12 Things You Need To Know Before Falling In Love With An Over-Obsessed Dog Mom


1. Her dog will interrupt your middle school makeout session.

When you kiss her, the dog will think you’re trying to kill her and will respond by barking loudly. You can choose to ignore it, but then the dog will jump on both of your laps, killing the moment, and possibly your boner. Basically her dog will be a consistent cock-block throughout your entire relationship.

2. She might tell her dog she loves him/her more often than she tells you.

She says, “I love you,” to her dog every time she leaves the house. She says it to you maybe once a week. Something you’ll just have to live with.

3. There will be times where she chooses the dog over you.

When the dog is laying on her lap, and you want to cuddle, she’s going to let the dog continue to lay on her lap. And when both you and the dog haven’t eaten dinner yet, she’s going to feed the dog first.

4. You will have to dog sit.

Her friend’s bachelorette party is next weekend, which means it’s just you and puppy. You’ll have to feed it, love it, oh and you’ll have to pick up its shit. Just another part of falling in love with a dog mom.

5. Your living space will be peed or pooped in.

Speaking of shit, sometimes the dog won’t do its business where it’s supposed to. Even when her dog is trained, you can bet it will pee or poop in your apartment at least once.

6. Your clothes will be covered in dog hair.

That black polo you wanted to wear out tonight looks more like a fur sweater. You’ll have to invest in a good lint roller.

7. Your shoes might become chew toys.

Your new Nike sneakers might not look new for very long. You’ll learn to keep your prized possessions in a place where Spike or Buddy can’t get to them.

8. You will constantly wish she’d give you as much attention as she does the dog.

Prepare to be jealous of the relationship she has with her dog. She’ll come home from work and greet the dog before you, the dog will probably make her smile more than you do, and she will spend more money on a dog halloween costume than she did on your birthday gift. Don’t worry you can satisfy her in ways the dog can’t, so you’ll always have that.

9. You will get really sick of hearing her dog voice.

You know exactly what I’m talking about. Every time she talks to her dog her voice goes up five octaves and she says sentences like she’s singing Yankee Doodle.

10. You will begin to use a dog voice.

No matter how annoyed you become with her dog voice, you’ll develop one of your own. It might not be as high-pitched as hers, but it will be equally annoying.

11. She might have more photos of her dog than you.

Don’t be surprised if you look around her apartment and see more framed pictures of her and the dog, than her and you. It’s not that she doesn’t love you, it’s just that the dog is more easily coerced into more selfies than you are.

12. When she says ‘my baby’ she’s referring to the dog.

She might have a pet name for you, Babe, Bae, whatever other weird pseudonyms you two have thought up for each other, but her ‘baby’ is her dog. Sorry.