1001 Things You MUST Do In Your 20s

By Jeffrey Ellinger

1. Have ten birthdays
2. Turn into a hologram
3. Make love to a rectangle
4. Study the stars
5. Discover which is your closest ancestor
6. Free-hand draw Mystic Pizza-era Julia Roberts
7. And Mystic Pizza-era Vincent D’Onofrio
8. Twerk up the Tiger Leaping Gorge
9. Curate a museum of memes
10. Fall in love with a volleyball player
11. Adopt a tiny violinist
12. Raise him as your own
13. Whisk eggs using an egg beater
14. Shake your breasts at a mailman
15. Dangle your manhood over a canyon
16. Eat a π amount of pie
17. Pray to a ghost to bring you a wife or a husband
18. Smile at the heavens as you pray
19. Collect Mark Driscoll’s ass-sweat
20. Quench the devil’s thirst with it
21. Fill an aboveground pool with your tears
22. Construct a pillow fort
23. Bigger than a real fort
24. Teach a toddler how to walk
25. And to text
26. Keep a houseplant alive
27. Keep yourself alive
28. Write a list of all the things you’ve learned in your twenties
29. At the age of 21
30. Read every novel by Brian Moore
31. Poop on time
32. Start a Christmas carols only boy band
33. Cry along to Puff the Magic Dragon
34. Start a weirder twitter
35. Print this list out
36. Barf on it
37. Propose over social media
38. Memorize the Pentateuch
39. Make brownies using flower
40. Dance on top of skyscrapers
41. Touch God right
42. Use Facebook to catch up with friends
43. Die of self-loathing
44. Submit your songwriting to Thought Catalog
45. Correct someones’ grammar
46. Eat a Whole Foods dragon’s dragonfruit
47. Be with the love of your life
48. For a week or two
49. Submit your novel to McSweeney’s
50. Live in a nursing home when you hear back
51. Take up internet poetry
52. For the money
53. Form a friendship with Beyonce’s aura
54. Cry when it marries a spectral halo
55. Be the best man or woman at their space wedding
56. Disappoint your parents just once
57. Understand the novels of William Gass
58. Feel Brian Wilson’s pain, not the bearded pitcher, the songwriter
59. Get really into hula-hooping
60. Sunburn your buns at Coachella
61. Eat your dreads at Bonarro
62. Bang a gong while getting it on
63. Save the bonobos
64. By joining one of their swinger groups
65. Run with Kevin Costner’s buffalo
66. Get with a shorty with Get Shorty on
67. Marry a Canadian for the milk
68. Lose weight by running in place in your dreams
69. Start a vegan foie gras craze
70. Write about your time adjusting to life after college
71. Promote that work
72. On a chalkboard
73. Read every novel by Richard Yates
74. See Stardust Memories
75. Visit Barcelona
76. Befriend someone in the alt-lit community
77. Shit on their face
78. Call it art
79. Start a dream journal
80. Write in it in your dreams
81. Buy the Kate Upton Cat Daddy swimsuit
82. Use it for floss
83. Follow Ezra Koenig on Twitter
84. Follow him on the street
85. Be creepy for one city block
86. Move to Seattle
87. Start a grunge band with your uncle
88. Take a stand on the Oxford Comma
89. Talk to God and a minnow
90. See which one talks back first
91. Ponder Bergman’s recent silence on God’s silence
92. Move to L.A.
93. Take abstract photographs of buildings
94. Get a CAT scan of your soul
95. Have it checked for glitter
96. Die if there is no glitter
97. Break-up with someone for a reason
98. Tell them it was another reason
99. Form an opinion on Miley Cyrus
100.Try to fit your arms
101. Into Adam Levine’s pants
102. Get outraged by rape culture
103. Solve the problem
104. By watching Netflix after work each night
105. Grow your pubic hair
106. Grow your armpit hair
107. Shave your head
108. Savor your first gray hair
109. Write a novel that is not about yourself
110. Write a better novel that is
111. Tell someone off while holding a kitten
112. Join a dating website
113. Use it with sincerity and gracefulness and be as rare as a leprechaun
114. Cry if someone does not want your flesh on their flesh
115. Die if someone tells you they desire someone else’s flesh
116. Collapse if you catch that flesh flopping on another’s flesh
117. See into the future
118. Make a time machine so you can never do that again
119. Write your first Christmas card
120. Share the highlights of the year
121. Like the number of likes you received
122. And hearts
123. Feel sorry for yourself that you are not David Bowie in his 20s
124. Network with those you hate to get a job you love
125. Tie up your girlfriend or boyfriend
126. Using the knots you learned in Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts
127. Bake a green bean casserole
128. Learn every Steely Dan song
129. On the kazoo
130. Play a MMORPG
131. Into your mid 40s
132. Direct a play about a pile of junk in your front yard
133. Call this art
134. Call every idea you have art
135. Develop an outside jump shot
136. Marry
137. Divorce
138. Stay single
139. Live it up with your friends on the weekends
140. Wake up feeling a great sense of dread and doom that you are alone
141. Use Twitter to validate your life
142. Move to New York City
143. Smell garbage
144. Accidently sit on poop as you travel to work
145. Tell everyone how wonderful New York City is
146. Read every John Berryman poem
147. Remember the last thing he did was jump off a bridge
148. Save a sailor from drowning
149. In pussy
150. Cats
151. Break into the world of comedy
152. Use the money you make in comedy on therapy
153. Start a podcast about the world of comedy
154. Start a podcast about podcasts about the world of comedy
155. Raise free-range chickens that have great range
156. Raise the Phillip Seymour Hoffman of chickens
157. Sell your own eggs
158. Subtweet your grandma
159. Sail the seven seas
160. With “Sail” on repeat
161. Go to OkCupid
162. Have meaningless sex with strangers
163. Blog about that
164. Complain about not being in love
165. Start an art collective
166. Talk about your art collective with other art collectives
167. Have a collective or your life is ruined
168. Work as a waiter or barista
169. Witness humanity
170. See it for what it is
171. Become overwhelmed when you encounter people who are good
172. Resolve to keep trying at what is called life
173. Live by every word Jesus said
174. Gouge out your own eye if you think about someone naked
175. Unmask a luchador
176. Surf with Jandek
177. Give James Salter lessons on blogging
178. Send a picture of your left foot to Quentin Tarantino
179. Then a picture of your right to Rex Ryan
180. Consider your first wrinkle a line of wisdom
181. Fall in love with an older man
182. Call him Jeffrey
183. Do nice things to him
184. End the affair gently
185. Bring back The Faint
186. Ask yourself if The Faint ever even broke up in the first place
187. Prove irreducible complexity
188. Hug your friends who believe in God
189. Tell them they are not alone
190. Do something that is hard
191. Do something that will not give you immediate praise
192. Do something that is better when experienced off the internet
193. Fall in love with Liv Ullmann
194. Watch Cries and Whispers
195. Scenes From a Marriage too
196. Rent a carpet cleaner to receive the full rental deposit
197. Darn your socks
198. Learn what sock darning is
199. Become anxious over something like seeing trash on the ground
200. Accrue a collection of cardigans so you can have more sex
201. Grow a beard so you can have more sex
202. Wear little to no perfume or cologne so you can have more sex
203. Go to TGI Fridays on Friday while listening to “Friday”
204. Marry a policeman for the moustache
205. Unsubscribe from every mailing list
205. Rile up a chill-waver
206. Buy a Magic Wand for your back only
207. Fall for a red-head with a fat ass
208. Fall for no one else
208. Ask Jenny Slate how she is so perfect
209. Eat a McGriddle without dying
210. Braid your neck hair
211. And your shoulder hair of course
211. Discover your first wild chin hair
212. Name it Franklin Dean Chinly III
213. Never cut it
214. Go on a cruise with Franklin Dean Chinly III
215. Transport your drugs in a can that looks like a can of Coke
216. Wonder if the oceans can freeze
217. Propose to Jens Lekman
218. Construct a small plane
219. Propose to Bill Callahan
220. Skype a stranger on purpose
221. Omegle a best friend on accident
222. Write a thousand things you should do on ancient papyrus
223. Put them in a Trapper Keeper
224. Label this “Cool Stuff 2014”
225. Ask the legend E-40 what he was doing with cheesy Drake
226. Houseparent delinquent teens
227. Convert an atheist to Christianity
228. Convert a Jehovah’s Witness to Mormonism
229. Convert a Mormon to Islam
230. Covert a Muslim to Judaism
231. Have sex with a Muslim during Ramadan
232. Using your toes
233. Become terrified of teenagers
234. Work your buns into yoga buns
235. Wear the stretchy yoga pants
236. Feel the bounce
237. Be a god
238. Tell someone your true feelings
239. Erase your worst memory using new technology
240. Watch Eternal Sunshine for 24 hours straight
241. Be Kate Winslet
242. Be Jim Carrey not so much in general but in that movie wow
243. Watch every Jennifer Lawrence internet video and GIF
244. Make a pact with a SuperPac
245. Craft so you no longer have afternoons
246. Have only crafternoons
247. Knit a stocking hat or sweater for someone you feel warmly about
248. Machine a perfectly round hole
249. Shear a piece of 18GA #4 stainless steel
250. Puff out your chest
251. Act tough but be soft underneath
252. Win a brute heart with brute strength
253. Listen to Blink-182’s “Wasting Time” one last time
254. Tell people your favorite writer is Donald Barthelme
255. Know deep down he never will be
256. Buy an assortment of pencil skirts
257. Wear them on first dates to break hearts
258. Do something you shouldn’t have done
259. Make up for it with pizza
260. Get ZAO back together
261. Immortalize Jesse Smith
262. Fuck Stanley Hauerwas
263. Give a nice kiss to a bad man
264. Good a bad kiss to a nice woman
265. Give a great kiss to a great grandpa
266. Eat a sub sandwich with Scottie Pippen
267. Enter the Bachelor to find love
268. Lose your dog named “Love”
269. Save a day with Saves of Day
270. Push it just a little bit
271. Abandon your best friend on New Year’s Eve
272. Because she kissed flesh that you wanted to kiss
273. Friend your girlfriends’ friends on Friendster
274. Come home for Thanksgiving AND Christmas
275. Stare blankly at the person across from you on a first date
276. Wonder what kind of choices you’ve made that have led you to this
277. Think, “Weren’t things supposed to be different?”
278. Think long
279. Have a menage a trois with Mates of State
280. Wear things from Agent Provocateur
281. Consider yourself lucky
282. Date an American Apparel underwear model
283. Get turned on by a Sears ad one last time
284. Bang someone who would have scared you in your teens
285. Smoke a cigarette after like a Parisian or someone from the 80s
286. Invade Spain with no guns
287. Stay there
288. Lounge on sun-kissed beaches
289. Pretzel at night with a beautiful foreigner
291. Fantasize about Fantasia
292. Barrino
293. Evolve from MeInMyPlace to Creative Rehab
294. Discover the difference between good and bad writing
295. Tip yourself for tipping well
296. Be right always
297. Face your shallowest fears
298. Grow a garden because it’s just free food
299. Write a poem
300. About the desert
301. Using ChapStick
302. Decide if your poem is about the desert using ChapStick
303. Or a poem about the desert writing a poem with ChapStick as a pen
300. Heat your house with wood
301. Land creatures’
302. Farts
303. Enroll at the University of Phoenix
304. Drive to Phoenix
305. Look for campus
306. Look for campus
307. Look for campus
308. Look for campus
309. Look for campus
310. Look for campus
311. Wonder where campus is
312. Goal gold ghouls
313. Lose a dry t-shirt contest
314. By winning a wet t-shirt contest
315. Fall for a cute smile
316. Smell like Rihanna
317. Eat as much homemade caramel popcorn as you can
318. Go home when your parents aren’t expecting you
319. Hear your niece’s laugh
320. Be glad to be alive
321. Make a 3-D printer with a 3-D printer
322. Break the universe
323. Get hot enough backhoes want you too
324. See your life flash before your eyes
325. Do the best you can’t
326. Love someone who does not love you
327. Be thankful for taking one breath
328. Visit Jerusalem
329. Visit Cleveland
330. Call them two places with dirt and sky
331. Realize how small you are in comparison to everything
332. Realize how big you are in comparison to everything else
333. Call it a night in the morning
334. Sing along to Sound of Music with someone you like being naked with
335. And give soup and blankets and movies to them when they’re sick
336. Get head while driving
337. Be a big star
338. Plan a Quinceañera when you feel sad
339. Stay in
340. Kiss your dog on the mouth
341. Cry as the ball drops
342. Hope next year is better than the one before
343. Make it through even if it kills you
344. Appreciate John Darnielle
345. Remind yourself of your prurient, self-analytical nature
346. Move to South Dakota
347. Help chisel Crazy Horse
348. Move to North Dakota
349. Immediately move again
350. Go to prison for smoking a flower
352. Appreciate average buns
351. Appreciate great buns
352. Appreciate buns
353. Officiate a wedding by saying “You guys good? Ok let’s go drink.”
354. Get in Guinness Book for pizza eating/wine drinking/Netflix watching
355. Fuck shit up in a nice way
356. Stand up to a bully like you never did when you were younger
357. Cow to someone to keep the balance of things
358. Lose something about yourself you never thought you’d lose
359. Save a dirty pillowcase to remember what they were like
360. Fall in love with that dance trio from “Bubble Butt”
361. Realize the tragedy of the Platonic Ideal
362. In relation to never knowing butts outside the cave
363. Understand that Caitlin Moran is not a bad-ass
364. But Frida Kahlo was
365. Vivian Malone Jones was
366. Understand that, please
367. Determine what planet Paz de la Huerta comes from
368. Make balloon animals that’s just fun
369. Buy a matte mat while mating with your mate
370. Drop it as low as you can
371. Avoid the Noid still in this day and age
372. Interact with Kitty on social media
373. Recite the Hari Krishna at George Harrison’s grave
374. Do ecstasy on sex
375. Do sex on ecstasy
376. Accept a medal with dishonor
377. Take out your journals from junior high
378. And be reminded of James Franco’s writing
379. Walk on the other side of the street to avoid a crow
380. Go topless to a beach in Salt Lake City
381. Be turned on
382. Hustle back on defense
383. Obverse your balls
384. Repair the venga bus
385. Get tattoos
386. Laser off all your tattoos because you won’t always want them
387. Fake an orgasm
388. Do it in the butt
389. Convince your parents butt-stuff will not send anyone to hell
390. Document a heartbreak in an artful way
391. Graph the plot of Memento
392. Have sex in a Bed Bath and Beyond
393. Fly to Sweden for Jens
394. Make a hundred million dollars
395. Give it all to the poor
396. Accept a puck past the blue line
397. Prevent the next civil war
398. Create a stripping playlist with no Bon Jovi or Def Leppard somehow
399. Take it to the limit
400. Play with your own emotions
401. Put your blood-filled flesh inside someone else’s blood-filled flesh
402. Call what results from this experience ‘love’
403. Xerox you buns on Christmas
404. Remember 10 specific things you did in a year
406. Tell someone a sour big lie
407. Gain weight without realizing you are
408. Lose weight so someone would want your flesh inside their flesh
409. Real your way through a fake conversation
410. Lapse your way back into Catholicism
411. Free all non-violent prisoners
412. Except the old white rich criminals
413. Get into video games for a few years
414. Use a flip-phone for one year
415. Arm teenagers in Africa
416. With condoms
417. Mash every gun into a giant bomb
418. Make a big cannon
419. Shoot it all to the moon
420. Pretend to be high
421. Monopolize chest hair
422. Be in awe of someone you love
423. Make it easy for another car to merge
424. Ride your bike somewhere wild
425. Decide how willing you are to reach your dreams
426. Run to your mom for a hug
427. Ask your dad advice on what is happening with your car
428. Blame everything on someone who did nothing wrong
429. Propose a toast at a wedding for two people you know will not last
430. Press your luck without any whammies
431. Start a band as good as Can or better
432. Heat your house with Lincoln Logs
433. Buy stuff
434. Watch it erode over time
435. Fix the stuff with your own hands
436. Play Oregon Trail then read “On the Oregon Trail” by Caitlin Horrocks
437. Dance when 90s R&B comes on always
438. Code to save a bro’s life
439. Switch to boxers
440. Wonder why you ever wore boxers what were you thinking
441. Switch to boxer-briefs
442. Wonder why you ever wore boxer-briefs what were you thinking
443. Switch to colored briefs
444. Wonder why you ever wore colored briefs what were you thinking
445. Switch to whitey-tighties
446. Become your dad
447. Shave your butt hair to make someone happy
448. Read Maeve Brennan
449. Marry your friends with benefits friend
450. Call it a marriage with benefits and benefits
451. Name your children Lake Bell
452. Hang out with Kool A.D.
453. As well as Mac DeMarco
454. Start a religious commune with Haim
455. Go to Red Lobster
456. Free the Cheddar Bay Biscuits
457. Populate the ocean with Cheddar Bay Biscuits
458. Predict how your relationship with God will end
459. Dig a big hole
460. Rig a long cord from your house to the hole
461. Haul a television down into the hole
462. Take a DVD player down into the hole
463. Plug everything in
464. Turn on Holes
465. Wonder where Shia Labeouf went wrong
466. Prove the resurrection of Jesus Christ
467. Watch Breaking the Waves
468. Break off a large hanging icicle for safety
469. Govern protesters protesting the government
470. Start a riot with riot grrrls
471. Admire their black shoes, tasteful cardigans and short bangs
472. Memorize Kathleen Hanna’s face for its perfection
473. And that picture of her with armpit hair, because it is also perfect
474. Harangue a stranger for not networking more
475. Look Minnesota by wearing mittens and a stocking hat and yoga pants
476. Feel California by surfing into a sushi restaurant with Jon Favreau
477. Move to the country
478. Start a goat farm with a Tumblr model
479. Consider your life perfect
480. Mystify your parents with every choice you make
481. Capture a butterfly
482. See what kind of effect it has on Ashton Kutcher
483. Grow an audience for your art
484. Grow a vine to a land of giants using magical beans too may as well
485. Land a triple salchow why not
486. Listen to your neighbors having sex
487. Wonder why your sex is never that loud
488. Remind someone how much 50,000 dollars is
489. Figure out how people do the Mile-High club
490. Fool Ariel Pink
491. Develop a taste for yogurt
492. Listen to “Knuckles”
493. Lecture a group of puppies about being too cute
494. Write an eloquent book about the concept of love
495. Tie your own shoelaces to each other
496. Fall down to cheer up a child
497. Eat as much pho as you can
498. Wave as you pass the ones who hate you for absurd reasons
499. Go outside when it snows gently
500. Make a man of three circles who is made of atoms from the sky
501. Lay hands on someone as a measure of preventive medicine
502. Make life by putting fluid from your flesh pile into another flesh pile
503. Call this new life “Twerk,”
504. If it is a boy, “Selfie”
505. Write a rap song about your life as a privileged son of a movie star
506. Salve the wounds of your childhood
507. Start your own Chautauqua movement
508. Lose your mind up in here
509. Or there
510. Buy every Minutemen album
511. Visit Thailand without looking too privileged
512. Remember how lucky you are
513. Remember how unlucky you are
514. Seduce an older woman
515. Venture into a hollow place
516. Fill the place with a holy sacrament
517. Judge a man by the size of his beard
518. Tug a penis and make it big
519. Feel pride
520. Chop up vegetables for a delicious soup or stew
521. Write down the recipes of these delicious soups or stews
522. Give these recipes of these delicious soups or stews to your friends
523. Know everyone loves delicious soups or stews
524. Waste years with someone you did not belong with in the first place
525. Call this time a learning experience
526. Cope using semantics
527. Listen to Graceland
528. Free every toddler with a tiara
529. Feel wind on your naked body
530. Write a love story between the ash of a cigarette and its remaining butt
531. Write a novel that is not as terrible as every other novel
532. Change the spark plugs in your car it’s just good maintenance
533. Gather eggs from a chicken you raised in your backyard
534. Eat the eggs with slabs of bacon
535. Drink a glass of orange juice with this
536. Go through your day like a goddamn champion
537. Make astute observations about today’s throwaway instant culture
538. Tweet these observations
539. Eat fast food as you do
540. Carve a niche in the world of carving niche items
541. Respect strangers by not calling them buddy
542. Tweet a picture of your butt upside down then send it to M.I.A.’s ex
543. Find the tipping point for pages one can read in a M. Gladwell book
544. Unify a divided fairy nation with the music of Claire Boucher
545. Pave your driveway with good intentions
546. Play Duck Duck Goose with Fiona Apple and two bros
547. Blind yourself to everything upsetting
548. Listen to NPR to solve a problem somehow
549. Play Brandtson’s “Earthquakes and Shakes” it’s pretty good
550. Become a full-fledged hipster with a badge and everything
551. Make your hipster badge at home
552. Disappear
553. Reappear now into magic
554. Drink a margarita on a beach in Mexico
555. With no white people
556. Form a company selling social media validation
557. Make billions
558. And billions
559. Marvel at your evolution as you swim
560. See the Great Barrier Reef before it is gone
561. Save a piece of the last glacier in your freezer
562. Give it to your children
563. Tell them to start over with it like they did in NeverEnding Story
564. Interrupt a professional sport with your naked body
565. Run like an Olympian
566. Nail a broad
567. Shouldered man
568. Dump someone hotter than you
569. Tell them things are just really crazy for you right now
570. Side with true artists who are not dependent on social media
571. Use your old journals as kindling
572. Burn a nostalgic fire
573. Listen to Drake without throwing up
574. Fly a kite with someone who believes kites are magical
575. Wear no pants for one week
576. Make your parents proud
577. Make a video you would not show your parents
578. Let the video leak
579. Break every computer your parents have
580. Ban spiders from your bathtub
581. Make a sign saying “Spiders, For Your Safety, Please Stay Out”
582. Hit on a townie
583. Bring it home for the night
584. Teach them about the Criterion Collection
585. Explain why some Twitter bios are so retching
586. Go outside not knowing when you will come back inside
587. Wave at a rock or an ocean or another thing made of stars
588. Present yourself exactly as you are
589. Fart only when you’re being farted to
590. Start a feminist movement that is not about a woman’s image
591. Wear as many kinds of tights as possible
592. Worry about things out of your control
593. Have a one-night stand where you eat ice cream
594. Stalk an ex on Facebook so much the NSA gets bored
595. Burp loudly and carry a big soda
596. Live alone in an abandoned artist’s workshop
597. Paint your clothes on
598. Eat the gallery night crackers
599. Drink the wine left behind
600. Sew a dress for your boyfriend
601. Make the big sports pass on intramural sports night
602. Avoid an awkward conversation by saying you’re on fire
603. Stay awake all night all week
604. Go back over and over to the same website for love
605. Tell yourself things will be different somehow
606. Teach a dad to dougie
607. Pour a jar of jelly in your belly
608. Drink a bottle of wine every day for your health
609. Consume one steak every day for your health
610. Join the village green preservation society
611. Do something as badass as Pussy Riot
612. Legalize gay in Russia
613. Swim in a pool of guacamole
614. Marry pizza
615. Put up with more than you can handle
616. Drive for a long time with someone you love
617. Make no destination
618. Write a letter to Congress to feel naive again
619. Read a book you don’t understand
620. Find someone who gives the best head
621. Never let them go of course
622. Smack your head against the wall as you wonder why you did
623. Grow roses for the thorns
624. Ride a bus to work
625. Change careers at least three or four times
626. Maybe five or six
627. Confess your sins to someone in a black dress
628. Eat banana beard with warm butter because yum
629. Spread your legs
630. Arch your back
631. Go up and down
632. Make it clap
633. Share a picnic with the ants
634. See the last tigers
635. Wolves
636. And whales
637. Protect the things you find the most precious
638. Shine a bright – flesh – light
639. Read poetry more than tweets
640. Build a cabin with Sebastian Theroux
641. Rise above the shallow grave your generation digs
642. Marry Yolandi
643. Join the army to save old white men’s money
644. Find a Disney movie where both parents live
645. Spank good buns
646. Run a marathon
647. Haha, never do that
648. Make love with someone in the afternoon
649. Then look over at the other person and say, “That was a delight”
650. Make something hard go soft
651. Fire yourself from a job you hate
652. Win at Connect Four by force of will
653. Line dance up to someone’s girl
654. Summarize your existence in one paragraph
655. Put that paragraph on the internet for people to dissect
656. Watch Peep Show
657. Recall “Doing what you hate is the price you pay to avoid loneliness”
658. Rehabilitate a hater
659. Enroll in adult education classes
660. Learn a new skill
661. Try not to be sarcastic
662. Remember that a new skill is valuable
663. Be as romantic as R. Gosling in The Notebook for one night if you dare
664. Make memories that will last into your next life
665. Play a paradiddle
666. Now flam
667. Do devil stuff but be cool be respectful
668. Wring out the goodness from your soul
669. Collect it in a bowl
670. Sell the soul juice on eBay
671. Revisit your old high school
672. Look at the pictures of everyone from the graduating class
673. Wish to go back to the old days…do not do that
674. Watch a sunset like you’ve never watched a sunset
675. Stay by someone’s side
676. Even though you are unsure you should
677. Be rewarded when it turns out okay
678. Be devastated when it turns to ash
679. Bro out in the broshine
680. Take part in a round
681. Sully your reputation as a Godly woman
682. By drinking a glass of wine
683. Internet marry Felicia Day
684. Real life marry Solange Knowles
685. Use Aaron Paul’s beard hairs to cure cancer
686. Solve a problem in a corridor like Will Hunting
687. Work in the service industry
688. Be humble
689. Decide which trees are homeographically irreducible
690. Work for the NSA secretly
691. Work through your guilt
692. Sing like Stephin Merritt in “Papa Was a Rodeo”
693. Invent a new number
694. Be as suave as Marcello Mastroianni
695. Then as smart as Brahmagupta
696. Ban the Catholic Church
697. Start a Crusade to defeat the loud-chewers
698. Decide what is anything and what is nothing
699. Skip everywhere for one day
700. Bake imaginary cookies for a pothead
701. Feel something deeply in your bone
702. Go for a waltz
703. Woo John Woo
704. Freeze a water pipe in your house
705. See it crack
706. Have no water
707. Understand how casually you take for granted a basic ingredient of life
708. Search for a soul-mate
709. High and low
710. Sober and high
711. Skinny-dip with turtles
712. Write slam poetry about slam dunking
713. Decide whether doughnuts or donuts taste better
714. Find a black hole blacker than a YouTube black hole
715. Buy land outside Portland
716. Start a commune
717. Network with other communes
718. Feel congested by how corporate all the communes are becoming
719. Start another commune outside of your other commune
720. Do this until you call communes cities
721. Pick a fight with a Gawker writer
722. Tell them they smell like dirty fish
723. Pick a fight with a Thought Catalog writer
724. Tell them to grow up
725. Pick a fight with a XO Jane writer
726. Tell them they are too sensitive for the internet
727. Punt as bad as Chris Kluwe but stand up for things as well as him
728. Blow a kiss to a good lover in your underwear
729. Fantasize about telling off your boss
730. Say nothing when he or she berates you again
731. Grit your teeth
732. Taste the enamel
733. Get nostalgic for a young Conor Oberst
734. Jump in a puddle for giggles
735. Punch yourself in the face
736. Interrogate a silverfish
737. Ask it how it got so damn creepy
738. See a pile of baby spiders in a pile of hair
739. Unsee things you cannot unsee
740. Skate to one song and one song only
741. “Baby baby” by Amy Grant
742. Motorize a cart
743. Wheel
744. Resurrect the passed on Golden Girls
745. Do a zombie Golden Girls special
746. Acquire the requisite retweets first
747. Ask Boeing about that wall they’re building
748. Give someone what they need at the time they need it
749. Orientate your arms with the sun
750. And show everyone at work what time it is all day long
751. Part your pubic hair down the middle
752. Roll deodorant down your chest for personal hygiene
753. Sprint somewhere but you don’t know where
754. Lie to your family about how you are doing
755. Go sideways 69 with a dark-haired Jewish collagist
756. Who went to AlfredUniversity
757. And is part of a local art collective
758. Be specific about something that will only come back to haunt you
759. Be as self-centered as Marc Maron for one hour
760. Try not to suffocate
761. Fall in love
762. As you clean a oil-soaked endangered bird
763. Not with the bird, with the other person cleaning their bird
764. Bond over the calamity and struggle it endured
765. Put your ear to someone’s heart
766. Hear their history
767. Put your ear to someone’s tummy
768. Hear their ocean
769. Go on a tear of tearing your pants when you bend over
770. Lose that weight
771. Miss the times when you made everyone laugh so much
772. Cherish every tear
773. Punch punch until it talks about the crimes it committed against juice
774. Feed stray cats
775. The band, not random stray cats
776. Propose to Jenny Lewis like everyone else already did
777. Throw a tornado back at the gods to see how they like it
778. Take Exodus literally
779. Learn drugs from your dad like they once did
780. Gather clouds
781. Make a beard made of bubble bath
782. Cry for all the butts you will never touch
783. Submit to the New Yorker cartoon caption contest
784. Inspire someone to give up on their dreams because of your genius
785. Bomb the biggest interview of your life
786. Get up the next day
787. Bomb another one
788. Apply for the next biggest interview of your life
789. Ace it
790. Bring a microphone along
791. Drop it as you walk out of the office
792. Get the job of course
793. Write a poem about Jewel writing poetry
794. Look into the eyes of the Mona Lisa
795. Just appreciate flamingos for one second
796. Or longer than that if you want
797. Pour champagne on real dolphins
798. Pour real pain on sham fins…no don’t fish are cool
799. Hate someone deeply
800. Box out an NBA center
801. Wish you were Neko Case
802. Create an Excel spreadsheet why not
803. Have a same sex relationship with a member of Westboro Baptist
804. Gather up all the barb wire in the world
805. Make a fence around 3701 SW 12th St, Topeka, KS66604
806. Pray for God to do the right thing
807. Leave a bruise someone likes
808. Make a next level rap beat
809. Learn Afrikaans to better understand Blomkamp films
810. Sext the one you are having sex with while having sex with them
811. Show fealty to the mother of dragons
812. Puncture a hole in your least favorite shirt
813. Throw away your least favorite shirt
814. Command control over your wardrobe
815. Wage war against evil veiled as good
816. Make peace with good veiled as evil
817. Give thanks to have fresh bowls of water to poop in
818. Pass a bill to replace all guns with pillows
819. Move in with M.C. Hammer
820. Sew his pants with industrial thread
821. Because his pants are made of hammers
822. Whip someone into shape for better shape-shifting
823. Listen to Usher’s “Climax” while climaxing
824. Want someone because of how God formed their baby food sacks
825. Try to understand if Alex Morgan is real because what?
826. Get in a Twitter war with Blake Butler
827. Wonder if Emily Gould enjoyed being in Home Alone
828. Read what Megan Boyle has written for Thought Catalog
829. Light a candle for the memory of Brad and Jen
830. Eat soy
831. Grow large hairy breasts
832. Wander in the dark until it becomes light
833. Unfollow writers who write about their feelings
834. Make a piece of art that is not boring
835. Encourage your partner to change everything about themselves
836. So you can stand being around them
837. Rectify every wrong ever committed against a large corporation
838. Do something else after zero seconds is over
838. Suck a red lollipop as you stroll down a busy street reading Lolita
839. Miss someone far too much
840. Repeat the same mistake over and over and over and
841. And over and over and over and over and over and over
842. And over and over and over and over and over and over
843. And over and over and over and over and over and over
844. Go do something else
845. Rise to the sound of a crowing rooster
846. Milk a cow
847. Pitch hay
848. Butcher pigs
849. Plow land
850. Praise the Lord for a fruitful harvest
851. Watch films like Sherman’s March and The Fountain
852. Read novels like Temptation of Eileen Hughes, Young Hearts Crying
853. Listen to songs like “Kiss My Name” and “Sliding Down The Pole”
854. Remember that hating on Dave Matthews Band is clichéd
855. Dance in the same places as they did in the Girl Walk video
856. Curl into a ball
857. Only sleep
858. Be unable to eat
859. Because someone said they did not want your presence in their life
860. Stay the fuck off of Twitter
861. Walk half thousand miles
862. With the Proclaimers
863. Twice
864. Read Atlas Shrugged
865. Be insufferable for a few months
866. Dress up as that woman from the Tigermilk cover for Halloween
867. Sign into your old MySpace account
868. Find out where your top 8 are now
869. Send them each a letter
870. Rekindle the old glory
871. Patch the glory holes
872. Find the unedited version of the video for “Toe Jam”
873. Because wow
874. Bring Jason Molina back
875. Heal his pain
876. Enlighten a carnivore by lecturing them like a mega-church pastor
877. Start a corporate kale farm
878. Buy sharp scissors
879. Cut out the stars
880. Make a cool collage
881. Imitate an internet list about love imitating art imitating life
882. Call this new creation garbage
883. Love your garbage like only you could
884. Learn about sports
885. For Cassidy Hubbarth
886. Underestimate your abilities
887. Ask your parents for help
888. Move in with someone for the money they save you
889. Not the love they give you
890. Impregnate someone to save your relationship
891. Think of that when you see the life you brought into the world
892. Start an art school with Gesaffelstein
893. Drink out of a coconut on a tropical island in a skimpy swimsuit
894. Visit the MoMA
895. Pee everywhere but in the bathrooms
896. Throw your best granny panties on stage at a Strokes reunion show
897. Demand Donald Trump show us his hair papers
898. Psychoanalyze Amanda Knox
899. Adopt Soon-Yi
900. Crack the Hoover Dam
901. Go on an inner tube ride down the water it releases
902. Popularize the phrase “Get dick get money”
903. Recognize your name after you’ve written it on a credit card swipe
904. Vibrate
905. Pop and lock your territory
906. Call Mike Jones
907. See if he’s okay
908. Surf with the orcas off of the San Juans with Phil Elverum
909. Lose a phone number you could not afford to lose
910. Fire your boss from your subconscious
911. Remember useless stuff
912. Hold a newborn newt
913. Remember when you were like that
914. Like a newt
915. Not a newborn
916. Make the Moscow Mule your go-to drink
917. Drink it out of one of those brass cups with the handle
918. Have elaborate daydreams about what you will do with your life
919. Do something you will be proud of when you are in your 50s
920. And 60s
921. And 70s
922. Think about what you will be like when you are 80
921. And 90
922. And 100
923. Play that first Timbaland solo album at parties
924. Give yourself a diva name
925. Live as the one with your diva name would
926. Live a full day like Ariel would
927. Name each new fold of tummy fat
928. Steal Tom Brady from Bill Belichick
929. Then Belichick from Gisele
930. Listen to Angel Dust
931. Comb Mike Patton’s vocal cords
932. Do something half as good as “Int’l Player’s Anthem (I Choose You)”
933. Eat a package of grilled brats and a case of cold beers in summer
934. Sing karaoke in front of the Yakuza
935. Give up like D.F. Wallace
936. Use the internet like Jonathan Franzen
937. Like it is possessed by the Devil
938. Write like Richard Yates or Brian Moore or Kenzaburō Ōe
939. Like Maeve Brennan or Gina Berriault or Willa Cather
940. Have an orgy with the Relient K
941. And their ex-wives
942. Make up someone else’s mind
943. Re: their ice cream consumption
944. Attend a wedding that is like a fairy tale
945. Resolve to yourself to only marry in a courthouse
946. Do it in the butt
947. Er dish
948. Area of the fridge
949. Pray to Jesus, the maker of the universe and your sex drive, and toads
950. Love a thick woman
951. And a thicker man
952. Teach him a language or something
953. Stress out over something you have no control over
954. Worry you are pregnant
955. Though you used protection
956. Worry more that you are pregnant
957. Because you did not
958. Have a fall out with Fall Out Boy
959. Disguise your best intentions as better actions
960. Sanctify the ground your crush walks on
961. Bemoan the better ways you could be spending your time
962. Praise God for His countenance with Count Chocula
963. But not with Daniel Tosh or George Zimmerman
964. Sing the blues in Chicago with Bill Murray
965. Resolve the beef between Lil’ Wayne and Clipse
966. Open the lines of trade between Cuba and the U.S.
967. Decipher in which quadrant the g’s have propped up their subterfuge
968. Settle for an average person to placate your family
969. Challenge Michael Phelps to a douche-off
970. Fall for someone who is far too attractive to be seen with you
971. Buy a nice wristwatch to keep time of your twenties which remain
972. Side with good
973. Support local causes and businesses
974. Get involved with your city government
975. Vote
976. Even if it does not matter
977. Get nice sunglasses
978. Keep them in one of those snappy cases
979. Support true artists
980. Forget fake ones
981. Do not call them back
982. Eat foods that come from healthy free animals
983. Or the ground near where you live
984. Marry a large-bottomed woman who likes early Woody Allen films
985. Or a gnarly-beared man who can make a good soup
986. And can lift you
987. Forget superstition
988. Use kindness as your religion
989. Enjoy music
990. Create lovely things
991. Be outspoken about things you are passionate about
992. Quit if you dislike your job
993. But still work
994. Have a great passion for something
995. But do not forget about money, because you need to eat
996. Be a great lover for at least one person
997. Talk to them about what they like
998. And listen to Brightblack Morning Light
999. Love tremendously
1000. Do not give up
1001. Live