10 Types Of People You’ll Meet At The Bar When You Go Home For The Holidays


1. The Person You Hated In Middle School

Oh yeah, remember that person in 6th grade who made fun of you for having a wheeling backpack (YOU HAD BACK PROBLEMS, OKAY?!!)? Remember how you furiously scribbled in your diary and vowed to never speak to them again? Well, surprise, surprise. There they are. And they…are…waving to you? Faaaaack.

2. The Person You Desperately Wanted To Like You (But They Never Did)

The Arnold to your Helga Pataki; you never really had a shot. But that didn’t stop you from fantasizing about the day the two of you would eventually get married. You’ll have awkward small talk and wonder why you were ever so in love with them in the first place.

3. The Dude Who Is Way Too Old To Be There

He’s like next level Tyga, busy hitting on all the barely legal women within sight. Even though he’s definitely creepy, there’s something about him that just makes you really sad. Like, go home man. Do you…have a family?

4. Your Mom’s Single Friend

Weird and slightly uncomfortable for both of you. You’re just going to talk about family and pretend you didn’t see her downing jello shots two seconds ago. Oh, hey Mrs. Johnson. How’s your son? Mhm, I’ll definitely tell my mom you said hello!

5. F*ckboy Disguised As Intellectual Dude

He’s constantly bringing up The Catcher in the Rye and all the whisky distilleries he’s visited. Calm down, bro.

6. Hometown Hero

Everyone loved them. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E. Even when you wanted to dislike them because they were so perfect and awesome, they would make a joke or ask you something super caring and you remembered, OH YEAH, this human is wonderful. And there’s a reason the whole town adores them.

7. The Former Jock With A Newfound Beer Gut

He was the Big Man on campus back in the day, but that was…a long time ago. His glory days are far behind him, but he doesn’t seem to be aware. He’s far too old to be yelling, “CHUG!” But there he is, shouting. Cheers, man.

8. The Swan

At first glance you almost don’t recognize him/her. Always overlooked growing up, The Swan sort of just floated along. Late bloomer, wallflower, take your pick for slightly insulting nickname, The Swan is the one you sort of forgot existed. But oh my god, now you see them and rethink your entire youth because they are GLORIOUS. Here’s hoping you weren’t an asshole to them, because if you were? Now they get the last laugh in turning you down.

9. The Lonely Drunk

This one is just painful to encounter. They came alone. They will leave alone. And they are shit-faced the entire time. Tis the season?

10. Looking For A Plus-One

The holidays can be rough. Family! Expectations! Questions about why you haven’t settled down yet! Falalalalalaaaaaaaa. And someone at the bar has had enough of it. They refuse to show up to Aunt Sally’s solo again, and they are ready to fall in love. Even if only until the new year.