13 Excuses That Are Total Bullsh*t

1. “I can’t dress well because all the cool designers are so expensive.”

To be honest, I had never heard an excuse of this ilk until I started writing fashion-related pieces on here. One in particular—11 Fashion Brands That All Stylish Women Need To Know—apparently struck a nerve with some Thought Catalog readers, who, for the large part, decided not to focus on the irrefutably ILL designs and clothes I kindly displayed for them, but rather the fact that these brands are apparently unaffordable.

Has NO ONE heard of vintage shopping? Second-hand shops? Consignment stores? Anyone? Bueller? How about Beacon’s Closet for Christ’s sake? I’ll have you know that 90% of my wardrobe come from vintage stores, range in prices from $15-$40, and are all practically designer brands. I simply have no patience for people who foolishly claim they can’t afford “cool” clothes.

2. “She came on to me.”

Unfortunately this wouldn’t be the first time my ears have been victim to such empty words. It tends to come from a dude’s mouth who is desperately trying to wriggle himself out of a tight spot. And my issues with this are twofold:

1. Most straight girls don’t make a first move unless they know the dude is down.
2. What, are you mute? Was she a linebacker, pinning you down? It’s called “No I have a girlfriend.” Use your words.

3. “I’m waiting for the perfect opportunity to come along.”

If you’re at a job that’s unenjoyable, has little room to grow, or isn’t challenging enough then you should probably consider looking for another job. This doesn’t mean keeping your ears open and hoping an opportunity falls into your lap—no successful person got to where they are with that passive approach.

4. “He’s going to change.”

Honey, I’ve been there. So many times in fact to know that men never change. They might tell you that they’ll change, but half the time they don’t even give you that courtesy. If you choose to stay with someone who treats you poorly, at least do your friends and family a favor and don’t say it’s because he’s “going to change.” It’s so far-fetched it’s almost offensive.

5. “I’m tired.”

Honey, I KNOW. I’ve already planned to have “I’m tired” written on my tombstone. My friends seem to think this isn’t an acceptable excuse. But—wait a second—it just occurred to me that I have no friends, and so will continue using this excuse.

6. “I have to pack tonight for my trip.”

Anyone who designates an entire night to packing is a charlatan in my book. Who needs 8 hours to pack, ever? More importantly, who can BEAR 8 hours of packing? It all sounds very fishy to me…

7. “But I have no one to go with.”

This should never be an excuse. If anything, it should be more of a reason to go. Or so I hear. Apparently meeting new people can be fun—not that I would know.

8. “I’ll do it tomorrow.”

I tell myself this every day and then I retort back with, “Nope you won’t!” Because that’s just it—you won’t do it tomorrow. I can, at the very least, promise you that. I still haven’t figured out how to tackle this one, despite the extensive research I’ve done.

9. “Well you shouldn’t have looked through my phone.”

Okay…fair point. OR you shouldn’t have been an unfaithful prick. Either/or.

10. “But the polar vortex….” [said with whiny inflection]

The first time Mr. Vortex dropped by we were all in a frozen-nipple craze, not leaving our apartments or snuggies for days. Now, the novelty of it all has dramatically waned and the cold has morphed into a pretty lame excuse to not leave your abode. And to those who own a pair of snow boots: I don’t even want to hear the words “polar vortex” uttered from your chapped lips.

11. “But I’m lonely…”

This should never be the answer you give when someone asks why you got back together with your significant other. It’s a lazy excuse and kind of naive too. You’ll never know the joy of being alone (and there are MANY—cough cough watching Kardashians without feeling judged cough cough) if you continue to rely on the vague sense of security you get from being in a relationship.

12. “I can’t be with you because you’re not letting me grow.”

Oh honey. No one has the power to make you grow but yourself. Don’t blame your ineptitude on your poor significant other. It’s a low blow and also a surefire way to ensure you’ll never grow.

13. “I don’t have time to read.”

Everyone has time to read, if they just cut their masturbation time in half, resigned from ONE game in Words With Friends, or didn’t take the time to gratuitously hashtag their Instagrams. Now go read some Martin Amis.