13 Ways To Procrastinate


“Anything but work, anything but work..” is the unconscious mantra that people seem to adopt when they have things they should be doing. It’s insidious, of course, but so damn effective that you’ll do almost everything before you finally sit down (or stand up) to do whatever you originally had high on your agenda. For me, some of those things include (but are not limited to)..

1. Calculate exactly how much time you’ll need to accomplish The Task (the thing you should be doing). It seems like a productive and even proactive mental exercise, but it’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. What you’re really doing is figuring out how long you can put it off. This sometimes includes all the prep work for said Task and even an emailed clarification to colleagues or friends to iron out certain details. At this point, you

2. Remember all of the fancy, business-y emails you’ve been meaning to send. Often they’ll be so trivial, but sometimes you’ll end up tending to some important things that you’ve been putting off for some vague “this week” time that has no meaning for many people other than, “This is important but I won’t commit to a specific time because I’m sure there’s some excuse I’m forgetting for why I’ll have to put it off.” The great part about this is that you’ll feel so productive after these that you’ll decide to take a break.

3. So, you get some lunch. Wow, you’re so on it. Got all the little details you needed for your task, even sent out those business-y emails that you’ve been meaning to. You’re even eating at a reasonable hour! Talk about being on a roll. As a matter of fact, you should totally

4. See a friend. You’re already out and it’s that old college buddy who finally moved to your city and you guys have always passively talked about grabbing coffee and catching up. Today is a great day for it because you’re feeling so damn productive that this social venture will only boost your creativity or resolve for your task later.

5. Buy groceries. With your social and personal errands taken care of, you figure you might as well. There’s that one thing you’ve been dying to have for breakfast every morning and you haven’t had any time but now! Alas! That Chobani is yours for the taking. Uh, purchasing. Anyway, you leave whatever cafe at which you and Brian or Jessica met and head right over to Trader Joe’s. Or Whole Foods if you got it like that.

6. Masturbate a little. Or a lot. You’re well fed and everything so the last thing for you to do before you tackle your task is to rub one out. It’ll clear your head and you’ll be thinking so optimally you might even knock it out in half the time. So, you pull up your favorite clip or whip out your favorite toy and, in the name of productivity, go at it.

7. Shower. I mean, after all that, it would be weird not to, right? Right. So you take a quick shower because who can work when they feel dirty or whatever? It’s a glorious shower and while you’re in there you might actually start brainstorming on how you’re gonna tackle your task. Lotta ins, lotta outs but nothing you can’t handle after your day of being a Productive Adult.

8. Eat again. It’s been, what, a couple hours since you’ve eaten? Famished! You gotta get your blood sugar up so you can finally get to work. And hell, you just got that Chobani. So, you set up your laptop, hammer, or your easel or whatever, and settle right in with your Chobani. Now, it’s time to get down to busine — oh, but wait! Who can work in silence?

9. Find the perfect playlist. Something that’s really gonna get the creative juices flowing. Let’s see, let’s see.. Joey Bada$$? King Krule? What’s the feel for this thing? Maybe start with some Lauryn Hill and then slide into Kanye. Maybe? There are so many options and this crucial thing might take you an hour or two. It’ll be a great couple hours, though. You’ll rediscover some artists you forgot, find some totally new ones that are so good it’s fuckin’ your shit up.

10. Talk to your roommate. Eventually your roommate returns and you’re in the living room or sitting at the table because you figured a change of scenery from your bedroom would boost your thinking somehow. And man, what a day they’ve had. “She said WHAT? Noooo!” and so on.

11. Dinner. It’s about dinner time and you and your roommate are so flush with whatever the hell happened today that you figure dinner is the only solution. “Do you wanna grab a bite?” they ask you. “Uhh, I was working on something but I can finish it tonight, let’s go.” (Did you also hear the distant cannon of fallen tributes?)

12. Relax. Dinner turned into drinks, of course, and since it’s never just one drink for you, you stumble through the door and plop. It’s late by this point but you’re not that drunk, you tell yourself. You decide to wait to sober up a bit before you get to your ever so important task. You’ll take care of it before bed and sleep like a baby. So you head to the kitchen to get some drunk food (that you luckily just picked up at Trader Joe’s.. or Whole Foods if you got it like that).

13. Netflix. Surely, you can’t be expected to sit alone in the dark eating waffles and potatoes or whatever until you’re ready. So you open Netflix to continue that show you decided to rewatch all the way through. Ya know, there’s no reason to be so uncomfortable while waiting to sober up. Go ahead and get in bed, prop up a pillow. Turn on your space heater, even. Ah, that’s it. Nice. This show is so good. Hilarious. You know these characters better than your friends. Haha, good one Leslie.. oh, Tom.. the Parks department would be nothing wi.. without.. *yawn* without you guys.. mmm.. zzzzzz..

Like a baby.