10 Ways To Act Spoiled In 2014


When it comes to being spoiled, it’s all relative. Perhaps you fancied yourself a spoiled child, but, compared to kids nowadays you looked more like a saint. For instance I witnessed a girl the other day with the face, blow-out, and Balenciaga bag of a Real Housewife’s daughter walk hurriedly up Park Avenue, bump into a man walking his dog, spill half of her green juice on the dog, and then rush into a black Mercedes without so much of a “sorry.” And that, I thought, is how to be spoiled in 2014.

1. Uber excessively.

It must have been hard for our parents; try as they might have, they simply couldn’t show off their spoiled sides in the myriad and creative ways we can today. Things like Uber, which is only a year old, gives us a wealth of opportunities to emulate E.J. Johnson from Rich Kids Of Beverly Hills. A good place to start is approaching the app in a reckless manner. Try Ubering a car any time you want to go anywhere, and then entirely neglecting the Uber you beckoned when it’s not directly outside the front door the minute you step outside.

2. Kick out the camera crew constantly.

Many reality shows star insanely wealthy kids because…well, they’re honestly astonishing to watch. I could only get through one episode of Rich Kids of Beverly Hills and after that I was like, “Cool. At least now I don’t need to watch Schindler’s List because I’ve just seen it all.” But then the Oprah-funded show Lindsay came on and everything changed. Being spoiled in 2014 isn’t merely having your own reality show; its’s agreeing to have a reality show and then kicking the camera crews out at your will. You want to instill fear in your audience that each show will be the last, forever, because you’re unpredictable and could shut the whole thing down at any moment.

3. Spend an unreasonable amount on Postmates.

Merely utilizing Postmates already suggests that you’re used to that butler-prevalent lifestyle and never being told “no.” It’s an app that allows you to order-in food from practically any restaurant in New York City, with the promise of delivering within the hour and robbing you like a blind old lady. If you’re aiming to revolt others with your overindulgence, try Postmating something particularly gratuitous like a blueberry muffin that’s three boroughs away.

4. Google Glass.

Yes, hypothetically you could walk down the street like a friendly pedestrian, make eye contact with your barista and say “thank you” as she hands you a scone, but you’re busy. You see, along with seven other people in the world, you own a pair of Google Glass, making everything in your immediate surroundings seem peripheral.

5. Boujis transportation.

This is how you and your family get around:

6. Eat a cronut a day.

Become the person in your office who somehow shows up every morning with a cronut and acts like it’s nothing but a street cart pound cake. Casually pull it out from a white paper bag, take four whole bites, and then toss the rest in the trash without asking if anyone else wants it.

7. Get your makeup professionally done every day.

Among the many things we have to thank the Kardashians for are their Instagrams, which so generously entertain us when we’re on the toilet and no one is answering our calls. And then of course we can’t forget the beauty standards they’ve set in place. Spending $150 to get your face professionally contoured by a Bergdorf Goodman makeup specialist used to be enough to nab you at least an audition for NYC Prep, but thanks to Kim K, standards have been raised. In terms of beauty upkeep, being spoiled in 2014 means getting your makeup done every day — and not just every work day, but every day day. As in, every day you’re pregnant too, up to and including the day you’re in labor.

8. Have a pet to match your outfit.

Copious accessories may have been enough to classify you as spoiled in 2003, but that’s merely pauper status now. Now, the only type of accessory that will have people calling you spoiled is a living and breathing one; that’s right: a pet. So go ahead and buy yourself a Daschund or a hairless Russian cat. Get one to match your outfit and you’re that much closer to being Kylie Jenner.

9. Ungrateful for an iPhone at 6 years old.

I’ve seen a 7-month-old with her own iPod. I’ve seen a baby that was born prematurely receive a nano while still in the incubator. What I’m trying to say is: to act spoiled in 2014 is to consider iPhones and iPods as commonplace; think of it as on par with the latter-day Tamagotchi or pizza Lunchables. It’s being 6 years old, getting an iPhone for Christmas, and then being ungrateful because it’s an iPhone 5 and not a 5s.

10. Take a selfie while your parents are trying to talk to you.

A spoiled boy à la 1997 might have played his Gameboy on loud as his parents were trying to speak to him. Now? Not so much. For starters, there’s the high likelihood that you won’t be able to find a functional Gameboy and, secondly, that type of behavior is now accepted; hell, your parents are probably texting while talking to you too. Which is why, if you want to be spoiled in 2014, you must take a selfie as your parents are trying to talk to you. It’s rude, it’s self-indulgent, and it’s the perfect way to be that thorn in your parent’s side you’ve always dreamed of being.