12 Hilarious Emails From My Mom


Since my parents’ divorce, my mom sends me emails most mornings, updating me on her life, thoughts, and online dating. Here are 12 of my favorites.

Regarding Beauty

“Even though he is a nice person and certainly not repulsive-looking, he is not remotely attractive to me. He doesn’t have an attractive AURA if that makes sense.”

Regarding Practical Jokes

“I was thinking that it would be funny to go to a dog park with a ‘pretend’ dog. You could yell at the pretend dog to get back, pick up its pretend poop, etc. Or you could go to the dog park after your dog passed away and then cry every time you see a dog that looks like or reminds you of your deceased dog.”

Regarding Online Dating

“Just wanted to let you know that ROCKERLIPS & FUNROB47 ‘liked’ my photo & sent me a message.  Which one would you rather have as your new dad?”

Regarding Online Dating Pt. 2

“Today, your Dad was included in the ‘matches’ for me. I looked but there’s only a Yes, No, and Maybe selection, but no HELL NO! selection.”

Regarding Online Dating Pt. 3

“I got a message today from a very Greek looking older guy who wrote, “I not on site on your birthday, have good birthday.” I’m going to say ‘No’ to that one I think.

Regarding Online Dating Pt. 4

“I just got ‘liked’ by a guy with the online name 68bigpapa. The pets he lists are: cats, rabbits, and ‘other’. Cats may be okay, but rabbits and OTHER? No. No. No. The other is probably something like a snake or ferrett. (not sure how to spell ferrett because I don’t care to learn how to spell it because it’s a big NO.)”

Regarding Zombies

“One thing about the movie World War Z: I don’t recall seeing any FAT zombies. Are fat people included in the category of unhealthy hosts? If that is true, than the entire states of Mississippi, Alabama, and Texas would be void of zombies and Colorado would be zombie central. No, LA would probably be zombie central, and they’d vacation in Colorado. In fact, LA is probably already zombie central with all of the skinny, druggy wannabes there.”

Regarding Melancholy

“I was actually feeling better after being out in the beautiful weather at lunch yesterday, but when I got home from work, I found the glasses and big nose Halloween mask and wore it around the house for a while. It’s amazing how walking around with glasses and a big nose can make a rotten mood better. Do people who actually have a big nose and glasses just have to look in the mirror to raise their moods? I wonder….”

Regarding Pest Control

“Last night I woke up and noticed something that looked like a shoe lace on my bedroom floor. It turned out to be a baby snake. I went to the garage, got my new shovel (best purchase EVER), and proceeded to beat the living daylights out of the thing. Then I dumped it on the front porch.”

Regarding Cleanliness

“Your mother has officially lost her mind! Your dad mentioned that one of his online dating women may come over on Saturday morning while I am in Sherman getting my hair cut. Besides the fact that that is weird, what do you think your mother did? I mopped the kitchen floor and cleaned the bathrooms because I don’t want some woman thinking I am a bad housekeeper.”

Regarding Domestic Violence

“Did I tell you that I saw a couple duking it out on the sidewalk on Sunday morning while I was doing my early morning walk around the block? The part of the conversation I heard went something like this:

Wife: You should have told me that you didn’t love me.

Husband: I did tell you.

Wife: No you didn’t. I would have remembered something like that!

Then she slugged him a few times. She was much better looking than the guy, so I think she’ll come out okay in the long run.”

Regarding Criticism

“A lot of what you write doesn’t make sense to me, but you’re the greatest writer of all time (except for the parts I criticize).”