10 Things To Consider Before You Post An Online Article That Starts With “10 Things…”
By Ahmed Sabri
1.
Don’t fucking do it!
2.
10 is just a number to make it seem bounded and readable for morons. Somehow 7 doesn’t look sophisticated enough and 16 seems more like a BuzzFeed GIF thing, which is equally annoying. On the other hand, 10 is a solid number, although the majority will only read the bold titles and check out the girl in the bikini jumping on the beach for no apparent reason other than giving the impression that this article is from a happy world. And while everyone is busy checking her out, you may stuff some meaningless, useless crap in between just to complete the 10 points.
3.
Like this one, for example.
4.
If you’re an American, or generally a white girl, please don’t write about the rest of the world, their colorful cultures, their cute Oriental traditions, and GOSH! THEIR FUNNY ACCENTS. In fact, you should probably not write at all. Chances are you’re a first-world, first-class moron with a boring one-dimensional life and a teeny tiny closed mind in your empty head that you find amusement in the hat of the new foreign intern in your office. Open-minded people absorb the differences of the world rather than getting culture shock. They probably don’t need to verbally indicate they’re open-minded or that they’re OK with whatever bizarre stuff; we foreign aliens do.
5.
The World Wide Web has reached saturation for articles about relationships, sex, breakups, career, motivation to travel, life after graduation, chasing your dreams, and meaningless hook-ups. So, you’re highly encouraged to move on to the next thing already. And for God’s sake, don’t start any more listicle websites. We have too damn much at the moment.
6.
No matter what you do, do NOT write about your First World problems. The other 6 billion people on the planet don’t give the slightest fuck about your ex’s new GF and her slutty Instagram OOTD picture hashtagged “swag,” whatever the fuck those are. I might agree with you she’s an immature attention whore, but honestly, darling, it’d be very helpful if you just post the photos and let us do the judging.
7.
STOP THE ARTICLES ABOUT CELEBRITIES. Especially the celebs with extremely vague reasons for their fame. Although you may exclude that chick who’s famous on Instagram for her remarkable ass. We don’t want to keep the world from workout motivation, do we? Keep it up, butt-babe, whoever the fuck you are.
8.
Your traveling articles are highly appreciated. We all respect the way you motivate people to set themselves free and explore the world. Just remember that somewhere in the far East or South there’s a Third World passionate student who wishes to do the same but has no means of stepping a foot outside their country because they’re not cool enough to get a visa. And in case you wonder, a visa is what the authorities required from uncool people before they follow your footsteps to see the world. Sometimes it’s followed by extensive questioning, searching, frisking, and suspicion of terrorism, drug trafficking and triggering a Western-based apocalypse.
9.
Have some sense of humor. Don’t take any of this seriously, (especially my girlfriend who frowned at some point. No, I do not check that Instagram girl out), and YES, this is supposed to clear all the racism, sexism, and any other offense you might have taken by reading this. Also to be honest, I do actually enjoy some of these articles occasionally.
10.
But seriously, just don’t fucking do it.