11 Signs You’re Watching Too Much “Food Network”

1. You can scan the groceries of the person in front of you and know exactly which Pioneer Woman was on this morning.

2. Instead of sending traditional invites for a dinner party, you issue guests a “one-way ticket to Flavortown.”

3. Anytime someone asks what you want to watch, it’s immediately followed by “NOT Food Network.”

4. You’re constantly practicing flavor combinations in your head, just in case Choppedever calls. You know exactly what you’d do with Kalamata olives, candy canes, and a pint of your own blood. And cumin. (Paté?)

5. You can recall at least one time that a segment of “The Best Thing I Ever Ate” crossed the line into straight-up pornographic.

6. Buying anything readymade, whether it be pasta sauce or chocolate chip cookies, fills you with shame. Even using dried herbs gives you visions of being judged by Anne Burrell’s hair.

7. If the world ever wants to know what happened to Joey Fatone, you know exactly where they can find him.

8. You can appreciate Giada’s legitimate Italian, but still sometimes wish she would just say “mozzarella” like the rest of us.

9. When you cook at home, your mise en place game is unrivaled. It’s all about the spice ramekins.

10. You know never to doubt an Ina Garten recipe. Never.

11. Regardless of your own skill level, watching “Food Network” always gives you confidence that you can make anything. Herb-crusted prime rib? Lobster tacos? Delicate hollandaise? Please. Throw on Farmhouse Rules and let’s do this thing.