11 Updates To ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ (If It Were Made In 2014)

1.

1946 Version: Harry Bailey goes sledding with his brother George’s friends. He breaks through the ice and into the water, struggling to remain afloat.

George dives in and saves his little brother — a heroic gesture that cost him the hearing in his left ear.

2014 Version: Harry Bailey loiters with George’s friends, who all complain about how “lame and terrible” Bedford Falls is. While texting George (who is presently with him) about how boring his friends are, he falls into a body of water.

George dives in an saves his brother, but makes sure to set aside his sparkly new iPhone 6 before diving in. George does not lose the hearing in his ear, due to good-old WebMD.

2.

1946 Version: Mr. Gower, the drug store owner, asks young George to deliver medicine. Preoccupied with his son’s recent influenza death, he accidentally gives George a parcel of poison. George, realizing what has happened, smartly doesn’t deliver the package.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOtRSlxMgac&w=1280&h=720]

When Mr. Gower chews him out (and hits him) for not doing his job, George reveals that Mr. Gower accidentally gave him poison. Mr. Gower embraces George, forever thankful for catching what could’ve been a horrible mistake. George promises not to tell anyone.

2014 Version: Mr. Gower, CEO of a Delivery.com for health supplies, calls upon a young George to deliver medicine. He’s preoccupied (upon hearing that his son lives 5 miles away from someone diagnosed with Ebola), and doesn’t realize he’s accidentally given George poison.

George, realizing what has happened, smartly doesn’t deliver the package. When Mr. Gower chews him out for not doing his job (in the 2014 version, he does not hit him), George reveals that Mr. Gower accidentally gave him poison.

Mr. Gower embraces George, forever thankful for catching what could’ve been a horrible mistake. George promises not to tell anyone.

Alas, someone was filming the entire exchange, posted it online, and it quickly went viral — immediately causing a national public outrage. Mr. Gower is forced to resign from his position, and live out his remaining years as “the almost poison guy.”

3.

1946 Version: George goes to his brother Harry’s graduation party, where he meets his future wife Mary. The budding lovebirds participate in a Charleston Contest, and are so enthralled with each other they don’t realize the floor opening up to reveal the pool below. They fall into the pool, causing everyone in the party to follow suit. For everyone at the party, this is one of the most memorable moments of their lives.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rha-6qG4OQ&w=1280&h=720]

2014 Version: George goes to his brother Harry’s graduation party, pretending not to be interested in Mary even though he’s creepily looked at all of her online pictures multiple times in the past few days. The two don’t say much to each other, but reluctantly participate in a dance contest — the number they choose is the tried and true classic ‘Gangnam Style.’

They fall in love whilst dominating the competition, so enthralled with the external validation they’re receiving that they don’t realize the floor opening up to reveal the pool below. They fall into the pool, causing everyone in the party to follow suit. For everyone at the party, this is one of the most memorable moments of their lives.

Several months later, a concerned parent files a lawsuit against the school, alleging that the school’s blatant disregard for safety caused her son to sprain his ankle. Bedford Falls High School now holds their graduation parties at a Marriott.

4.

1946 Version: After his father’s untimely death, George attends a meeting to appoint a successor to his late father’s Building and Loan Company. Potter argues that the company should be dissolved. After George rattles off a heartfelt speech against the greedy Potter, the Board tells George the company will stay open, but only if he runs it. George reluctantly agrees, and cancels his plans to travel the world.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4ne13Zft9Q&w=960&h=720]

2014 Version: After his father’s untimely death, George attends a teleconference (powered by Cisco) to appoint a successor to his late father’s Building and Loan company. Potter spends the first 5-7 minutes asking if everyone can hear him. Some people can, and others are “still pretty spotty.”

After George rattles off a heartfelt speech against the greedy Potter, the Board tells George that his speech was “truly inspiring,” and “Important.” Alas, the company informs George that it will close. One of the board members goes on an unprovoked tirade about the cost of tuition at Lehigh University.

Torn, George proceeds to start a GoFundMe, which is then discovered by a blog editor, who spins the story into something a lot more positive and emotionally triggering than it truly is. Some notable people with money to throw around see this cause as a good way to offset the bad press they’ve been getting lately, and help keep the Building and Loan afloat.

5.

1946 Version: Harry returns to Bedford Falls with his new wife. Harry informs George that his wife’s father has offered him a good job, so he won’t be able to take George’s place at the Building and Loan.

2014 Version: Harry returns to Bedford Falls with his new girlfriend, who everyone in Bedford Falls already knows due to her obnoxious instagram account. Harry informs George that his bae’s father has offered him a good job, so he won’t be able to take George’s place at the Building and Loan. The job pays a lot of money, but is despised by the rest of society.

6.

1946 Version: George and Mary get married. They have plans to travel to New York City and Bermuda, but those plans are heartbreakingly interrupted by a bank run, which threatens the existence of the Building and Loan.

George is forced to stay behind and weather the storm — and must use the money from the Honeymoon to keep the business alive.

2014 Version: George and Mary get married. They have plans to travel to New York City (but not Times Square, gross) and Austin, Texas (it’s so cool…and liberal!), but those plans are heartbreakingly interrupted by a ‘brazen’ cyberattack on the Building and Loan.

George is forced to stay behind and weather the storm. A few of his emails are leaked, embarrassingly revealing that his favorite movie is the Adam Sandler vehicle Jack & Jill.

7.

1946 Version: WWII occurred, but George was forced to stay behind due to his ear. All of his friends were recognized for their bravery and heroism, including his brother Harry, who was awarded the Medal of Honor.

2014 Version: Comic-Con occurred, but George was forced to stay behind because he didn’t know the origin story of Ant Man. All of his friends met some pretty big-time celebrities. Harry snagged a picture with Morgan Freeman and Robert Downey Jr., which garnered over 350 likes.

8.

1946 Version: On Christmas Eve, Uncle Billy goes to the bank to deposit an $8000 check, which gets lost in a newspaper, which is un-serendipitously picked up by Mr. Potter. Potter pockets the check and wheels out.

2014 Version: On Christmas Eve, Uncle Billy goes to the bank to deposit an $8000 check. He puts down the check and goes to the bathroom, having eaten way too many McRibs.

Potter discovers the check, though it takes him a split second to realize what it is, given that he’s been banking online for years. He wonders if $8K is enough to buy a new rug.

9.

1946 Version: George, furious with Uncle Billy for losing the check, goes to Mr. Potter to beg him for a loan. Potter denies him, saying that “he’s worth more dead than alive.”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vt–fTNNJ0w&w=1280&h=720]

2014 Version: George, furious with Uncle Billy, posts a quote from Reservoir Dogs on his Facebook profile. He then sends a long text to Mr. Potter, asking him for a loan.

Mr. Potter doesn’t respond for 8 hours, then sends a  lone poop emoji.

10.

1946 Version: George is saved by Clarence, the angel who was sent down on earth to help him realize the joys of being alive. He takes him around Bedford Falls, illustrating how different the town would be if it weren’t for his little acts of heroism. George realizes how wonderful it is to be alive.

2014 Version: George is saved by Clarence, the angel who was sent down on earth to help him realize the joys of being alive. After Clarence spends five minutes ranting to George about dubstep (we made it up at a joke! it wasn’t supposed to actually be a thing!!), he takes him around Bedford Falls, illustrating how different the town would be if it weren’t for his little acts of heroism.

It takes George a moment or two longer to recognize that people are treating him differently, just because they are always initially texting or taking artsy pictures of sewers. George realizes how wonderful it is to be alive, and realizes this is the longest he’s gone without his phone in years.

11.

1946 Version: George triumphantly returns home, sings Christmas Carols with his children and his loving wife, and reaps the benefits of love and genuine friendship. Because he’s always been there for everyone else, everyone is there for him and his family in his time of need. It’s a beautiful ending, and everyone watching begins to cry tears of unrestrained joy.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfUV-F9jFro&w=1280&h=720]

2014 Version: George triumphantly returns home, sings Christmas Carols with his children and his loving wife, but doesn’t sing with unrequited passion because he’s one of those guys who generally only sings things ironically. (Since all his friends are there, he’s terrified of one of them calling him out.)

He reaps the benefits of love and genuine friendship — because he’s always been there for everyone else, everyone is there for him so they can post about their good deed online. His friends with a lot of money make non-anonymous-anonymous donations.

Everyone sings together, united by the Christmas Spirit and their undying love for Chipotle. Everyone is pretty impressed that the collective momentum for Chipotle is still this strong; the company’s been around for awhile, and you’d think there’d be some major backlash by now. Alas, nobody can deny the allure of a sizeable, tasty, and reasonably priced burrito.