14 Super Bowl Facts (As Deduced From The Observations Of Someone Who Knows Diddly Squat About American Sports)


Disclaimer: I am an Australian who has lived in New York for 3.5 years. I know nothing about the Super Bowl. The first time I showed any interest was when Beyonce played the half time show last year, which I believe was the intended effect of having Beyonce play the halftime show last year. The following is what I can tell about the Super Bowl from my observations this season (which admittedly has also been under the influence of a fierce male sports fan).

1. Dudes really, really care about the Super Bowl. Not a gender generalization. Fact.

2. Sometimes girls care about the Super Bowl too, but not as much as dudes.

3. The Super Bowl is everyone’s opportunity to talk about how they saw Janet Jackson’s nipple that one time ten years ago. Like “OMG remember when we saw a nipple! A NIPPLE!? Can you even believe it!?”

4. No one in America is really clear on what a nipple is, because from what I can see there was a ninja star covering that thing anyway.

5. Actually, probably no one shouting about Janet Jackson’s nipple has even seen a nipple IRL or otherwise (hint: take your top off and LOOK DOWN).

6. There should definitely be more nipples on American television.

7. It’s better not to mention to a sports fan that you’ve heard a lot of re-hashed buzz about Janet Jackson’s nipple. ONLY SERIOUS SPORTS CHAT THANKS. Nipple talk diminishes the solemnity of the event.

8. Whether a team wins or loses will be taken as a personal reflection on the diligence and level of support each individual fan gave rather than on the actual performance of the team, and if found wanting, they will self flagellate for extended periods of time. Judgement will be passed on each individual by the individual themselves.

9. American football appears to be a game in which huge men attempt to brutalize one another.

10. Not very many of these men are good looking. Although they should wear shorter, tighter shorts, if you ask me.

11. The second aim of American football, after wanton brutalization, is to get the ball and then run, run, and run some more.

12. Nothing actually touches down in a touch down, which is really disappointing, because I thought that thing you see in movies and TV where they throw the ball down dramatically after crossing the line (like on Friends, “The One With The Football”, when Phoebe kind of almost maybe gets a touch down) is what actually constituted the touch down, not just the simple fact of crossing the line. Boring.

13. In the week leading up to the Super Bowl reality actually seamlessly slips into an alternate universe much the same as ours, but in which instead of “things” there is just “Super Bowl”.

14. There are two teams playing on Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks and another team. The Seahawks will, obviously, win.

BONUS: 15. Never, ever say your team will win. That’s apparently a jinx.