10 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’re A Secret Shitshow


1. Putting all of your clothes in the washer, every time you do your laundry. 

Because you can’t quite remember exactly what is clean and exactly what is dirty, and you figure, better to be safe than sorry.

2. Having a fifth cup of coffee at work. 

Because you stayed up until one a.m. last night watching Parks and Rec even though you’ve already seen the SnakeJuice episode six times.

3. Arriving everywhere slightly out of breath. 

Because you always leave for work or for social plans six minutes after you’re supposed to, but you still manage to get places on time.

4. Living off of dry shampoo. 

Because what kind of monster has time to wash their hair before work?

5. Dining out for lunch. Again. 

Because you meant to pack your lunch, but you didn’t. Because you forgot. Or because you remembered but you didn’t feel like doing it.

6. Eating things for breakfast that you shouldn’t eat for breakfast, like pizza from two nights ago or a half-empty bag of potato chips. 

Because the last time you went grocery shopping was like six weeks ago. Or maybe it was 2014.

7. Giving your friend a birthday card that contains a sweet note but terrible handwriting. 

Because you wrote it in your Uber on the way over.

8. Setting eight different alarms. 

Because you’ve unintentionally developed the habit of snoozing through the first four.

9. Taking four minutes to hand someone a pen out of your bag when they ask to borrow one. 

Because it takes you a while to sift through the gum wrappers, receipts, miscellaneous papers, chapsticks, tampons, ponytail holders, coupons, sunglasses, and other items that have made a home in your shitshow of a purse.

10. Saying ‘thanks’ and nothing else when someone compliments your makeup. 

Because it’s kind of definitely from last night.