12 People Reveal The Craziest Thing They Ever Did To Impress A Crush

1.

“I lived on nothing but amphetamines and water for the whole of freshman year to lose enough weight for my crush to notice me. When I finally managed to ask her out, she asked me why half of my teeth were missing. Needless to say, I didn’t close the deal.”

2.

“I let him put it in my ass, and when I say ‘it,’ I mean his fist. The one on the end of his leg. Still can’t walk comfortably.”

3.

“So there was this barista I’d been talking to and she told me that she was only into guys with beards. I’m of Asian descent and cannot grow one, so I came in to Starbucks one day wearing a beard of bees. Turns out she was allergic to their stings, they sensed her fear, and, well, I’ll let you figure out the rest.”

4.

“My crush told me that he wouldn’t date a left-handed girl, so I spent six months learning to become ambidextrous. When I told him, he laughed and said that he was only fucking with me. On the plus side, I can now do switch-ups when I’m masturbating.”

5.

“I converted to Islam to win my crush over before finding out that she was a Hindu. I’m too scared to apostasize, so for now I’m just kind of rolling with it. Masha’Allah!”

6.

“My crush told me that if I shoplifted her a Tiffany bracelet that she’d go out with me. I got caught, and now I’m a stockroom boy at a stationary store. Did I mention that the bracelet thing was fifty years ago?”

7.

“Back in grade eleven I was crushing hard on this older guy (we’ll call him Kyle) with piercing blue eyes and striking, intense features. One day Kyle got expelled from my school after he put an Afro wig on our statue of Marcus Garvey, and as he marched out of the gates I came up to him and said, ‘I like you.’ We dated for a few months, until one day he said, ‘If you wanna be my girl, you gotta do something for me.’ I asked him what that ‘something’ was, and so he and his brothers took me into their garage, where I discovered that they had kidnapped Mr. Belmonte, my Spanish teacher, before beating him senseless and hog-tying him with electrical tape. Kyle handed me a knife and said ‘cut him’ before instructing me to etch a swastika into Mr. Belmonte’s forehead. I was crying and begging for him to be let go, but Kyle insisted, and I was so scared that he’d drop me for somebody older that I reluctantly went ahead and did it. Unfortunately, I was so nervous that I did the second arm of the swastika the wrong way, so somewhere out there is a kindly old Mexican educator with an incorrectly rendered Nazi symbol carved into his face. I say ‘out there,’ but I’m pretty sure they killed him after I left.”

8.

“After weeks of asking, I finally persuaded a colleague to go on a date with me. She was kind of a tomboy, and when she farted I tried to one-up her. Ended up shitting myself right there in the gallery. My nickname around the office is now ‘the guy who shits himself,’ and my coworkers frequently leave Depends diapers on my desk when I’m out for lunch.”

9.

“I was so attracted to this guy from my work that when he asked me if he could date my younger sister, I reluctantly gave him her number. Anything to have him around more, you know? Anyway, she got pregnant in the end, and he’s up for statutory rape in July. Love hurts.”

10.

“I got her name tattooed under my right eye and surprised her at work. That’s when I found out she spells Linda with a ‘y.’ She actually had the nerve to call me ridiculous.”

11.

“This guy I’d been obsessing over for months said he’d go out with me if I fucked his dog, so I fucked his dog. He didn’t go out with me in the end. I still make monthly payments to keep him from sharing the footage online.”

12.

“I saw a beautiful girl at the bar but was too nervous to approach her. After working up a little Dutch courage, I decided to say hi but found that she was already talking to someone. In a rage, I blindsided the guy and then stomped on his face until he stopped moving. She wrote me in prison, and we’ve been happily married ever since.”