14 Signs You’ll Never Be A Soccer Mom

1. Your Impatience Is Off The Charts

During your college interview, you interrupted the interviewer after only answering two questions and asked her if it was almost over. You flip out and call your child “slow” when it takes him/her more than 10 minutes to complete a math problem.

2. You Are A Terrible Cook

What’s more, you’re sort of allergic to the kitchen. Your stove has accumulated layers of dust; your oven is a rusty old hag. So that your kids will stop complaining, you tell them that you have an in-home chef, but one who is so humble that he refuses to show his face. You call him Mr. Seamless.

3. Your Driving Skills Are Abysmal

This could be party attributed to your lack of patience. Whatever it is, you suck at driving. Your instincts are just wrong and you don’t know what signaling means. There is not a parent in the world who would trust you driving their child to school.

4. Minivans Make You Break Out Into Hives

This allergy is different from your cooking allergy in that it is actually legitimate and powerful. Every time you get inside a minivan your entire face swells up and you have this immediate, knee-jerk reaction to vomit violently and everywhere.

5. You Don’t Like The Suburbs

The sounds that people typically find calming—rustling of leaves, crickets, a light gust of wind—you find straight-up creepy. Every night in suburbia is another battle to survive a David Lynch film. You take comfort in honks and the sound of screeching tires.

6. Your PTA Involvement Is Very Limited

Specifically, it’s limited to you only asking the board why there is no bar on the soccer field.

7. You Haven’t Given Up Your Vices

You say it’s 9am? I say it’s wine o’clock. You say it’s a water thermos for Tommy’s soccer games? I say it’s a bloody mary on the go. Do you see what I am getting at?

8. You Have One Reason To Enroll Your Kid In Soccer

And that’s to hit on the DILFs.

9. You Really Just Don’t Like Kids

When little Tommy is crying, you assume it’s because he’s hungry. Your go-to move is to stick a large Cheeto in his mouth because it shuts him up and satiates him. Doesn’t matter if it’s 7am or 7pm. You love to kill two birds with one stone.

10. You’re Anti-Establishment

You actually give your kids coal for Christmas. You ignore their birthdays because it’s “a man-made celebration.” Your kid is only 3-years-old and he already has dreads. And there’s always dirt lodged deep into your fingernails.

11. Your Life Maxim Is As Follows

I never make plans more than a day in advance.

12. You Like The Smell Of Vintage Clothes

That dust-y, horse-y barn smell: you can’t get enough of it. You refuse to wash vintage clothes before wearing them because you think the rash it inevitably gives you makes your cheeks a radiant rosy color.

13. You Are Not Trained In The Art Of Mom Discretion

You complain about your divorce to anyone who will listen and that includes your son’s 6-year-old best friend. You get drunk at parent-teacher night and reveal to the school that Tommy is adopted. Chill things like that.

14. You’re Just…No. You’re No.

When you see your son put on his #17 soccer jersey, all you can say is, “WTF boy? What did I tell you? NEVER reveal your real age to anyone.”