14 Signs You’re No Longer 5 Years Old


It feels like just yesterday my mom was wiping my ass. Now I’m 25 and I have a feeling it’s no longer acceptable.

1. Your parents give you all the leftover Halloween candy

When you were 5 years old, you relished that basket of candy you accrued over hours of trick-or-treating. The irony is that only 15% of it would get to see the inside of your mouth. The rest would be shipped off to some unknown place, probably a landfill somewhere that’s in cahoots with your childhood dentist. Now, if you visit your parent’s home around Halloween, they’ll give you all the candy they have left. They just want it out of the house and also FUCK YOU. You have one more year left before they stop covering your health insurance; at this point, the number of fucks your parents give about your cavities is negligible.

2. You can’t do as many activities in the nude

You know those sprinklers in Central Park you used to runt through topless (and sometimes bottomless)? Try pulling that move now and you will most likely end up in jail.

3. You parents are suddenly human

No longer are they the super-humans you knew them as 20 years ago. Now they have feelings and shit, and it sucks.

4. It’s no longer cute when you sing along to songs

I can’t exactly explain this one except to just reiterate that it’s not cute.

5. You can no longer go with your dad to the sauna

When you were 5 and went to the sauna with your dad, men were pointing at you because they were remarking how cute you were. Now they’ll still be pointing at you, except it will either be to point you out to security guards, or while you’re standing in a police lineup.

6. Crying no longer carries the weight it once used to

As a 5-year-old, the power of tears was unmatched. It was the perfect weapon—effective and harmless. Now, crying sucks. It no longer gets you what you want and it makes your face extraordinarily puffy.

7. It’s not as easy to climb things

It’s simply not.

8. Things that used to get you going, now make you sleepy or ugly

Like that Sesame Street tape that you’d listen to on repeat for 73 hours straight? You know what I’m talking about—the one that pierced your soul like an IV of adderall and left you PUMPED? Yeah, it doesn’t quite have that same thrill it used to. Same goes for sour power, which will now just give you instant adult acne.

9. Your vocabulary has evolved

When you were 5 years old, it was hard saying words like “paleontologist” and “thorough”. Now you know obscure, mom-like words such as “bed frame,” “credenza,” and “spatula”.

10. Free drumsticks no longer look so innocent

That sweet man who used to give you free drumsticks when you were 5 years old is now, 20 years later, a creepy fuck.

11. A serious injury no longer merits excessive pampering

Remember when you ran right into the corner of that glass table 20 years ago and split open your forehead? Remember how nice everyone was to you? You do? Well good, make sure that memory is always fresh in your mind because it’s never happening to you again. Now if you run into the corner of a glass table you’ll be reprimanded for being an idiot. Or you’ll end up on Youtube. Either/or.

12. Getting sick is now preferable

As a 5-year-old, the thought of getting sick and having to miss one little league softball game was just devastating. Now, if you wake up with any resemblance to the exorcist, you thank the heavens and you go back to sleep.

13. Spying isn’t really cool with people anymore

Back in the day, spying on my older sister was deemed “cute.” Now, like so many other childhood favorites, it could get me arrested.

14. Getting someone to burp you is not as easy as it once was

At 25, it’s just not as easy to find someone who is willing to burp you on a consistent basis.