14 Signs Your True Religion Is Football

1. During NFL season, only three days of the week really matter for you: Thursday, Sunday, and Monday.

2. You love your friends a lot, but that love disappears momentarily on those days, depending on the teams that they champion.

3. Watching important games is a bonding experience for you and your family, friends, or neighbors. These several-hour rituals usually involve lots of screaming (at the TV or in the stadium) and classic staples — like Flaming Hot Cheetos, nachos, and bean dip that will have you at the mercy of the porcelain gods the next day.

4. You know how to convince your boss of your productivity while, actually, you spend ten minutes watching ESPN highlight reels for every three minutes you work on assignments.

5. In fact, from the month of September to late January, you check NFL power rankings more often than you do anything else. But, you also know that power rankings are approximately 46.5% useless on average.

6. Recently, you’ve started to get antsy every time someone mentions anything related to Seattle around you.

7. With your friends who root for rival teams, you have learned to avoid discussions about football altogether — these have the potential to lead to raised voices, angry hand gestures, hurt feelings, and dramatic beer slams on the table. The last time you and your best friend talked football, you got into a passionate argument over the Cowboys and ended up not speaking to one another for a solid week. This stuff kills friendships.

8. Regardless of how you feel about the Chicago Bears (love ‘em or hate ‘em), you will acknowledge that Jay Cutler has the most hilarious quivering, on-the-verge-of-tears baby face — possibly in the history of the NFL.

9. Tailgating is almost second nature to you — just a notch or two behind breathing air, drinking water, or using the bathroom. You scoff at the #basic folk who don’t understand the amount of mental fortitude and liver/stomach stamina that a properly executed tailgate requires.

10. Depending on where you’re from, you may hold certain players on your hometown team in higher regard than your local governance. You like to think that they can do no wrong, but, man, does it hurt you when they prove that false and behave atrociously in their personal lives (cough, Michael Vick)!

11. You try to avoid sports bars during particularly heated games after that time you and your friends almost got into a brawl at Mickey’s with an opposing team’s unruly fans. But they were visiting from out of town and should have known better than to pick a fight on your home turf, so you’re really sorry that you’re not sorry.

12. A couple weeks ago, Beyoncé dropped a new record that kind-of, sort-of altered the music industry as it stood. You couldn’t bring yourself to care because you were so devastated about something else that occurred on the same evening, the upset of the century: the Denver Broncos losing to the San Diego Chargers. While your friends jammed out to Queen Bey’s new tunes, you cried softly into your pillow that night.

13. If you’re a Broncos’ fan, Peyton Manning is your man. If you’re not a Broncos fan, you kind of hate Peyton Manning. Almost as much as you hate yourself for secretly loving him — but, hey, he’s the reason your fantasy football team outscores all of your friends’ teams!

14. Sometimes, you have difficulty remembering details like all the digits in your Social Security number or the amount of money you have in your bank account, but you know, inside and out, all the relevant statistics for your favorite teams. It’s important to keep your head where it matters, right?