14 Things I’ve Said To People Who Barely Know Me


This is why I can’t have nice things.


“Don’t take me to mini golf because I hate it with a fiery passion. My dad really wanted a boy so he tried to make me do stuff with balls and I am not good with balls. I know how that sounded. I know how that sounded.”


“Where am I from? Where are you going? Like, in life?”


“You know what? I don’t really care if anyone calls me a bitch because a bitch is a dog, and a dog is a man’s best friend. So, yes I understand that your subconscious sees me as your best friend.”


“Do not plan a marathon date or I will cancel right now.”


“I really feel like you’re not being sincere given your body language and tone of voice. If you want to go talk to someone else in the room you’re scanning while I’m trying to get to know you, be my guest.”


“I know that you’re a big, popular college football player, but there is no way in hell you’re getting me to go on a date with you to your house to watch a movie and dry hump. That sounds miserable. You can take me to eat and forget about your idea to explore my body on a gross couch.”


“Are you having fun at the party? If you study nonlinear dynamics, you’ll find that the random event of meeting each other could have actually been predicted through simple deterministic equations. I’m totally kidding, I actually like to live my life according to the chaos theory.”


“Do you realize that your parents were high in all of these pictures from the 70’s?”


“When I first met you I thought you were a real asshole…”
“We just met”
“I know.”


“People tell me I look like Paris Hilton and it really isn’t true.” – (I do not remember saying this but Kenton swears by it.)


“I care about you.”


“Hi! I know you. I’ve stalked you.”


(To Brian Wilson at Sundance Film Festival Everest Mansion.) “Sup. You look cool. Who are you.” (We then talked about how he was chill and they were going to get weird later so I should join.)


“It would be so easy and simple. I would hang out with you and your friends, we would watch funny movies but mainly thought provoking ones, we could talk about things that matter and talk about our issues as long as we promise not to take our issues out on each other. We would stay up late, and we would never be bored. I don’t want to hang out with you all the time. I really enjoy my space. Please don’t make me go mini golfing or bowling or listen to country music. I like to go running so don’t call me while I’m doing it. I’ll come to all of your award ceremonies and I’ll support you all the time. I want to make fun of each other and play and laugh. I want you to pick on me, I can take it. I think we’re going to be very happy together…. What is your name?”

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