10 Thoughts I Had About Avril Lavigne’s “Racist” Music Video While I Masturbated To It

People have been talking about Avril Lavigne’s new music video “Hello Kitty.” They’re saying it’s racist…it’s guilty of cultural appropriation…it’s shitty. I’m not a huge Avril Lavigne fan, but I’ve never seen her say anything that indicated she was a racist. Other than agreeing to suck Nickelcock for the rest of her life, she seems like a decent human being with the fashion sense of your little sister who just discovered punk music.

Because “Someone got mad on Twitter” is now considered news, even The New York Times is reporting on the response to the video. I didn’t read it, but I think it probably says that a 22-year-old male feminist squirted sriracha on his ramen, queefed in his college dorm room, and typed “#racist” on his iPhone. However, when I saw that the empowered chubbies at Jezebel were popping their ass-pimples over this, that changed everything. They called the video “offensive on absolutely every level.” Now I absolutely needed to see it on every level. Those gals really know what they’re talking about!

So today, on my day off from work, I took a break from killing hookers in GTA5 to watch Avril Lavigne’s new video—a music video that is apparently worse than Hitler raping and eating a litter of Hebrew kittens. Here are 10 thoughts I had while I jacked off to it.

1. There are no homos in Japan or wherever they made this turd.

What is with the weird poor man’s Macarena dance going on in this video? I can understand not being able to find a professional choreographer if you’re on location in Japan, Canada, or wherever the fuck they filmed this piece of shit, but come on. Even a normal, non-dancer gay would come up with something better than this. Even just a guy who trolls for cock in rest-stop bathrooms would at least throw a Kid ‘n Play in there or something. This is terrible.

2. This music sucks Chad Kroeger’s balls.

What the fuck is this shit? Did they want it to sound like workout music? The guitars sound like the default guitar in GarageBand with a shitty overdrive effect thrown on top of it. The vocal track is 16 Avril voices laid on top of each other, then auto-tuned. The part at the end sounds like Skrillex took a break from giving Avril Lavigne his haircut to drop a second-rate beat for her. What the shit is this?

3. Oh God, she put on glasses!

Shit, gonna have to pace myself here. Oh fuck it, too late. I’ll be right back; I need something to clean up all these bubble tea globules.

4. Is that a cupcake dress?

Great, now I’m hungry, too. Have you ever had the red velvet mini cupcakes from Baked by Melissa? I could just sit there and eat them for hours.

5. I figured out what’s racist about the video.

No one came out and said it, but I’ve figured it out. Since it’s not possible that simply being in love with someone else’s culture could possibly be considered racist, here’s what is racist. The part of the video where Avril shows the Japanese chicks her Polaroid—I heard that in the director’s cut they show the photo and it’s the mushroom clouds over Nagasaki and Hiroshima. OMG, Avril! What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought Canada was the epicenter of all things civilized and tolerant! This is not OK, okay? Period. End of discussion.

6. There’s something seriously wrong with me.

Isn’t the thought of a racist Avril Lavigne hot? I kind of want Avril Levigne to tie me up and say racist shit to me while she shoves dumplings up my ass. On second thought, not the dumplings. We can eat those later after I’ve been sufficiently shamed and drained.

7. The chorus of this song is an ancient Shinto aphrodisiac.

“Come, come, kitty, kitty. You’re so pretty, pretty. Come, come, kitty, kitty…” Your clitoris should be the size of a spicy tuna roll before the chef divides it up.

8. This video needs more tentacles.

If you’re going to bounce around to shitty dubstep in a cupcake dress, at times kicking your leg in the air and revealing delectable pale thigh, at least have the common decency to make it tentacle porn. Just so you know, Mrs. Nickelback, tentacles are a big thing in Japan and have been for a long time. Have some respect for the culture you’re gouging for monetary gain. Make it hentai.

9. We’ve forgotten what anti-Asian racism looks like in America.

Let me remind you. It looks like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

10. Was this whole thing an advertisement for Hello Kitty?

Did Sanrio bankroll this shit? If so, then shame on them for not including more tentacles. On second thought, scratch this one. It’s much more likely that the record company intentionally created some social-justice bait by making a Japanese-themed video. Either way, we’re all tools for biting the hook.

Thankfully, Avril isn’t letting any of this manufactured controversy get to her. When asked about it by reporters she said, “I’m totally not racist. Also, I’ll totally give head to the next chubby Puerto Rican Thought Catalog writer who writes about me!” and then she giggled and licked a giant phallic lollipop. I’m paraphrasing.

All right, I need to go get a sock to clean all these poutine curds off my chest.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-mvPo4X4vE?feature=player_detailpage&w=584&h=328]