Now that Thanksgiving is officially over, I can finally start talking about all the things that I am most certainly not thankful for.

1. Post Binge Guilt

I’m a human, am I not? Sometimes we binge four consecutive days in a row. I just wish I didn’t hate myself so much for it. So I’m not thankful for feeling disgusted with myself and what I’ve eaten over the last few days.

2. Work

I should be thankful that I have a job and I can make money to buy myself nice useless things on black Friday, but… do I really have to go, like, every day?

3. Citations

I got pulled over the day before Thanksgiving. I’m not thankful.

4. My Lack of Self-Control

I am currently loathing myself over all the food I’ve eaten.

5. My Perpetual Singlehood

It’s nice to be able to spend my Saturday nights inside, alone, nowhere to go, no one to spend them with, no one to talk to, no one to snuggle with, no one to vent to, no one to connect with. It’s great. It’s really fantastic.

6. Debt

America, the land of opportunity. The only place in the world where you can acquire a fulsome amount of debt before you can legally drink.

7. The Obligatory “We Should Hangout Sometime” Conversations

Whenever I come home for Thanksgiving, I normally run into old high school acquaintances from time to time. I just wish that we didn’t end our conversations with broken promises of get togethers that we both know neither of us will make an effort to initiate.

8. The Cold

What’s that about? The seasons change, and just when I’m getting comfortable with the warm weather, all of a sudden it’s cold. And this happens every friggin year.

9. My High Expectations of Life

I can say with confidence that all the things I looked forward to in adulthood have been unexpectedly disappointing. I should’ve seen it coming, but I didn’t.

10. Destitution

For once in my life, I don’t think this is too much to ask you, but for once in my life, I would love to buy lunch without having to declare bankruptcy every single time.

11. 2018

I should be thankful I’m around for another year but with another year comes 365 more opportunities to fuck up my life even more.