14 More Items Bartenders Should Put In Bloody Marys


The structural cornerstone of every young adult brunch is the Bloody Mary. The Bloody Mary symbolizes this generation’s determination to not let ridiculous ideas such as “personal responsibility” and “dreams” get in the way of their insatiable desire to “Never Turn Down.”

Lately Bloody Marys, the millennial communion wine, have become chalices of gluttony. They often overflow with hamburgers, donuts, and whatever else the cooks didn’t use the night before.
But it’s NOT ENOUGH—let’s all boycott Bloody Marys until they include all of the following items:

1. Assorted Tropical Fish.

After three hours the alcohol-infused aquarium will certainly block the cute lil’ fishies’ gills and lead to grisly deaths. But until then young adults can take “neat” and “original” Instagram pictures captioned with “Look who I found in my Pepperoni Calzone with Raw Oysters Bloody Mary! NEMO! LMAO!”

And everyone will deservedly laugh.

2. Collarbone Shards of Saint Bibiana, the 3rd Century CE Patron Saint of Hangovers.

In this way the Catholic Church can slowly re-brand church services for the modern era as wild, alcohol-infused brunch gatherings.

3. One of Modern Library’s “100 Best Novels of the 20th Century.”

This is a clever method for politicians hoping to broaden nationwide literacy campaigns. Every 58th Bloody Mary will also include a waterproof Kindle Fire pre-loaded with the entire works of Edgar Allen Poe.

After seven Bloody Marys the whole table will be drunkenly slurring the cultural influence of “The Raven”!

4. Churro Straws.

Actually churro straws should replace normal straws for everything.

5. Decemberists Tickets.

The Ticketmaster convenience charges are included in the price of the Bloody Mary whether or not the drinker likes the Decemberists. But as a 24-year-old Art History major, they definitely like the Decemberists.

6. Replace Bloody Mary with Glass of Almond Milk.

For when someone is too hung over for a Bloody Mary but still wants to feel cool and confidently ask, “Can I have a Bloody Mary?” The bartender will even dye the milk red so no one’s ego is bruised.

7. Individually Written Motivational Speech from Herman Cain.

Herman probably needs a job and we all could use the laughs.

8. First Aid Kit.

Only 24% of Americans own a First Aid kit. We could right this sinking ship with one nationwide “Water-Tight First Aid Kit Floating In Your Bloody Mary” promotion. Alcoholism CAN save lives!

9. Natalie Imbruglia.

One lucky Bloody Mary recipient will receive a life-size and fully alive original version of Natalie Imbruglia, the 1990’s Canadian songstress behind the one-hit wonder “Torn.” Ms. Imbruglia’s new agent believes this will help to push sales of her new album above 750. Other ALMOST as lucky Bloody Mary drinkers can choose between Fred Durst or those li’l angels who sang “C’mon Ride It (The Train).

10. One of your mom’s old lunchbox letters.

A beautiful reminder of how much your mom loved you back in 1997 and how much she currently disapproves of your current “drinking at 10:34 AM on Easter Sunday” decision. “Make sure you tell Mrs. Stephenson if you have an accident” never made so much sense.

11. Free appetizers coupon for Chili’s.

With the advent of brunch-mania, Chili’s is feeling left out. In the good ole days Chili’s was the hot spot for young adult water-cooler gossip. But now no one ever goes to Chili’s except to use the bathroom while waiting in a three-hour brunch line. Let’s all remind Chili’s how much they meant to us by purchasing free mozzarella sticks and never returning!

12. Overworked Bartender’s Tears.

A touching personal addition to remind young adults that pain still exists during a six-hour-long brunch session.

13. Change of Clothes.

FACT: Everyone in every brunch party is wearing last night’s clothes. This partially sealed garbage bag filled with Goodwill rejects will partially cover up Devin’s Bud Light/vomit/Flaming Hot Cheetos odor.

14. Answer to One GRE Question.

Drinking 3,000+ Bloody Marys could lead to acceptance into Graduate School without a high school degree!