100 Apologies
1. CC – Sorry I posted my glib thoughts about you and other alt lit writers to my personal blog circa 2010. I want you to know I was foolish and immature. I wish you all the success in the world.
2. Vegetables – Sorry I never eat you. I’m trying. I really am.
3. Running – Sorry you’re so boring.
4. Online Dating – Sorry about all the things I said, and wrote, about you. A certain portion of the population has met the love of the life using you; I should be more respectful of that. A good craftsman never blames his tools. Even if you are a tool like an iron maiden, it doesn’t mean your brand of torture hasn’t worked.
5. Anyone who ever broke up with me – I’m sorry I wanted to know the reason why. It just made things awkward.
6. Anyone who wandered into that one cloudy area of Barnes & Noble after I walked away – I’m sorry. I just couldn’t stay. I hope it didn’t surprise you too much.
7. Money – Sorry I give you away. Trust me when I say I’d like to be with more of you all the time.
8. Blonde Novelist – I’m sorry I wrote so much about you.
9. WO – I’m sorry I made a joke about you calling your MFA graduating class a “cohort.” Sure, the term is silly and pretentious, but that doesn’t matter. It’s just, I have a problem of falling for people I don’t know.
10. All yoga butts – Sorry we haven’t met.
11. My hair – Even when I was younger and you were around more, we had beef. I don’t know why. I’m sorry. I should have cherished you.
12. RS – I’m sorry about how things ended the second time. I don’t think you’ve forgiven me, and I can’t blame you, but know I thought the world of you. Still do.
13. Dave Matthews Band – Sorry you’re not more critically-acclaimed than Arcade Fire. Honestly, you should be. We all should be.
14. Anyone I ever messaged while online dating – I’m sorry. I hope you’re doing well.
15. Anyone I ever unfollowed on Twitter – It’s possible I followed you because I thought you’d follow me back. Or I unfollowed you because you never favorited or retweeted anything I said. Whatever the case, I’m sorry I got involved in your online life. I’m not someone you need.
16. God – You were just too much of the strong silent type. I’m sorry, it’s not You, it’s me.
17. Every producer at Thought Catalog – I’m sorry I sent you anything. I wasted our time, and I am sorry for that.
18. Anyone I ever kissed – I’m sorry. It’s clear now. We never had a shot.
19. My abs – I am sorry. But please know, I’m not hiding you on purpose.
20. AK – I’m sorry I wrote that story about us then sent it to you. Sorry, I should be more specific, I’m not sorry I wrote it. You still texted me updates on your life. So I wrote that story to help me cope with how you broke me, but I sent it to you to get you to stop.
21. Guy who invoked the death penalty when he unfollowed me on Twitter– I’m sorry you’re a toddler trapped in the body of a 30-year-old-man. I’m sorry you make up hashtags like #cl (clandestine lover) for secret girlfriends you have. I’m sorry you wrote a novel about the time you were in a band. I’m sorry about everything.
22. Literary Journals – Sorry about the stories I sent you.
23. Minneapolis – I’m sorry; it’s not your fault the people in your blog circles are the way they are. Chin up. Your rivers and lakes are peaceful, and your bike trails, handy.
24. Winter – Sorry about everyone always hating you. Pumpkin Spice Latte? I’ll take hot chocolate.
25. The word “tumescence” – I’m sorry, you’re really good. I don’t use you enough.
26. The word “callipygian” – Same for you.
27. Justin Vernon – Sorry about your hair.
28. People who write about rape culture – I’m sorry you’re so desperate for validation you stoop to topics like rape to gain followers. More than that, I’m sorry you haven’t helped one person.
29. Men who are part of men’s rights group – I’m sorry about what’s happened in your life that you’ve come to a point where you need to be part of a group that champions men.
30. The couch cushions at my parent’s house – I’m sorry about what I did with you when I was 12.
31. ALG – I’m sorry I wrote that story and sent it to you. I did the same thing with AK and it didn’t work then, so I don’t know why I thought it would with you. Okay, sorry again, I’m lying, I knew it wouldn’t work. I just wanted you to tell me to go away. If I hadn’t sent it, you wouldn’t have said a thing.
32. AW – I’m sorry your book is bad. No, sorry again, I’m doing what I did with “CC” all those years ago. I’m judging you because of how entrenched you are in a scene. I’m sorry, it was just the first few pages of your book that are not good. The rest must be golden.
33. SF– I’m sorry I sent my story to you. You were going to read it and tell me what you thought. But something happened. Or maybe a bunch of things did, I don’t know. I’m just sorry I trusted you with it.
34. My keyboard – I’m sorry for all the keystrokes. Every single one of them has been a waste.
35. My brain – Sorry for all the times I’ve made you try. From now on, I’d like for us to be better friends. I’ll give you as many drugs as I can find.
36. Mark Driscoll – I’m sorry you’re going to hell.
37. “Tex” – I’m sorry I came to the lit party where you designed the swim suits for the models in the windows. You invited me, yes, but only to see if I’d come. And I did, and it was embarrassing. But it had to have been even more embarrassing for you to pretend I didn’t exist.
38. My 12th Grade Physics Class – I’m sorry I farted every day in class. It was after lunch, and you know school lunches. Also, more than that, I’m sorry I always let us blame it on NW. He was on the other side of the room and somehow the fan carried my farts to the his side. And since NW was always the other guy in our class who farted, we all blamed him.
39. NW – Sorry about that.
40. Medium – Sorry I don’t think giving homeless people a book on coding will solve the homeless problem.
41. The Unicorns – I’m sorry Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone is not always considered the best album of the 2000s.
42. Blog Guy – I’m sorry you’re so afraid of others becoming more well-known at the blog you started. But good job on the blog, it was good for two months three years ago.
43. Literary Agents – I’m sorry I sent you the first page of my “novel.”
44. MR – I’m sorry I fell in love with you. We were 23 and you were a volleyball player from Iowa and I was a guy with big calves who couldn’t jump very high from South Dakota. It never would have worked.
45. AM – I’m sorry I fell for you months after we separated. It was a very cliched thing to do, to want what I couldn’t have. But more than that, I would later gain the unmanly habit of acting like a wounded puppy around you, then after that, writing about how “stupid I’d been.” It was unseemly, and I am sorry.
46. Sufjan Stevens – I’m sorry you never finished that 50 states project. We were looking forward to it.
47. KT – I’m sorry I messaged you on MySpace. I am also sorry about the phone sex, and that I came down to see you and meet your family in Alabama. I’m sorry we talked about me moving there. I’m sorry I thought we were going to get married. I’m sorry about everything.
48. Andrei Tarkovsky – I’m sorry I reference you. I actually haven’t seen any of your movies from beginning to end.
49. Bert Blyleven – I’m sorry about all those years you had to wait to get in the Hall of Fame. You seemed like a pretty good guy that time I golfed in the group behind you in Seattle.
50. Richard Yates – I’m sorry someone wrote a bad novel and used your name as the title.
51. Brian Moore – I’m sorry your novels are so underrated.
52. Youth – Sorry I wasted you.
53. Woody Allen – Sorry the internet decided who you were and what you’d done in life.
54. Wes Anderson – I’m sorry about all the movies you made after The Royal Tenenbaums, except for The Grand Budapest Hotel, that was a step in the right direction.
55. Tobias Wolff – I’m sorry you went bald. Your writing is still very good.
56. AK – This is my second apology to you. I’m sorry for all those blog posts where I had a “million questions” for you. Not sure if you saw them, but was some shameful emo shit, and I am sorry.
57. Silkworm – I’m sorry more people don’t know about “I Hope U (Don’t Survive).”
58. Ross McElwee – I’m sorry I didn’t see Sherman’s March until a few years ago. It’s so good.
59. Mark Borchardt – I’m sorry you didn’t have enough money to make Northwestern.
60. Kirk Cameron – I’m sorry about that sad birthday party you had.
61. Joshua Harris – I’m sorry you unwittingly encouraged so much butt sex.
62. Chuck Klosterman – Sorry about those novels you wrote. Your essays are still good.
63. SS – I’m sorry I agreed to go to pho with you. It was clear after you canceled the movie night then rescheduled a second time you weren’t interested. But I couldn’t get the image of us out of my mind. I hope your breasts are still perfect.
64. Jim Carrey – Sorry you got into Scientology.
65. Dane Cook – Sorry about your career now. You were a great comedian in the early 00s. You really were.
66. Leonardo DiCaprio – Sorry you haven’t dated every supermodel or won any Oscars. I know life can be hard.
67. Jars Of Clay – Sorry more people in the secular world don’t realize how good you guys are.
68. KH – I’m sorry I sent you that email. When you told me I was “amazing” as well as “wonderful,” that was just a figure of speech. I should have just let you go instead of haranguing you for being a liar. Lying is allowed in breaking up.
69. JH – I’m sorry I said, “Remember that next time you accuse someone of less than reputable behavior, then turn around and use that less than reputable behavior as a shield for your own sleazy ways.” I should have just said “goodbye, awful person” and been done with it. Sometimes, I know, I am too verbose.
70. BC – I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us. You were tall and blonde and laughed at the right times. I’m also sorry about the last time I saw you, when there was a hickey on your neck from someone else.
71. MK – I’m sorry you were the guy who published my stuff here. I just kept on sending you things. I couldn’t stop. I had a problem.
72. All video games – I’m sorry I don’t play you more often. I would, if I could. It’d be me and you and pizza for the rest of time.
73. My head – Sorry you’re so oblong.
74. Brightblack Morning Light – I’m sorry I haven’t gotten sexy with someone while listening to you. I need to get sexy more often.
75. AH – I’m sorry about the time in the third grade when I was on my backswing and you walked right into it. Sure, you turned out to be the worst person in our class, so it worked out in the end. But at the time, you know, I felt bad.
76. NH – I’m sorry about the time I went over to your parent’s basement when you weren’t home and masturbated to one of your Playboy’s. I didn’t take any care as to where I finished, and that was wrong.
77. Other writers on the internet – Sorry I never read your stuff.
78. Orange is the New Black – Sorry I watched you all at once. Doing so made me extra weary of Daya and Bennett’s story.
79. Yesallwomen – Sorry that hashtags are meaningless.
80. Shoah – Sorry I haven’t gotten around to watching you.
81. Earth – Sorry we’re trying to kill you.
82. Poets – Sorry there’s no way you can make a living doing what you love.
83. Novelists – Sorry there’s almost no way you can make a living doing what you love.
84. Pizza – Sorry I don’t eat you for every meal.
85. Pho – Sorry I don’t eat you, along with pizza, for every meal. But you are perfect. Please know that.
86. Jenny Slate – Sorry we’re never getting married.
87. My uncompleted adapted screenplay of A Tragic Honesty – Sorry I can’t start you. It just seems so fruitless to work on something that would take so long and is never going to be used for anything.
88. My Crossfit instructors – Sorry I make your gym fatter.
89. My high school football coach – Sorry I went out for football my senior year of high school. It must have been awkward to try and find playing time for me.
90. The first person I kissed – Sorry about how bad that was for us.
91. The first person I had sex with – Same thing, but only for you.
92. Anyone who has ever had to listen to me rant about my problems with social media and my belief that there is a secret writing cabal conspiring against me preventing me from being successful in what I want to do – Sorry
93. Anyone who has ever listened to me talk about Twitter – Sorry
94. Anyone who has ever listened to me talk about relationships – Sorry
95. Anyone I have given my writing to – Sorry
96. Anyone I have given my heart to – Sorry
97. Anyone who has given their heart to me – Sorry
98. My parents – Sorry
99. My dreams – Sorry
100. Me – Sure, I’m sorry for you too.