12 Things Dudes Are Embarrassed Of That They Should Be


Well I was spending a lovely morning laying in my bed, waking up slowly as I am wont to do as a lifer insomniac, and perusing the articles in my twitter feed when I came across this: 12 Things Girls Are Embarrassed Of That They Should Be.

I have never read such a such disgusting, hateful portrayal of women and I’ve never been so offended either.

1. Ear Hair, Toe Hair, Nose Hair

Are YOU fucking high? Do you think I want to look at your vom inducing nose pubes? AAAAND for the record some Women have medical conditions that cause them to have excessive hair growth like Harnaam Kaur and ya know what? They are still beautiful and way more awesome than you because they don’t have all these insecure hang-ups. ie: You are weak and they are strong.

2. Caring Too Much About Women’s Hairstyles

Thoroughly embarrassing. Nothing says high maintenance, whiny, misogynist, sissy boy than a dude who laments over women who missed a hair appointment. NEXT! I’ll take the guy who likes my fancy hair at the cocktail party AND my dirty, undyed sex hair in the morning. Thank you very much.

3. Being A Man Slut

Here is the age old double standard of men fucking everything that moves and being praised while women who have had more than 3 sexual partners are automatically whores. Who are you to assume that every woman who sleeps around is, what did you call them? Oh yes, “Used, Abused alcoholics that cry themselves to sleep…?” You can never know the reasons behind anyone’s choices and guess what else? YOU are not in charge of judging them. Some women are damaged, some women aren’t, some women just really , really like sex. Why is that hard for you men to grasp anyway? I thought you’d all be stoked that women these days are standing up and admitting they want to see your boners. The sad thing is, you’ve probably slept with a number of these girls that you feel this way about. They probably all tell their friends how shitty you are at eating pussy anyway.

4. Tiny Dicks

Wonderful. Not only is your dick the size of Chapstick but your swampy balls that you never wash are making me dizzy with nausea. Be embarrassed because I told all of my friends.

5. Shaming the Advancement of Women

You think its embarrassing that women want things to be equal, equal opportunity for success and still expect chivalry? First of all, I don’t expect any chivalry from men because boneheads like you don’t even understand what that word means. Secondly, when I am out fighting in the corporate trenches of the Social Media Marketing world, I do not expect the Men in my working life to open doors for me or lay their coats down over mud puddles because I don’t need them to. I am just as capable as they are and I show it by keeping up and taking care of myself. However, would I like my boyfriend to treat me tenderly at times? Yes. Just like I like to participate in traditional gender roles once in a while and cook for him or do his laundry because those are nice ways to display our affection for each other. I don’t need my colleagues showing me affection I need them to respect me.

6. Beer Bellies

Now I don’t mind a big man, in fact I am rather fond of them, but if you are going to expect me to uphold a certain physical standard and have a “thigh gap” then I am not going to be crushed any longer under the weight of your fat wheezing gut while you try to bang me.

7. Pretending to Understand the Private Thoughts of Women

I have a journal, but none of the disgusting crap you think is in there exists. That just sounds like the stuff that runs through your head when you jack off. I write short essays, poetry, my thoughts on anything and everything, meaningful words, deep shit. I have a brain.

8, 9, and 10. Pretending to Understand the Anatomy of Women

Queefing? Your dick is the one who trapped the air in there in the first place.

Period Mishaps? They happen, they don’t involve you, ignore it. We are the sacred vessels who grow life.

Burping? I don’t belch out loud but that’s a personal choice. If men can do it acceptably then the women who like to burp can too.

You should be shamed of yourself for being so up tight about the human body. Jesus. These are facts of life man. I’d hate to see how you react to real problems.

11. Getting Pantsed

See No. 4 and hope it isn’t too chilly out.

12. Farting

Look, I don’t think it’s ladylike to burp and fart all over the place but are you kidding me? When I walk into my friend Luis’ house, which he shares with three other dudes, it’s like walking into a fart-mosphere. Dudes fart ALL THE TIME and then its like if one little toot slips out of a girl heiny she’s suddenly grosser than the elephant man. Accidents happen.

Double standards gross me out more than farts.