11 Tips On Surviving A Trip To Walmart


1. Don’t look anyone in the eye. Just trust me on this one.

2. Don’t dress to impress. Seriously, wearing sweatpants is sometimes taking things too far. If you dress even remotely nice, you will single yourself out. (Also, wearing a blue shirt is never a good idea.

3. Always use self-checkouts. Follow this rule religiously; unless you buy produce, in which case you get to be one of the lucky ones who get to wait in line for at least 20 minutes in one of their three open checkout lanes.

4. Go in expecting to contract something. Whether it’s stupidity or a disease, you will walk away with something. This goes hand-in-hand with never using their carts or baskets. If you can’t carry everything you need, you probably don’t need it that bad.

5. Expect culture shock. Think your town/city doesn’t have ‘culture’? Spend ten minutes at your local Walmart and you’ll change your mind. Where do these people come from? But really, where do they live/work/socialize? I’m moving to Philadelphia at the end of the year and to prepare myself for culture shock, I’m going to force myself to spend an hour a week in my local Walmart. Which leads me to my next tip:

6. Spend a maximum of 15 minutes in any given Walmart at any given time.

7. Make sure all your personal belongings are securely attached to your body or in your sight at all times. I’m casting judgments, but I have a better chance at being mugged at Walmart than I do walking by myself in a dark alley in the middle of the night.

8. If there’s someone changing a baby in the bed of a pickup truck in the parking lot, don’t be alarmed. This is completely normal. In fact, be worried if you don’t see this happening.

9. Have low expectations for the human race, because no matter how low they are, you’ll be disappointed in society after some of the things you’ll witness while in Walmart.

10. Don’t go to Walmart by yourself if you are female. You will – I REPEAT – you will get creeped on. Whether it’s by another customer, an employee, or by a couple guys filling the Coke display, it will happen. Go in with an army, or at the very least, a bodyguard.

11. Just do yourself a favor and don’t go to Walmart.