10 Things My Anxiety Would Like To Apologize For Doing

By Marilaura Maldonado

1. Double, triple-texting. I am immensely sorry sometimes my attention span is nowhere to be found and I would like nothing more but to share the most random things ranging from memes to how much I miss you. I frequently want to show you that you are on my mind and it can be overkill I know.

2. Saying I miss you. It almost sounds redundant to say I miss you now. I say it the moment you step out of my house and when we go without seeing each other for longer periods of time, my eyes say it. I am so sorry for making you feel guilty for not spending every waking second with me – it’s childish and I’ll work on it till it gets better.

3. Saying I love you. I should’ve never said it. Not because I don’t love you, I do, a lot actually but because now you look at me like a delicate flower. I love you more than words can say, and maybe it should be unsaid so you don’t have to be forced to say it back.

4. My passive-aggressive comments. Sometimes, I miss you and it shows. When it’s 5 pm and I didn’t receive a call from you at lunchtime I’ll text you “guess you didn’t eat today?” I’m sorry sometimes I let my frustrations win. It’s rude and childish which seem to be a reoccurring pattern.

5. Being reminded of you (and sharing). Sometimes I read a really good article (about love) or hear a good song and share. Or what about when I got into the personality tests and made you take at least four in a span of two days? I’m sorry sometimes I get excited over the little things and cannot contain myself. I wish the world (or at least your world) could revolve around me – but it doesn’t and I need to get a grip.

6. Asking to see you. I swear sometimes I think my head is just there so I have the option of having long hair. To think that I don’t even think about your obligations because I miss you it’s outright selfish. I’m sorry a million times for this. Falling in love with you and admitting it, made it feel more natural to want to move in some direction? See each other more or be more affectionate, which doesn’t make sense at all.

7. Expecting things from you (& then getting mad when you don’t meet my expectations). I would love for you to do a gesture of affection – whether it’s roses or fake flowers or a love letter or a post it. I want a picture with you in my home that already has so many pieces of you in it. But it’s stupid to want or expect those things, you and I are far from normal and traditional and I should know better.

8. Telling you that you hurt my feelings. So what if you called me a bitch? So what if I’m disappointed? I am actively picking you everyday good and bad. I’m developing thicker skin (I think) and hopefully, one-day things don’t bug me as much and I can focus on the good.

9. Not being present. Sometimes I’m so in my head because there’s this cloud of sadness over me or because I just am anxious thinking I have done something annoying or wrong that I can’t focus on you talking or being next to me or whatever. I think that this is such a weakness and mental illness really does hinder me from treating you the way you should be treated. I hate that.

10. Not letting you leave when you wanted to. I’m not sure if you ever think about this. But those times you wanted an out, I didn’t and those times I wanted an out – I again didn’t. I’ve always wanted you to stay. And minus getting on my knees and begging you I have embarrassed myself immensely trying to show you that you should. I love you very much and always want you around in my life. I would have this forever if you’d let me. I really would. But I am sorry because I don’t know if I make you as happy as you made me.