100 Thoughts You Have When You See Your Ex With His New Girlfriend

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  1. Huh, that guy kinda looks like…
  2. …wait, what?
  3. WHAT?!
  4. So I guess mullets are back in fashion now.
  5. And I didn’t get the memo about dungarees being a thing.
  6. Now I KNOW that Crocs aren’t cool.
  7. Ick.
  8. I wish that girl would move out of the way so I can pick him apart some more.
  9. Hold on, she isn’t…?
  10. She IS!
  11. Well, if that’s what he traded me in for, I’m insulted.
  12. Wait, would it better if she was hot?
  13. IS she hot?
  14. Maybe I just have a bad angle.
  15. Maybe she’s Megan Fox.
  16. My ex-boyfriend is dating Megan Fox.
  17. I need to consider my life choices.
  18. Why isn’t Benedict Cumberbatch responding to my numerous Facebook friend requests?
  19. Doesn’t he know who I am?
  20. Who am I, anyway?
  21. And what’s the meaning of life, for that matter?
  22. She has really good hair.
  23. Maybe she pays tiny men to place each strand of hair just right.
  24. I bet they iron the shafts, too.
  25. Shaft. LOL
  26. Come on, I don’t have all day. Turn around.
  27. I bet she’s got a bad case of butter face.
  28. Or maybe a massive wart on the end of her nose.
  29. Or maybe she’s like the anti-Medusa.
  30. Like, if she looked at me, she’d be so beautiful that I’d cry and combust in an explosion of something.
  31. My brain is saying Skittles.
  32. Mmm, Skittles…
  33. TURN AROUND.
  34. Well clearly she’s being deliberately difficult.
  35. Just turn ar—nope. Definitely not hot.
  36. And also possibly pregnant.
  37. I am a bad feminist.
  38. Oh, and now they’re holding hands.
  39. Great, good, good for you, well done.
  40. I also have hands. Hands that obviously weren’t good enough for you.
  41. I should stop looking at this.
  42. I can feel my self-esteem crumbling like cake.
  43. Mmm, cake…
  44. I should list all the reasons I’m glad I’m single. That’s productive.
  45. OK, reason number one…this is actually really difficult.
  46. Oh, God. Now they’re kissing.
  47. PDAs should be punishable by death.
  48. There should be firing squads hanging out on the streets, just waiting to kill anyone who engages in tongue action.
  49. STOP TOUCHING HER BUTT!
  50. Are they just hanging around outside my place of work on purpose?
  51. Is this a ruse? Is that what this is?
  52. I’m not sure I know the proper meaning of ruse…
  53. Better consult dictionary.com.
  54. RUSE. A noun meaning a trick, stratagem or artifice. Is that the word I want?
  55. Seriously, get a room.
  56. Public sex is definitely illegal.
  57. Ugh, I hate couples.
  58. ALL couples.
  59. That’s a good thing about being single. I don’t have to be gross and icky and…
  60. …STOP IT!
  61. Why are there no angry old ladies stopping this?
  62. Like an army of angry old ladies with walking sticks and Zimmer frames packed with automatic flick knives?
  63. Or exploding grannies like in Worms.
  64. Worms was an awesome game…
  65. I am going to KILL THEM.
  66. Also there’s really no need to be THAT into him. I mean he has a mullet, for God’s sake.
  67. This feels like porn.
  68. Perhaps I just spaced out watching porn.
  69. I’m going to pinch myself. Then I will know for…
  70. …OUCH!
  71. And they’re still kissing and touching and possibly procreating.
  72. I hate my life.
  73. It’s fine, because he has a mullet and I never even liked him anyway.
  74. His best friend, however…
  75. …hey, I wonder what happened to his best friend.
  76. I wonder if he’s single.
  77. To Facebook!
  78. Score!
  79. OK, ahem… “Haven’t seen you in ages. Would be sooo good to catch up some time!!! ☺☺☺”
  80. Too many o’s.
  81. Too many exclamation marks.
  82. Too many smiley faces.
  83. What am I? Like twelve?
  84. I’m just going to back away from this possibly disastrous and mortifying situation and…
  85. …well, well, what do we have here?
  86. Oh, so her name is Beatrice?
  87. Beatrice? Like Beatrice Potter?
  88. Oh no, that’s Beatrix.
  89. Beatrice is still a really dumb name, though.
  90. Or possibly a really cool name in disguise.
  91. Oh look, Beatrice saves African children.
  92. Beatrice is a vet.
  93. Beatrice plays lead guitar in a punk band.
  94. Well, Beatrice can suck it.
  95. I am done with Facebook.
  96. Stupid Beatrice, ruining Facebook for me.
  97. And possibly the whole Internet for all I know.
  98. I might be traumatized. I might have PTSD…
  99. Ohmygosh, Beatrice held a MONKEY! Look at the eedy beedy cutey wutey money.
  100. OK, now I want to date Beatrice.
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