love the internet?

I know it has a few drawbacks. Like, the reproduction of rampant violent anti-female pornography.The spread of prejudicial and dangerous misinformation.Terrorists. The encouragement of ignorant and anonymous misanthropy in the comments sections of everything. The crippling of conventional news outlets through millions of idiotic click bait stories. And way too many cover videos of Gangnam style. People. It’s done. 

But the internet has so many positive attributes! Instructions for how to Rainbow Loom. Lots of awesome cat/pet blooper video montages (mostly cats). Wikipedia: a totally error-free research tool that means college students  never have to set foot in a library. Self Awareness Games — Games that tell us which seventies hairdo we are. Which Disney dwarf we are. Which Williams-Sonoma flatware line we are. And which hilarious celebrity we would be, if we were actually hilarious celebrities instead of regular people wasting valuable work time on buzzfeed. That social network that uses 20% of our discretionary time.

But my all-time fave thing about the internet is how it can answer any random question I feed it. I love that! One time, for example, I was having trouble remembering stuff and I literally typed in the phrase, name of bad wizard in that one movie. Saruman. Boom.  (The movie was Lord of the Rings.)

But listen, even the internet has limits. It can’t do everything. I’ve been compiling a list of random questions which, for some reason, the internet hasn’t been able to answer to my satisfaction. Maybe these questions are just too dumb and irrelevant. It’s also possible I haven’t done enough  searching.  I’m not always that thorough, and if I’m being totally honest, I sometimes nap during the day, underneath my cat. 

But what about these questions, Internet?

1.  Does anyone else get confused about which is real: The Unicorn or the Reindeer?  

For some reason, I’ve always had a hard time remembering which is the real, zoological creature that also flies and pulls Santa on his sleigh, and which is the magical animal that doesn’t exist. I typed this question into my browser. Nothing.    

2.  Are kids raised by Stay at Home Dads quieter?   

Does this question sound sexist? I don’t know. Sorry. But you know how women allegedly talk more than men? I’m curious about this. The internet doesn’t know.

3.  Is the Snuggle House literally the dumbest business ever invented?

Some guy opened a business in my hometown called The Snuggle House.  

Where people would pay to lay down – LAY DOWN – with a stranger. To snuggle. There were lots of news stories about it.  But none that answered this question. I have my own opinion.

4.  Why do people leave one morsel of cookie/cracker/whatever at bottom of a bag?

Look, I’m not pointing any fingers. But I don’t understand the psychological condition that compels people to open the pantry door, find one cookie is left, break off half of that cookie to eat it, and then leave one, stale leftover piece in the bag. Who wants to eat that? The internet only gave me cookie recipes. 

5.  Why does Linked In only invite me to connect with people I don’t know or like?

You know how networking sites sometimes upload mass contact information and then ask you to join? Well, something is amiss with the algorithm over at Linked In. Nobody relevant ever contacts me. Yet, on a constant basis, I get invitations to join from random women who used to live in my neighborhood then got divorced. Or husbands of women I know from work. I don’t even use Linked In. Make it stop.

6.  Would the movie, Frozen, have done as well without the “arctic vortex”?

I think this is a really reasonable question, isn’t it? I mean, I know nothing about the movie industry. But was it just a coincidence that we experienced very cold temperatures just as a movie about very cold temperatures was released? Or, was it not a coincidence at all….Disney?

7.   Why is it not a violation of private property to let your dog poop on someone else’s lawn?

Think about it. You can’t just unfold a lawn chair and sit on my lawn, with a newspaper.  You can’t throw trash on my lawn. You can’t walk across my lawn and plant flowers in it.   You can’t fertilize my lawn with chemicals. It’s my lawn. Private property. Likewise, I can’t send my kids over to your lawn, and let them poop on it. That would seem gross. But for some reason, it’s totally acceptable to walk your pet down the street, and let him poop on my lawn. I don’t get it.

8.   Why is it so hard to get rid of chipmunks?

Honestly, I’ve looked into this. I’ve gone to the hardware store to ask about it. You can buy poison to kill almost anything. You can hire exterminators to kill ants and flies and mice. You can get specialists to trap bunnies and raccoons. But nothing has been invented that actually works to get rid of chipmunks. I even tried to bury these beeping things that were battery operated and shaped like dildos. The whole thing makes me feel like Bill Murray in Caddyshack. Help. Me.  

9.   Why don’t English speakers who live in China use Chinese names?

Chinese is a complex language. I get that. In this country, Chinese nationals often use English names when introducing themselves. These are totally not their real actual names.  So why don’t Americans use Chinese names in China? Or do they? And why don’t people from other cultures – like Russia, or Japan – also use English names? I’m not trying to be rude, or politically incorrect. I just think it’s curious.  

10.  Why do some people say you don’t have to sharpen serrated knives?

I have gotten nothing but conflicting information about this. When we take our knives to get sharpened, the place won’t do the serrated ones. The internet says you can. What is the correct answer?