10 Texts You’d Send To Your Ex (If You Were Honest)

1. “I’m sorry — well, kind of sorry — I called your mom that nasty name out of anger. It was immature and rude of me. I recognize that. But, as long as we’re being fully honest with one another, I never really liked her anyways. And her eggplant Parmesan sucked.”

2. “Now that we’re no longer dating, I guess it’s time to tell you that your pet beta fish is not the same one you left in my care when you went to Australia for three weeks last summer. I, uh, forgot to feed him and found him floating face-up one day. But I replaced him! It’s Mr. Quiggles 2.0!”   

3. “Your music taste always slightly disgusted me, and I can’t believe that I let myself be with someone — for so long, to boot — who listened to Green Day without a single trace of irony. Green Day? I know you act like an idiot (often), but do you actually have the soul of a thirteen-year-old boy?”  

4. “I faked it every single time.”

“(By ‘it,’ I meant my enthusiasm every time you started talking about anything that interested you. Of course).”

5. “Has anyone ever told you that you kind of look like Mr. Squidward from SpongeBob Squarepants? Only when you squint and make that face — the one I really hate. But, I never minded because love is, sadly, blind.” 

6. “I was lying when I said I didn’t have a crush on your best friend. He’s actually one of the handsomest people I’ve ever seen. But it was totally innocent because nothing ever happened!” 

7. “You claimed that I never stood up for you in front of my friends, but — just so you know — I didn’t even laugh when my best friend said your face resembled a slice of Swiss cheese. AND I told her she was being rude.” 

8. “For the record, it was really hurtful when you said that my cousin has an ‘annoyingly nasal’ voice. You should know that she was the only one in my circle of friends who didn’t tell me not to give you a chance. I probably shouldn’t have listened to her.”

9. “How many times did your parents drop you on your head as a baby? Or is there another reason you seem to be so developmentally challenged?” 

10. “You act like you’re some grown-up human who wears flannel shirts and has his own K-cup maker and talks about stock options like he knows what’s going on the world…but you and I both know that you’re just a sniveling, little boy trapped in a man’s body.”