12 Stages Of Getting Drunk Alone Together As A Couple


1. It’s still light out, but whatevs.

You start drinking at an ungodly early hour because, why not? It’s late afternoon, but it’s happy hour somewhere! Plus, if you pregame and get a little tipsy before going out, you’ll spend less money on drinks later on. The math makes sense! Boozing early is the responsible thing to do.

2. Just a few sips, though, ok?

Unlike the last time you started drinking midday, you pledge to pace yourselves. You agree to split a bottle of wine at most, or to cut each other off after two beers. That way, you won’t be wasted when you leave the house to go out. You just want a little taste and a slight buzz. It’s like playing “just the tip” instead of having actual sex—a somewhat frustrating act, and yet satisfying in its very own sensory deprivation kind of way.

3. It’s all gone?

When one of you reaches for your “second beer” and the six-pack is somehow already cashed, or tries to pour another glass of wine out of an empty bottle, you’re both genuinely shocked. Without even realizing it, you’ve finished every last drop of alcohol in the house. You’re having so much fun drinking and hanging out that time slips right through your silly little fingers.

4. Might as well restock now.

You have to replenish your supply of booze at some point, and that point might as well be *right now.* It seems like a great chance to take a little breather anyway. So you walk out (or drive away, if one of you is sober enough) to the nearest liquor store as soon as humanly possible. You purchase a few cases of beer and/or wine because it makes financial sense to buy in bulk, obvs.

5. Isn’t it awesome being in love?

Back at home, you profess your undying affection for each other as you dive into another round because, why not? It’s so fucking amazing being in love! You’re both practically dead sober since you took that break to make an alcohol run, so you might as well toast your awesomeness as a couple and reestablish your mutual buzz while discussing the night ahead.

6. Tonight’s gonna rock!

There are so many amazing places to go, exciting things to do, and fun people to see. It’s impossible to pick just one destination or activity, so you decide to do it all like the rockstars you are. It’s gonna be great! It’s not like you’re one of those super lazy, isolationist couples that never wants to do anything once they’re in a serious relationship. You’re a highly social duo. The joint life of the party. The twosome everyone admires because they’re more fun together than apart.

7. What the hell do we do for now?

Since it’s still super early and you have a bunch of time to waste, you either comb through your movie and TV watching options, or make up a weird game. Or both. You might just make up a weird drinking game centered on a specific movie or TV show like “drink every time a Kardashian takes a selfie.” Alternatively, you might throw an impromptu two-person dance party, or challenge each other to a sing-off. You’re definitely not afraid to get weird with each other.

8. You hungry? OMG I’m starved!

You have to pause whatever you’re doing to address the fact that you’re both fucking starving. Maybe you’re supposed to meet friends for dinner, but there’s no harm fixing yourselves an appetizer. Problem is, there’s nothing in the fridge (or whatever’s in the fridge is totally unappealing). Luckily, the takeout offerings are plentiful and so reasonably priced at this early bird special hour. You order a bunch of food figuring the leftovers will come in handy if you really let loose and wake up hungover.

9. Let’s bone!

As you wait for your food to arrive, the only reasonable way to distract yourselves from your rumbling stomachs is to have sex. It’s the one craving you can actually satisfy immediately—and without going anywhere. Plus, you don’t want to wait until you’re full-on sauced to boink because everyone knows how well that turns out.

10. It’s about fucking time!

When the doorbell finally rings, one of you throws some clothes on and scrambles to pay the delivery guy so you can attack the edibles like a couple of cavemen. You don’t bother plating anything or worrying about being civilized because you’re way past trying to impress each other. You stuff yourselves senseless, completely disregarding your initial intent to eat a snack just to hold you over.

11. Cheers to us, take three!

With a food cushion to lean on, you feel inspired to keep drinking your faces off. The recycling bin is stuffed to the brim with empties but you’re not at all worried about how much you’ve consumed since you’re both still so damn *with it.* You might as well take shots just for kicks! It’s finally dark out, which means you can drink as much as you want without feeling weird about it.

12. That party would’ve been lame anyway.

Soon, you’re both slurring-your-words intoxicated. Neither of you can walk straight or hold a conversation, and the idea of going out is suddenly totally unappealing. What’s the point, again? You like each other more than anyone else anyway. And it’s not like you have to go out to get laid. One of you drafts a few shady, typo-ridden cancellation texts before you both crawl into bed and pass out, vaguely mumbling about how lame all those parties would’ve been anyway.