10 Things I Realized While Balls Deep In Kylie Jenner’s Instagram


What is it with Kylie Jenner, guys? Why can’t I keep myself from falling down into the deep, dark depths of her Instagram page? When we first met Kylie, she was how old – like eight? And she was swinging on a pole in Kris’s bedroom in their old Calabasas house back before Kim learned how to contour her nose and married Kanye West, way back when Scott Disick was just a little whiny rich-kid pipsqueak and not an actual Lord and meme generator.

I mean, seriously. Think of Episode 1 of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and compare it to now. A dinky little E! show about a girl with a sex tape and her family became a monolith of American culture and made all of the Kardashian/Jenners famous, especially Kim and her sisters. They dominate tabloids, pop culture, Entertainment Tonight and all social media, especially Instagram. And that’s where our fascination with “King Kylie, who has 31.3 million followers, really began.

Thousands – no, millions – of words have been spilled over the youngest Jenner, Miss Kylie Kristen. She’s on the eve of her 18th birthday; when Kylie was born, I was pretending to be Baby Spice. People are fascinated by Kylie’s transformation from dorky, sweet baby sister to the glamorous Kim doppelganger she is today. We write about her lips, her hair, her Snapchat, her nails, the products she’s shilling and the swimsuits she wears. Kendall may have the most-liked photo of all time, surpassing the Kimye wedding kiss, but Kylie’s the real master of the platform now. I bet Kim is jealous.


Do you ever just stare at Kylie Jenner’s face? I mean really stare at it? It’s a beautiful face, whether or not she’s done any work besides the lip injections, which she finally admitted to after months of saying it was just “like five kinds of lip liner.” Girl, I have lip injections. I know how it works. Her face, like Kim’s, is the centerpiece of her Instagram profile. We see Kylie’s face every single day, often more than once. Celebrities don’t have to adhere to that “one selfie a day” rule the rest of us abide by, I guess. It was Kylie’s face that led me to fall balls-deep into her Instagram, and this is what I learned.


1. Kylie does seem to have a sense of humor about herself; I laughed out loud when she posted a photo of Child Kylie saying “I promise I won’t grow up too fast.” She also reposted a meme saying “My love for you grows like Kylie Jenner’s lips.” It’s good to be self-aware! I suppose when you’re the baby sister in a clan like the Kardashians, the temptation to be like your glammed-out, superstar sisters is way too much. Kylie’s 17 is much different than our 17. She’s not wearing Abercrombie and driving her mom’s old Cadillac. She’s driving a Range Rover and starring in a Balmain campaign.


2. Norman Jenner, Kylie’s dog, is still alive. Have you noticed that the Kardashian-Jenner girls’ pets tend to disappear after a few high-profile photos? What happened to B-Hops, Khloe’s dog? Or Blu, the dog Rob gave Kendall that memorably shit all over Kris’s house? Or Kourtney’s Bengal, Christmas Kitty Charlie? However, Kylie’s dog Norman, who has his own Instagram, is surprisingly still part of her life. The dog named Bambi seems to have vanished, though.

3. She shills a bunch of products. Kylie got in trouble for posting about Pure Leef, a cream that is supposed to make your boobs and butt feel and look fuller. All of the comments on that post are about Kylie having surgery. We don’t know if she did have surgery or just a growth spurt, but that butt is looking suspiciously round for someone who “doesn’t work out.” Kylie also posts about Cocoa Brown Tan, detox tea, Reebok, Nip & Fab skincare and a few others. I wonder what she gets paid for that. I also wonder if those “detox teas” actually work. Kylie also reps her own line of hair extensions, Kylie Kouture by Bellami Hair. By all accounts, it is a legit line of quality hair.


4. Kylie is in the process of moving into and decorating her first home. She’s 17. She has a multi-million dollar mansion. Of her own. When I was 17 I had a 1993 Cadillac, as mentioned above, and a Motorola flip phone. She has recently installed a dramatic chandelier.

5. Kylie prefers the coffin-shaped nail. She prefers them in solid pastel colors like pale yellow and light blue.

6. Kylie loves Lucky Charms. They show up a few times in her Instagram. Lucky Charms, do you hear that?


7. Kylie, like Kim, is launching a makeup tutorial site. I am hoping it features lots of Joyce Bonelli, the Kardashian’s main glam squad member and noted platinum blonde. Joyce does Kylie’s makeup a lot, but she’s been absent from IG lately. I hope they aren’t feuding, because I love Joyce.

8. Don’t worry – Kylie even ‘grams her dentist. Dr. Kevin Sands has 25k followers of his own. She also has a photo withx Dr. Ruth.


9. Kylie considers Khloe her “other mother” and posted a sweet message to her on Mother’s Day.


10. Kylie’s Instagram is news. She posts a photo in a bikini and it gets picked up by several news outlets. Can you imagine that being your life? Can you imagine that any time you posted a photo of yourself, a website like Jezebel, E! or PopSugar would write about it? I can’t blame Kylie for her obsession with her appearance. The world is watching her, and that’s pretty heavy stuff for a teenage girl.