11 Things You Can Do With Your Bills Besides Opening Them


I see my mailbox get fuller and fuller every day and yet I still can’t seem to figure out what to do with these elusive “bills.” How do I even know they are what they say they are? Paper mail is so outdated, how do I know I can even trust it? The answer is I don’t. I simply cannot and probably will never become comfortable with handling these dubious “statements.” Which has invariably forced me to find other, more creative ways to put these alleged “bills” to use.

1. Use it as a mini dust pan.

We have brooms for the floor – why shouldn’t we have them for tables, countertops and desks? And yet we don’t, which is where bills come in. The right angle of the envelope is what makes it particularly conducive for scraping surfaces clean.

2. Fan yourself.

Fans might be unnecessary now, but come summertime you’ll thank me for persuading you to leave your bills untouched.

3. To clean your nails.

The corners of bills are narrow little guys, without being too pointy, making them the perfect shape and durability for cleaning out those hard-to-reach dirty clumps deep under your nails.

4. Tracing.

You never really appreciate the power of a good, clean line until you draw one. “But, what might I need to trace?” you’re probably asking yourself. And the answer is meticulously detailed nail art.

5. To smack someone.

I’ve slapped a guy across the face once in my life. He deserved it, and it sure felt empowering, but it left my hand with this icky stinging sensation. It was a nuisance and frankly took away from the fun. If only I had been as smart then as I am now, I would’ve reached for one of my many unopened bills lying around and slapped him with that instead. It’s bad-ass, and there’s that slight, but ever-so-hopeful chance that the dusty envelope might give them adult acne too.

6. To paint your nails over.

It should go without saying that, inherent to avoiding one’s bills, is a strong desire to obliterate all banks and their tyrannical practices. The benefits of painting your nails over bills are twofold: You won’t get nail polish on your Ikea table, while there’s a good chance you might get some nail polish on the bill — thus vandalizing it.

7. Stare at them incredulously.

A go-to for me, staring at them incredulously will ultimately make you feel better — it’s as if you have something legitimate to feel indignant about, when in reality you don’t. And the best part? They can’t talk back. Which means you win.

8. Collect the unopened bills and pile them up.

Eventually you’ll have so many that you can fashion them into fort — something that will doubtless come in handy when the IRS comes to your home with a warrant out for your arrest.

9. Use it as a fly swatter.

I like flies in my home just about as much as I like bills in my home. A major plus of swatting flies with your sealed bill is that you might unthinkingly throw it into the trash afterwards, just out of pure instinct. And who doesn’t like a bill better when it’s out of sight, sitting in the garbage?

10. Flatten out icing on a cake.

Avoiding bills means you’ll eventually resort to gratuitous activities with your time, things that you’d only resort to in a pathetic effort to distract yourself from your dire, real, and present concerns. Once you’ve watched every TV show available on Netflix, you’ll inevitably resort to baking cakes. It’s a good life, but just make sure not to forget the people and things that got you there — namely your unopened bills, which are actually great for smoothing out the icing on a cake.

11. Use it as a coffee cup sleeve.

Got hot coffee? Grab your bill and wrap it around your cup like a makeshift sleeve! Doing this will increase the likelihood that coffee will spill onto your bill, thereby rendering it entirely useless! Just think of the possibilities!