12 Clickbait Headlines I’d Love To See In My Newsfeed (But Never Will)

1. Six exercises you’d be doing wrong if you actually got up and exercised.

Most people are potentially harming themselves with their poor technique on these 6 key exercises. You’re fine, though, since the only weightlifting you do is when you hoist your fat ass off the couch to scrounge up more Cheetos.

2. Watch this crystal clear, hi-def video footage of Sasquatch.

Astounding 5-minute sequence shows the mysterious creature as plain as day, confirming his existence once and for all. Bigfoot hunters are skeptical, however. “It’s not nearly grainy, shaky or blurry enough to be the real deal,” commented one.

3. Amazing miracle diet program helps you lose hundreds of dollars!

This incredible plan can shrink your bank account in just 2 weeks!

4. Baby elephant video sparks outrage for not being outrageous enough.

Folks have taken to social media to express their disappointment in the innocuous clip of a baby elephant at an unnamed zoo. “It’s just 45 seconds of him walking around. WTF? I was expecting some sort of animal cruelty angle, or maybe silly, like showing him painting, playing poker or pooping on someone,” wrote one shocked blogger.

5. Is your obsession with taking and sharing the results of stupid online quizzes ruining your social life and alienating your Facebook friends?

Take this quiz to find out!

6. Internet to stop allowing uploads of cat videos.

“Enough is enough,” says one YouTube employee. “How many more cute and grumpy and kooky kitty-cats do we need?” BuzzFeed, Reddit, Huff Post and all other major media providers are behind this initiative. New focus to be on “precocious wombats.”

7. Man takes selfie everyday for 8 months and the results are as mundane as you would expect.

A 43-year-old bus driver from Decatur took a picture of himself everyday before work from September 2013 to April 2014. Viewing the series of 243 banal photos is right up there with getting a root canal.

8. Thousands of hot, young Russian girls have no desire to date you!

And even if they did, this stock photo of a smoking hot model is not representative of the homely women we’d hook you up with.

9. Ten healthy, mouthwatering recipes that require way too much time and effort.

You probably don’t have any jicama on hand anyway. Not to mention all the pots and pans that will have to be cleaned. Screw it, just order a pizza.

10. How to get 0% interest from your bank!

Just ask them to stop hosing you, and beg for a reduction to the 18% rate they’re charging you for purchases. They’ll have zero interest in doing that for you. Guaranteed!

11. Teen’s embarrassing prom photo will make him a laughing stock and haunt him for years, but that won’t stop us from exploiting it for ad revenue.

Join in the worldwide mass humiliation of this poor schmuck by sharing it now!

12. Studies show the average person wastes 2.6 hours a day reading worthless internet stories.

You just lost another precious few minutes right now.