13 Indisputable Stages Of Getting Beer Drunk


1. The Pre-Game Stretch

You feel good. You’ve just finished your first beer, and you can feel your nagging anxieties slowly drift away. Your body’s relaxed and comfortable, the way you imagine a professional athlete feels before a big game. Which makes sense, because after all, drinking is your sport.

2. The Buzz

The room is bristling with excitement, or at least you think it is. Really, the bar is just as dark and dingy as always, but to you, it’s like someone sprinkled pixie dust over everything. You’re remembering how fun drinking is, and you definitely need to do this more often!

3. The Spinning Room

You’re totally not drunk but you just turned your head, and the world around you definitely didn’t move at the same pace you did. You turn your head again to see if maybe that was a one-time thing, but nope, the room is definitely moving slower than you. Or are you moving faster? Are you turning into The Flash??

4. The Klutz

You’re heading towards the bathroom, but maneuvering through the crowd is surprisingly hard! People are just moving straight into your path obviously, because it’s not you, you’ve barely had anything to drink. Maybe four. Five drinks? But you’re just barely buzzed, promise.

5. The Heavy Limbs

When did your arms get so heavy?? And your feet??? Moving anything is, god, it’s sooo hard!

6. The Self-Aware Slur

Okay, you’re starting to verge on being drunk, and you can hear yourself slurring a bit. You don’t want anyone to know that you’re drunk, so you over-articulate your speech to compensate for any slurring. It ends up sounding like a slower, more deliberate slur, and no one’s fooled.

7. The Sales Pitch

Your friend is seriously amazing! And you need to make sure everyone knows it! You’ll tell anyone who will listen! Lissen… thiss grl… she’s just… the BEST. You knowww???

8. The Star Performer

There’s no dance floor in this bar, but what the hell, YOU’RE DANCING ANYWAY! And oohhhh there’s karaoke? STEP ASIDE AMATEURS, BEYONCÉ HAS ARRIVED. You sound awesome! (You don’t.) They’re loving it! (They’re not.)

9. The Great Debate

You have never had a stronger opinion about something than you do right now. A GRIZZLY BEAR WOULD ABSOLUTELY BEAT AN AFRICAN LION IN AN ARM WRESTLING MATCH!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? You figure the louder you yell, the more right you’ll be.

10. The Philosopher

It’s like the beer has opened your mind to new depths. You’re getting so deep, people should probably start wearing scuba gear. You understand the inner working of the universe and know exactly how to solve the conflict in the Middle East. Fuck. You should run for president.

11. The Superman

You’re invincible! Do you wanna fight?? I’ll fight you! Nothing can bring you down! Except maybe walking in a straight line, because that shit’s hard, and gravity is one bitch that doesn’t fuck around.

12. The Denial

I’m totally fiiiiine. I’m basically soberrr. Really. Absolutely no one believes you, and they’re going to walk you home, whether you like it or not.

13. The Sentimental

Your friend is tucking you into bed, forcing you to guzzle some water, and you can’t help but express just how much you love them. So much. You’re in the middle of telling them about all the great times the two of you have had and how grateful you are to have them in your life when you drop into a deep, deep sleep.