13 Things I Learned In 2013

1. Money is the worst. Currency should be forks and spoons, even if it means I have to eat mac and cheese like a dog.

2. George Clooney is never getting married.

3. Leonardo DiCaprio is the king in the world, his butt is the best butt in the world, and he’s drawn to characters who live in Long Island.

4. I learned how to hail a cab while sitting on a sidewalk crying in the rain in the east village because a TV show I liked got canceled

5. If I don’t want to be compared to Lena Dunham all I have to do is cut off my ears and take out my eyes.

6. I empathize with the loneliness and impulsive behavior of an unpredictable, murdery orca named Tilikum.

7. Kate and Leo aren’t getting together for another 10 or 30 years.

8. “Wrecking Ball” is a great song, but it would be a better song if Kelly Clarkson sang it.

9. George R.R. Martin needs a roundtable of editors to casually tell him, “Maybe don’t kill off these three beloved characters at the same time, we’re worried it will make the depression rates in America skyrocket.”

10. Matthew McConaughey can do anything. So if you’re worried everything you’ve done is shit, don’t worry. You can prove yourself once you’ve lost thirty pounds to play a sick guy.

11. When a boy says he wants to take you out for steak, he really means it’s over.

12. Kanye West maybe thinks he’s the second coming of Jesus Christ. I was convinced for about two weeks in July.

13. Ben Affleck’s rebirth as serious actor didn’t work as well as Matthew McConaughey’s (you can’t add Batman muscles to be taken seriously anymore, you basically just have to get rid of your butt).