10 Unreasonable Things I Judge Men For

By

1. Your Shoes

The first place I look upon seeing a cute guy (after his face of course) is down at his feet. If you’re wearing flip-flops and aren’t from a tropical country and/or standing on a beach, please stop hitting on me. If you’re wearing checkered vans, you better have a skateboard waiting around the corner somewhere. If you’re wearing something that could be mistaken as orthopedic footwear, let’s pretend this interaction never even happened.

2. Your Coffee Order

During my two years as a Starbucks barista I met quite a few attractive men. However, many of these men lost their appeal after I realized that the Grande white mocha with extra whip cream they ordered was not to appease their boss, but was actually their daily order. Since these 20 something’s hadn’t quite gained the freshman 15 back in their college days, they slowly but steadily work towards it by drinking liquid sugar. Give me a guy who drinks drip coffee or at least something that won’t have him wearing dentures by the time he’s 45.

3. Your Celebrity Crushes

When it is revealed that a guy is obsessed with Megan Fox, the question women ask is really? Isn’t that a little cliché? (We also ask: how the hell am I ever going to look like that?) Not only do your celebrity crushes preview your taste, they also point to your originality, or lack thereof.

4. Your Dessert choices

When someone tells me they don’t like ice cream I want to ask: who beat you when you were a child? Did they beat you with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s? But in all seriousness, my idea of a perfect mate is someone I can eat half-baked out of the container with while watching copious amounts of Modern Family. That’s going to be a problem if you hate joy.

5. Your sad attempt at a mustache

I understand that not all men are genetically blessed with that lumberjack beard women love, but we will appreciate it if you live within your limitations. If you can’t grow facial hair, shave it all off. No one wants to kiss a guy with a sad little caterpillar hibernating above their lip.

6. Your underwear

  • Boxers or briefs please.
  • Tighty-whities = unacceptable.
  • Commando because you’re too lazy to do your laundry = disgusting.

7. Your eating habits 

My biggest pet peeve in the whole world is people with bad eating habits. In fact, I hope that all my first dates involve food of some kind so I can determine quickly if you eat as if it’s the depression era and somebody is going to come steal your ration. Unless you’re Adam Brody, mouth open chewing will break the deal.

8. Your bathroom

Now I understand that not everyone is great at keeping things clean. Hell, at the end of a long week, my room looks like it’s hurricane season in Florida, and my bathtub is currently a slight red color from my most recent hair dye tryst. However, if when I use the bathroom at your house I feel like I might have just picked up crabs or walk out covered in small little facial (I hope) hairs, I’m going to be a little turned off. Also, for gods sake, flush the toilet and put the lid down. It’s not that hard, I promise.

9. Your tattoos

This one is a double-edged sword because I will:

  1. Instantaneously fall in love with you if you are covered in tattoos.
  2. Instantaneously be turned off by the tweetie bird sketch on your arm.

Tattoos are awesome. But let’s keep them at least slightly tasteful shall we?

10. Your burliness

Let me put it out there that I know this sounds like the most ridiculous on the list, but I just cannot get stoked about a guy who looks like he lives at the gym. I would rather date some gangly nerd who uses time that could be spent “lifting” reading instead. Some questions that pop into my mind when I see someone who’s bulked up: “How much time did that take you?” “Are your boobs bigger than mine?” “Is the Hulk your brother or a distant cousin?” To put it simply, if you use the phrase “getting yoked” un-ironically, you will never get in my bed.