10 Ways To Make It Sound Like You Know What You’re Talking About
1. Always begin with “I read somewhere that…”
Even if you overheard some drunk guy in a Space Jam t-shirt shouting about it on the phone, starting with “I read somewhere” will make your source seem reliable. People will think that you’re well read and worldly even though the last thing you actually read was the free Sparknoted version of The Great Gatsby. No one will question where you read these facts because no one actually reads.
EXAMPLE: I read somewhere that Stacey is a backstabbing bitch.
2. Lists. Lots of lists.
No one can argue when you have a list of supporting details. Do not be afraid to use your fingers as a condescending visual aid when counting off. This is also a great opportunity for you to blow the dust off of that old Thesaurus app you have. You can list reasons, facts, details, statements, testimonies, evidence, specifics, data, and proof. See? Who can argue with that?
EXAMPLE: Stacey is a rude ass bitch because she 1) is a backstabbing bitch 2) doesn’t wash her hair 3) shops at K Mart 4) claims she’s a vegan but isn’t.
3. When in doubt, throw in a big word.
Find an SAT word and throw it into conversation whenever possible. The longer the word, the better. You don’t need to know what this word means, or how to use it properly, just make sure you say it with confidence.
EXAMPLE: Stacey was being really obsequious to me at K Mart.
4. Glasses
Everyone knows that people with glasses are smarter. Glasses mean that you have eye problems from reading too many books and doing too much math. Glasses aren’t just for doctors or lawyers anymore. If you’re trying to look like you know what you’re talking about, wear some glasses. For an added effect, take the glasses off before you speak. This will give the impression that you are smart but also independent.
EXAMPLE: Wear glasses.
5. Pretend to respect the opinions of others.
Nothing wins an argument faster than saying that you respect the opinions of the person who is wrong. Let them speak. You don’t necessarily have to listen to them, but nod thoughtfully as you think about how right you are. Once the noises stop coming out of their mouth, begin your sentence with “I respect your opinion but…” to make it seem like you genuinely care.
EXAMPLE: I respect your opinion but I read somewhere that Stacey is a backstabbing bitch.
6. Visual aid
EXAMPLE:
7. Mention other times you were right.
Sometimes people can forget just how many times you’ve been right before. Being right is like riding a bike, once you’ve done it, you never forget. Use these times that you’ve been right in the past to prove that you’re right once again. Your friends will thank you for reminding them that you’re the trustworthy friend.
EXAMPLE: Remember when I said that the Chinese food place would still be open and it was? I’m telling you, Stacey is a backstabber.
8. When in doubt, repeat stuff.
Friends can be hard of hearing once in a while. If you didn’t get the reaction you wanted the first time, try again! The repetition will help them memorize the facts you’re providing them.
EXAMPLE: Stacey was being really obsequious to me at K Mart.
9. Make your opponent feel ostracized in wrongness.
Use phrases like “Everyone knows that…” and “You don’t really believe that…” to make your opponent feel like they’re alone in their beliefs. You should also use a sweet tone to make them feel pitied and stupid. This will make them more likely to fold under the pressures of being accepted.
EXAMPLE: You don’t really believe that Stacey is your friend, do you?
10. Use sweeping generalizations to avoid being wrong.
Everyone knows that it’s impossible to argue against generalizations because they have to be true at some point. Things get sticky when you start to get too specific, so why not stick with broad assumptions and generalizations? Generalizations are never wrong.
EXAMPLE: Everyone knows that all girls name Stacey can’t be trusted.