13 Steps To Getting Ready For A First Date

1. Squeal when you check your phone and see that the guy you met last week has texted you, asking if you want to grab dinner this Tuesday. Immediately burst into your roommate’s bedroom and spend the next 7-10 minutes analyzing his message down to its minutia. Does he like you more or less because he greeted you with one “yo” as opposed to two?

2. The night of your date, click on his Facebook profile. Notice that he has listed some obscure band you have never heard of under his musical interests. Chiddy…Bang? Take a few minutes to Google them. This will prove useful if there is a lull in the conversation later, and you want to bring up something that shows you have mutual interests.

3. Try on at least seven different outfits while your roommate sits on your bed, watching videos on her laptop and murmuring vaguely each time you ask her what she thinks. Tear through your closet, which is so full you can’t even close the door. Grow frustrated because you have nothing to wear. Finally settle on the first outfit you tried.

4. Spend an hour carefully applying your make-up so that you look as though you aren’t wearing any.

5. “What if he’s a bad kisser?” your roommate asks from your bed. “What if he kisses like he’s trying to check for cavities with his tongue?” Throw a pillow at her — partially because she’s being obnoxious but mainly because this is a real, terrifying possibility.

6. Glance at your phone. He’s six minutes late, and he hasn’t responded to the last smiley face you sent. Consider texting him again but ultimately decide against it because you don’t want to seem as though you’re trying too hard. Besides, what if he lost interest and is standing you up because he doesn’t know how to let you down easily?

7. Your roommate offers to order Seamless and watch Netflix with you instead. There’s a great new Ethiopian place a few streets away that delivers. Y’all can cuddle with one another over a sitcom.

8. Wonder if that would make you pathetic. As you’re deciding whether or not to change back into your sweatpants and take her up on that offer, head to the refrigerator and swipe one of her beers. You don’t even like beer, but your nerves are out of whack.

9. Race over to the table you dropped your phone when you hear it begin to vibrate. He texted back! He didn’t have service while he was in the subway! He’s two minutes away! Somewhere up there, an angel is smiling fondly down at you.

10. Hurry back to your closet and quickly change out of what you were wearing and into something that says “I’m not necessarily DTF, but I’m not necessarily not DTF.”

11. Grab your keys and your purse. Remember that Chiddy Bang is some rapper who had some song that was really popular amongst college frat boys a couple years ago…just in case that needs to come up.

12. Pause. Check your hair and your lipstick in the bathroom mirror. Take a quick selfie for social media — with Duck Face so your friends know that you’re not taking yourself seriously.

13. Hear your buzzer go off and feel your pulse begin to quicken. Showtime.