13 Reasons I’m Jealous Of Men
By Becky Lang
1. They get to pee standing up. Squatting behind a bush, trying not to hit her leaf underwear is probably how primordial woman realized nature was out to fuck with her.
2. Having a penis seems pretty cool. I know it probably hurts a lot when you get kicked there and makes it hard to cross your legs, but you get to be the subject rather than the object when it comes to sex (unless you’re a bottom or there is a strap-on involved). That seems more fun.
3. You can walk in parks alone at night. If I did that I might as well have a lit-up “Vulnerable Small Woman!” sign above my head.
4. All your magazines are better. Have you read Vogue? There’s an essay about a woman trying a juice diet and falling into a deep depression almost every month.
5. Construction workers and panhandlers probably don’t follow you down the street screaming about your ass.
6. In relationships, you’re never “the naggy one.” If a man is clingy and needy, he probably gets laid more for being “sensitive.”
7. To make a baby, you can just have sex with someone and then earn points for doing pregnant yoga with them. You don’t have to actually have it come tearing and screaming out of your body.
8. If you don’t have children, you just get to be a bachelor who gets more sexy as he ages. If a woman doesn’t have children, everyone worries about her biological clock and advertises wrinkle cream to her.
9. The sports store is 70% devoted to you.
10. If you make an album, or write a book, it’s just your work. It doesn’t automatically get labeled “women’s ____” and become part of a gender subgenre.
11. You get to eat so, so much.
12. You never have to get a period, take pills not to get pregnant, get sick from Plan B or have an abortion.
13. Men’s fashion brands try so hard to appeal to you. For women it’s just “Here’s a chick hotter than you wearing a thing, buy it and look richer than your friends.”