10 Ways A Man Is Instantly Sexier (Because Yes, I Sometimes Objectify Them)


Look, I don’t know who my guy is, or where we’ll meet. I have no clue about what he cares about, how he looks, or how he makes his money. But it’s kinda fun to wonder, in my cold, single nights, and these are the things that get my imagination turning overtime. Not sorry.

1. Poor Eyesight

A man in glasses just looks smarter. In my head, he carries business cards, and reads Sunday newspapers – including the property section. A man in glasses negotiated a salary increase last week, wears that knitted cardigan like a boss, and gives great head: when he takes off his glasses he can’t see shit, so you’d better believe he feels his way around your body instead. Mr Four Eyes: I see you.

2. No Stranger Danger

I talk to everyone. HI WHATCHA YOU DOING OH DRIVING YOUR TAXI WELL HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A TAXI DRIVER DO YOU LOVE IT COOL I LOVE TAXIS WHAT’S YOUR NAME? Stranger danger does not exist to me, and I need the same from my mate. It takes confidence and manners and grown-up-ness to make idle talk with the waiter, or chat with the old lady from the apartment opposite about her grandson. No stranger danger marks a boy out as a man, so my eyes are peeled for the one striking up random conversation on the bus.

3. Gray Hair/No Hair

Balding or graying hair means that statistically, a guy is more likely to be near to my target age of 39 – a number chosen arbitrarily based on the fact that there are eleven years between Beyoncé and Jay-Z, so: obviously.

4. Dirty Talk

Say words I’ve never heard before. Talk to me about Cartesian Coordinates and the abiotic factor and Boal’s Theatre of the Oppressed and I’ll be all “Yeah? Yeah? And what else do you like? What else do you want to see oppressed?” Teach me, and I’m yours. Intellectual intercourse is the best kind of foreplay, and everyone knows it.

5. Scars. Lots of scars.

It means you’ve been on adventures, and by definition of having had adventures it means you’re likely game for more. Let’s take a trip, you salt-and-pepper-haired partially blind chatterbox. Also, that bit where we do “sexytime” and then lay in bed until the sun peaks through the blinds, telling the story behind every mark on our bodies? EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE.

6. A Foreign Tongue

Don’t even mention you can speak a foreign language, just… start speaking it when we overhear the lost tourists by the park arguing over the map in their hands. And when I ask how you know Portuguese say something about a gap year before college when you were 18, and then show me another scar.

7. Money

This isn’t about buying me stuff, or paying for dinner, or getting fancy and being a dick about the G’s you bring in. Working hard to put food on the table, and maybe even figuring out a pension plan, can be a huge turn-on. Life is hard, and we’re all wondering how it works for Real People. Researching investment options means fiscal responsibility – a man who knows what he wants his future to look like. A man with the foresight to start a savings account for a house downpayment is very likely to have me say “I’ll give YOU a return on your investment.” Geeking out is cute.

8. Friends

Wait, you have a life? With like, hobbies and plans and stuff? A man who doesn’t want to make his woman his whole world, but wants to bring her into his world with love and laughter and well-adjusted adult friendships is a rare and noble thing. Treasure it. It means he’s with you because he wants to be, not because he ran out of options. Yes, I’m talking to you, Steve from the bar who only ever texts when he is drunk and bored.

9. The Shit-less Gene

Can’t run on the grass with me because you are wearing new shoes? Fuck off. Imma get footloose with the guy who just doesn’t care. Also – he’s probably the one who doesn’t worry if he hurts my feelings by telling me I am pissing him off, or that I have morning crust in my left eye. He is just himself, and it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. WELL GOOD, BECAUSE I DON’T CARE THAT YOU DON’T LIKE THESE POLKA DOT TIGHTS AND ALSO YEAH, LOVE YOU TOO.

10. Calloused Hands

You can probably put up a shelves (useful), and also? Those workman hands make my waist feel small and dainty, and like you could pin me up against this wall with one hand and make me cum with the other. That’s sexy.