10 Totally Fake Terms For Very Real Concepts of Time


1. Cumulative Dilatory Vehicular Acceleration Consequence:

Describes the interminable delay at a traffic signal that occurs from the compounding effect of all the idiots in front of you waiting to hit the gas when the light turns green, causing you to sit through three cycles of the light.

2. Adolescent Audio Preference Continuum Perplexity:

This is the odd tendency for people to latch onto the particular style of music they are listening to at age 17, and to keep listening to it for the rest of their adult life. This explains the heavy rotation of songs like “Back in Black” and “Hotel California” on barroom jukeboxes.

3. Anachronistic Terminology Disjunction:

The jarring sensation experienced during a casual conversation when someone uses an out-of-date and out-of-place time reference, such as “a fortnight” or “many moons ago.”

4. Irradiated Consumables Preparation Vortex:

Refers to the time lost while standing in front of the microwave, urging your X-treme Triple Chees-o-rific Hot Pockets to hurry up and actually get hot in 3 minutes, without the center remaining frozen solid. It is estimated that the average person spends a total of 14 years of his life in front of a microwave because of this.

5. Chrono-illogical Ambiguity:

The vague, disjointed, and constantly changing description of a sequence of events as described by someone who is lying through their teeth to cover up some sort of impropriety.

6. Intercalary Yuletide Anticipation Disruption:

The insertion of extra days into the calendar that causes Christmas to take absolutely forever to arrive when you are a child. As you get older, there is an opposite occurrence in which entire months are removed from the year allowing Christmas to come way too soon.

7. Cyclical Periodic Placement Dilemma:

The ongoing problem faced by women when “that time of the month” always happens at the worst possible time.

8. Trans-generational Socio-neutral Parlance Permanence:

Describes the unique ability of the nearly 100-year-old slang word “cool” to remain in popular use with people of all ages and walks of life. This universal and long-lasting acceptance sets it apart from the bee’s knees, neat-o, groovy, rad, bitchin’, dope and hundreds of other now unfashionable slang terms.

9. Temporal Elasticity Perception:

This is the unusual way that time seems to stretch or shrink, resulting in that “five more minutes” of sleep to last 30 seconds, and those remaining five minutes of work or school to drag on for 30 minutes.

10. Inadvertent Time Capsule Creation Effect:

During this process, an individual unknowingly collects a number of objects from prior decades by either letting them accumulate under a car seat, fall behind a bookcase or settle beneath the sofa cushions. Years later, once the assortment of forgotten items is discovered, it becomes a fascinating and educational look at the VHS tapes, CDs, fast food, toys, lipstick, shoes and other ephemera that were popular in that era.