13 Times Death By Cop Wouldn’t Be Your Worst Option


1. You have crippling student loan debt, your fiancé found out, and is now leaving you. I mean, why would they want to pay a huge monthly tax on your underachieving ass? You should have worked harder and gotten a scholarship, bae.

2. You’d do anything not to have to spend the holidays with your family. Who wants to go home to “Why aren’t you married yet?” and “I thought you’d be making a lot more money by now.”

3. You haven’t gotten over Matt Smith regenerating on Doctor Who. Don’t yell “SPOILERS” at me. It’s been a whole season already.

4. You’re a racist who just woke up from a cryogenic state and found out that a black man is president.

5. You’re a barista at Starbucks and if you hear the words “peppermint mocha” one more time, you’re going to choke somebody.

6. You’ve finished college and have to move back in with your parents. Chores? You want me to do fucking chores? Let me write you a 12-page paper, print out some graphs from Matlab, and program a robot to do that for you…oh fine. I’ll do the damn dishes.

7. You’ve been waiting for like *ever* for a feminist Disney movie and Frozen just reminds you of a fight you had with your sister when your parents took her side because she’s the baby and you’re “supposed to be the bigger person.”

8. You’re not white. And let’s be real: what the hell kind of use does a college degree, a steady job, and a nice portfolio have if you’re not as white and JFK?

9. You’re a woman. You can barely leave your house without recalling that one in every few women is sexually assaulted in their lifetime, the glass ceiling means you won’t get paid for work equivalent to that of your male counterparts, and you’re less likely to get promoted or even find a job at all after college.

10. You’re unarmed. Well, you stupid fuck, what were you thinking leaving your house in the middle of the day in a city or town with police everywhere without a gun or at least a sock full of soap bars?

11. You read about the torture techniques used by the CIA and found out that none of the people who wielded these techniques are in prison. Therefore, your parents have started threatening to call them every time they want to get information out of you. Fuck that — I’m going to the gas station to steal a candy bar.

12. Your medical bills from this year are piling up because you couldn’t make sense of that ObamaCare website last year.

13. You’re a black guy and you want to be a part of the cool crowd. You can’t miss this trend; all the kids are doing it.