13 A**holes You Need To Avoid At This Weekend’s Halloween Party


1. The Racist Asshole

Blackface, afro wigs, binidis, geisha makeup: this person sees nothing wrong with appropriation. They’re over age 18 and have no ~youthful ignorance~ excuse. Tell this person to get a Tumblr and a fucking clue.

2. The Asshole Who Condescendingly Asks What You Are

“What are you supposed to be?” Supposed? Um, I am a zombie sailor, you pretentious dick in a beret.

3. The Asshole Who Thinks They Obnoxiously Have To Stay In Character

This asshole dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow and all of the sudden they’re constantly talking in an accent and asking where the rum’s gone. You actually would like some of the rum, but they will not let up. They’re Mary Kate Olsen, chainsmoking inside your apartment even though you expressly forbid lighting up indoors. They’re the terrible Bridget Jones with the lazy British accent and even lazier lame sweater set costume. Worst of all, they think that their getup is superior to everyone else’s just because they’re letting it run their lives.

4. The Halloween Truther Asshole

“Did you know that ‘all hallow’s eve’ was originally a Christian holiday designed t-” ERROR 404 REASON FOR BEING THIS MUCH OF A DOUCHE NOT FOUND ;;;;;;;;

5. The Group Photo Asshole

“Everyone get together! OMG! SO GOOD! MAKE A FUNNY FACE. OMG. You NEED a picture together! KRAMER AND ROSS, I LOVE IT!!!!!”

6. The ‘Too Soon’ Asshole

Costumes for 2014: Robin Williams, Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, the Ebola virus, Ferguson. This asshole’s parents never told them ‘no.’ Just no.

7. The Asshole Who’s Covered In Fake Blood

This asshole would be totally in the spirit and awesome if they hadn’t used the janky homemade formula that makes their fake blood rub off as a bright red stain on everything they touch, including, but not limited to: you, your clothes, your friends, your friends’ clothes, your possessions, your walls, the keg, and your sheets.

8. The ‘I Hate Slutty Costumes’ Asshole

This asshole tends to be a guy, but it can also be a holier-than-thou girl who’s decided it’s their completely alternative, indie, original idea to hate the idea of a ‘slutty’ take on any costume. They are not here to have fun, they are here to preserve the tradition of the holiday itself. Catch these assholes sipping a craft beer, talking to no one, and side-eyeing every single person in a Hermione outfit that isn’t a black robe and a frizzy wig.

9. The ‘My Costume Involves A Water Gun’ Asshole

This asshole came to bring the LOLz by turning every other partygoer into a drowned rat. They could’ve been considerate and put tequila in their watergun, but no, it is just water, and it is just the worst.

10. The Asshole Who Thinks Hating Halloween Is Cool

This person lives at the intersection of Insufferable Avenue and Pretentious Street. They’re somehow ‘too old for this’ yet still out at the bar with you, and when you ask them why the hell they actually came out, they’ll be like, “I’m asking myself the SAME thing.” And then both of you will disintegrate into the ether of actually being characters in a poorly written Zach Braff movie.

11. The Asshole Who’s Dressed As Genitalia

“Isn’t it HILARIOUS that I wore this giant condom out? LOL? Get it?! I’m a dickhead!!!” Okay, yeah, it was funny for five minutes but now you’re touching me and I’m uncomfortable.

12. The Asshole Who Doesn’t Get Why No One Gets Their Costume

They look like they just walked out of a GAP ad and you have no idea what they’re supposed to be and they keep baiting the hell out of you to get it. “The lead singer of Mumford & Sons, come on!”

13. The Genius Asshole Who Wore The Exact Same Costume As You

You. Fucking. Asshole. Did we just become best friends?