11 Beauty Resolutions For 2014 (Because They’re Easier To Keep)

It’s the dawn of 2014! That means I will make an exhaustive list of all the things I’d like to change about myself, dwell on them for about two weeks and then forget about them.

In the past, my resolution has been to become the “perfect woman,” which in my interpretation means I have a super-tight ass, can cook at least three meals for dinner guests and wear a Chanel perfume that suits me perfectly. I realize this sounds a little anti-feminist, but it’s just the list I made, OK? Those were my concerns at the time. Last year, I accomplished exactly one of these. (Hint hint: It’s the Chanel perfume. I just can’t feign interest in cooking.)

This year, I decided it would be way more fun to make beauty resolutions! So that’s what I’ve done. I want to know what yours are, so tweet them at me (@myfakeyelashes) or leave them in the comments. Beauty resolutions don’t seem so ~*serious*~ and unattainable. And if I look good, I feel good. It’s as simple as that. I get more done when I have a fancy face mask and pretty pajamas on than I do schlepping around in bleached-out yoga pants and my 2005-prescription glasses.

1. Put some pink in my hair. A teeny bit of pink dye somewhere on my head always makes me feel so much happier. I want to have a cotton candy head.

2. Get a super tight ass. Well, this one gets to stay from last year’s list. I read somewhere that Kim Kardashian does 100 squats a day, so I should try that. Or maybe I should do that dumb “squat challenge” that goes around Pinterest every few weeks? Either way, my ass could use a revamp.

3. Get rid of my scars. I have terrible acne scarring under all this makeup, and nothing works to get rid of it. Not even those fancy $400 peels. I’m going to get rid of these fuckers this year if it’s the last thing I do.

4. Exercise. Obviously this goes with #2, but goddamn do I hate exercising. I had a gym membership for approximately 2 months last year and I went all of two times. I hate it. I get bored during yoga, my ex-cheerleader ankles and knees are too worn out from being dropped from stunts and jumps to run properly. I would rather be doing almost anything other than exercising, seriously. Why can’t there be like “the bath program” where you lose a bunch of weight and get toned just by sitting in a hot bath for two hours? I would look amazing if that was real. But I digress. I am going to make a serious effort to do at least 20 minutes of SOMETHING every day. I am pretty confident in how I look but it wouldn’t hurt to have tighter arms and a slightly smaller waist. But I do NOT want a thigh gap. In my extensive research, I have found that men like thighs. And so do I! Because my Norwegian thighs aren’t going anywhere. And as Elle Woods says, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make people happy! And happy people don’t kill their husbands.” I might not be married, but I could definitely stand to be happier.

5. Buy kale in bulk. I really do feel better when I have a green smoothie every day. I generally think things like that are schlock but drinking my veggies is preferable to choking them down. I seriously gag down a salad.

6. Give away more of my beauty products. As a beauty writer, I get a good deal of product for free. I have hoarding tendencies when it comes to my beauty stuff, but to be honest I rarely use most of it. It makes people so happy when I bring them a little beauty gift, so I need to do that more often. I like making other people happy, and sometimes just a new body wash makes them smile.

7. Take care of my hair. Considering it’s currently platinum blonde, it’s also mad damaged. But I love the color, so I have to make some changes. This means no heat styling and lots of coconut oil. If I want to have shiny unicorn hair, I have to take care of it. Maybe I should keep taking vitamins, even if they make me vomit.

8. Get my brows done regularly. I refuse to maintain my own brows. I can bleach my own roots, do my own chemical peels, etc., but damned if I can pick up a tweezer. Nicely groomed brows make me feel so good about myself! Why don’t I get them done more often?

9. Grow out my stupid bangs. Never cut bangs again. Seriously. Keep this one in the beauty resolutions book every year, Kara, because once winter comes around you’re all like, OMG let’s cut boredom bangs!

10. Stop fucking with my nails. It is SO HARD to stop biting your nails. It’s the hardest thing ever. I have this awful compulsion to keep my hands in my mouth all the time, which is so disgusting. I have got to stop. I do better with my imPRESS Salon Manicure nails pressed over my stupid natural ones, but I’d like to grow long talons of my own.

11. Eat better. You are what you eat? Then I’m white cheddar popcorn.