10 Terrible Gifts For Friends And Family
By Brad Pike
1. Wrapping Paper
There is nothing, nothing, worse than running out of wrapping paper. In some cases, you have to resort to covering your family’s treasured retail items in newspaper. “Positively gauche, father,” your son will say. “Not at all in the Christmas spirit,” says your daughter. “I want a divorce,” says your wife. And that’s why wrapping paper is such a great gift. (Note: you may have to warn the gift receiver when to stop tearing.)
2. Wooden Clown Doll
The description reads: “What a wonderful character this doll is!…He is extremely poseable and will stand on his own.” I sure hope he stands on his own. I hope he also walks on his own too, so he can hide in cabinets and drawers and surprise me with his charming handpainted leer. If you have any inhuman spirits in your home, this doll would make a great vessel for their undying malice.
3. Skeksis Perfume
With scents like whip leather and rusted padlocks, this is the perfect gift for a friend who wants to smell “super skeksi” for that party, date, or hour spent lurking in a girl’s closet. Dump it all over your face and shout “TRIAL BY STONE!” at your boyfriend while brandishing a 7 foot scythe.
4. Anyone Can Build a Tub-Style Mechanical Chicken Plucker by Herrick Kimball
For the friend who lacks the expertise to build a tub-style mechanical chicken plucker, this book provides step-by-step instructions on how to assemble a machine that will swiftly and efficiently tear off a bird’s feathers without damaging its delicious skin.
5. Robot Mech Suit
Make a child’s dream of inflicting mass destruction and death come true with the gift of a giant mechanized robot suit. According to the manufacturer’s website, this is an “art piece”, so I’d imagine the turrets and missile launchers aren’t actually functional, but I would bet with some slight modifications, you could, say, superglue knives to its arms.
6. Giant Cat Couch
Ideas for how to enjoy your new giant cat couch: 1) nestle your face in its armpit 2) dress up like a kitten and pretend to nurse from its teats 3) hang it from the ceiling and ride it like a kitty Falcor 4) hide dead cats under it. Maybe instead of hairballs, it coughs up ottomans and poops body pillows.
7. Castration: The Advantages and Disadvantages
Despite all the advantages, there are still those who haven’t bothered to sever their penises, who think their penis is necessary or natural. The scientific evidence is clear: a simple 15 minute amateur surgery can add 13 and a half years of life expectancy, cure prostate cancer, and improve immune system functioning, so quit jacking around and cut it off.
8. 2000 Ct. Live Mealworms
It’s so passé to bathe in water. Instead, fill the bathtub with mealworms and let the writhing squirming mass envelop you, like a million little fingers caressing your skin. “This is what love feels like,” you’ll gargle, mouth clogged with worms. Or you can also dump them all in a Playstation 4 box, so it can be a fun Christmas morning surprise for your son.
9. In The Velociraptor’s Nest by Christie Sims
We all know dinosaurs are sexy, but it’s so hard to picture yourself having sex with one because A) paleontologists aren’t precisely certain what they looked like and B) they’re dinosaurs. That’s where Christie Sims’ erotic imagination can help. In this 18 page masterpiece, Sims imagines a world where when people aren’t being eaten by velociraptors, they’re having have sex with them. Hot sex. Here’s an excerpt from this classic dinosaur erotica story:
“Azog felt the kiss of sharp claws against her skin as the hide slid from her shoulder and exposed on naked, heaving breast.
The raptor paused, curious, sniffing at her as she pressed desperately against the wall.
A reptilian tongue, stiff and hot, dashed out to lick at the tender, naked flesh so suddenly exposed.
Azog gasped at the touch, then gradually relaxed as her body warmed to the intoxicating sensation of the beast’s flesh against her own.”
10. Lime Zebra Comforter Set
Lime green is my favorite color and zebras have beautiful stripes. It makes perfect sense to combine these two on a bed, though the price for such sumptuousness is high: hunters must time travel to the future to track, kill, and skin a beast evolved from present day horses, hideously deformed by the millennia spent wandering the post-apocalyptic wasteland.