12 Simple Ways To Feel More Relaxed

The world can be a stressful place.

We’re all constantly so caught up with our iPads and iPhones and our arm(s) and our beanbag chairs that sometimes it’s like, “!!!!!!!NO. WHY GOD. WHY. NO. WHY, NO.” Well, turn that facial expression that shouts, “I’m extremely depressed and anxious and probably need to seek professional help” upside down or whatever will make it so you’re a Strong Boy and use these horrible simple tools to find less more relaxation in your life!

1. Go outside. Feels better already, doesn’t it? Scientists say going outside and getting fresh air sends endorphins (small dolphins) your brain to make it like grow a mouth and actually smile, like your brain does that. Feel the sun on your face, aging you, feel the mouth inside your head smile which might cause a slight headache.

2. Spend a whole day with no make up, no jewelry, no pants, no phone, no legs, no head, eat only ORGANIC TRASH (no food), and see how relaxed you feel, also don’t sit in your house, sit outside (no house).

3. Instead of sitting at the kitchen table to eat breakfast, go outside. Don’t even eat breakfast, just go outside and that’s your breakfast, just take a moment to breathe in beautiful mother nature and let the sun’s nutrients feed you naturally.

4. Why limit yourself to the gym? Is it because it’s easier and you pay for it so you should probably use your fucking membership and also it’s inside and more comfortable? That’s stupid. Go for a run on the cracked sidewalk of your sketchy neighborhood. Maybe one of your crackhead neighbors will talk to you or try to kill you. And would you look at that, you’re outside again.

5. Move countries. This is an easy one. Pick up and move your entire existence to a foreign country! New things excite your brain and no one will speak your language so you’ll have to really pay attention to what’s going on because you’ll have no idea what’s going on.

6. Look out your window through your blinds. Is something going on out there??? What was that noise?? Who was that voice???? There’s something going on next door, THERE JUST HAS TO BE, just keep looking through the blinds for the rest of the day, you just have to figure this out??????

7. GO OUTSIDE. OUTSIDE. GO OUT THERE. IT’S NOT INSIDE. THERE’S OTHER PEOPLE THERE SO YOU’LL BE RELAXED. THE OTHER PEOPLE AND STUFF GOING ON DO NOT CAUSE MORE ANXIETY THEYRE GIANT WALKING ZEN YOGA BALLS, GO OUTSIDE.

8. Replace your morning coffee that keeps your caffeine headache away and wakes you up with just not drinking it and having a terrible headache all day. You’ll feel 100% all naturally exhausted and organically won’t be able to concentrate on literally anything, just like they did in the 1400s (the Golden Years).

9. Stop avoiding people. Say hi to strangers. Say hi to every stranger. Never stop saying hi. Don’t ignore the dirty drunk man who shouts, “EXCUSE ME, MA’AM? EXCUSE ME? EXCUSE ME, MA’AM,” at you on your walk to work. What if he is a potential friend? Look people you don’t know straight in the eye and talk to them even if they act like they don’t want you to. Follow them to their cars. Follow them home! Bring a glass cutter to cut a hole in the window of their home in case they don’t want to let you in so you can TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE and let yourself in to the house that isn’t yours.

10. Stop and just look at the street. Look at it. Isn’t it beautiful? It’s a street. Do you see? Do you see the street? The street is outside, and SO ARE YOU AGAIN, YOU’RE OUTSIDE AGAIN, ISN’T IT NICE, LOOK THERE’S A TOOTHLESS GUY APPROACHING YOU TO ASK FOR CHANGE.

11. Take out your headphones when you’re in public and put them in someone else’s ears or on a dog someone is walking. Experience what’s going on around you as the owner yells at you to go away.

12. Light some candles and turn all the lights out in your room and when you hear a strange noise or a ghost and knock over a candle and your house catches on fire, go outside again, if you had been to begin with, this wouldn’t have happened to you.