11 Things That Are Good In Theory, But Not In Practice


1. Movie Marathons

Theory: Sitting around for 12 hours watching every Lord of The Rings Movie with lots of popcorn and movie snacks, reliving the amazingness that is Gandalf.

Reality: You probably made it through one and a half movies, gave up and spent the next two hours thought cataloging. 

2. Having a pet

Theory: You’ll have a cute pet that will love you more than anyone else that will always be there for your company. 

Reality: Your mum might have picked up little Spot’s poop when you were ten but she sure as hell isn’t coming over to your apartment now to do it.

3. Novelty Amounts of Food

Theory: You haven’t consumed anything for 24 hours in preparation for this event. You’re totally going to conquer this mountain of food and it. will. be. LEGENDARY.

Reality: You haven’t consumed anything for 24 hours in preparation for this event. You have eaten one-tenth of the food you intended and you are definitely not going to work tomorrow because of the giant food baby that is living inside of you.  

4. Turning  a book into a movie

Theory: You’re favourite book is going to be immortalised in a film and you can connect with the characters even more. It will be just like reading the books for the first time

Reality: Sure, it made a tonne of money, but it sucked and was generally disappointing in comparison. 

5. Zombie Apocalypse

Theory: You and your bestie are going to be crushing some zombie skulls and living a natural life on the road. You guys are going to have lots of crazy adventures and you’ll be prepared because of years of stocking up for the inevitable.

Reality: Day 1- You’re dead. 

6. New Year’s Resolutions

Theory: It’s a perfect time for a fresh start, a new slate. This year is going to be the year of change. You’re going to make it into a stupid women’s magazine and on the cover it will say, “How I changed my life forever last New Year’s”.

Reality: It’s February and you can’t even remember what your resolution was. Seriously, have you ever met a person who has followed through with their resolution? 

7. Showing friends funny videos

Theory: “Oh my god Roxxanne, that was the best video I’ve ever seen. HAHAHAHAHAH!”

Reality: “When does it get funny?”

8. Fancy food

Theory: Fancy-arse organic, gluten-free quinoa and chia seed balls that are so delicious.

Reality: It tastes disgusting and it cost you $50 for one person

9. Painting Your Nails

Theory: Perfectly painted nails that everyone will comment on with jealousy in their voice.

Reality: Unless you’re willing to sit for 2 hours doing absolutely nothing, not touching a god damn, single thing then your nails are definitely smudged

10. Learning a language online

Theory: You’re in Paris speaking alright French and all those good looking French people can’t believe you taught yourself.

Reality: You’ve conquered Bonjour, le pain and jaune but can’t construct a coherent sentence

11. Communism

Just saying.